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I have been lurking for a year now. In this time I have done everything wrong. I have read the book and many posts all in the hope of doing the right thing only to fail again.

Last year I found out my husband 35 was having an EA with a woman he met online. i blow up and made him leave. I think that was mistake number 1 but can't take that back now.
The first 6 months things were crazy between us. He would show up here at random hours of the night for ridiculous reasons like had to bring a movie over for our daughters. During this time he would hang out a little and we ML more than we had in the previous months. Then he got his own apartment (had been living with his dad). Since then contact has been sparce ML has stopped. He is still in contacdt with this woman(she lives in Canada. I'm pretty sure there isnt a PA with anyone here in our town. He works and hangs out with his male friends.

I know he is having financial problems because of the phone calls I get at my house. Also he is giving up his apartment after 6 months to move in with his coworker who is a recently divorced single dad.

In October H says it is over and will never come back. He has had random contact with our daughters nothing consistant.

If I make contact it goes from either him ignoring me or we talk like friends for a few days then he reminds me he will not be coming home or I make the mistake or talking R. Actually said he wouldnt come home until we were divorced so if this happens again (he says my BS happens again) he can just leave, but then says he will never come home.

He says he has been unhappy for many years due to the fact I have a male friend he felt I shouldn't have been talking too and I made him more important to my life. He is a coworker who is like a little brother to me and I give him advice on his girlfriends.

Almost 3 years ago our youngest daighter had to have a brain tumor removed. During this time I was focused on her and her treatment while he went out and bought a sports car and started hanging out with friends more. We didn't talk a lot and lfe kind a got away from us.

I havent been able to truly DB this last year out of fear of losing him but now I'm afraid thats what I have done. I feel I'm in a place now where what do I have to lose. H is the only man I have been with and the same for him. We started dating in high school and have been together ever since. I am afraid though that with him hanging out with his divorced friends the odds are stacked against me.

My question is with little to no contact with us how will 180s work? I'm not sure if any goals I make could be achieved in a week or two because if I don't contact him the chances are slim he will make contact. Longest without contact when I have attempted NC was 2 weeks. I know not long but I love him and was afraid if I went too long it would be out of sight out of mind type thing.

My game plan is as follows:
No more R talk period
No more calls or texts from me unless it is in regards to child support

Any words of wisdom even 2x4s(which I fully deserve) would be greatly appreciated

Thank you

I'm really trying this NC since the last meltdown I had Sat, when after a day of casual texting about his day I get a text that he is tired of after talking for a week it always ends in a fight and he is not coming home. Mind you there was no fighting that day. I think he was drinking. At first my reply was okay. Then it went down hill. I replied with pouring my heart out and telling him how I would not give up on our marriage. This is after the week before I told him it has been long enough and I wouldn't waste anymore time on this. I need to stop the flip flopping but how do I state that while I am open to working on the marriage I cant wait forever for him to come home even though I would probably wait forever for him.
It has been 2 days of NC between us and my heart is aching to wish him a good night. In the weeks before we were at least talking as friends but with all contact being started by me.

Neither of us has filed any paper work or consulted an attorney that I know of. Part of me wants to maintain contact to work on the friendship but the other part says why he makes no effort for the friendship and is still contacting her and I should go dark since he has made it clear it is over. Because other times he shuts down completly and ignores all texts and calls.

Don't contact him! Stop pursuing and do not be his friend. Would you be a friend to someone who is betraying you? For now GAL and act like you are doing just fine without him!

I think that your post came just in the nick of time. Im was already to text or call him and tell him to forget what i said Sat and I was done. Told you I have a problem with flip flopping. Patience has never been a virtue of mine, but I am determined not to repeat the same mistakes I have in the last year. I figured instead of contacting him I need to journal on the boards and reach out to the ones that will listen and not judge.

My question is do you think I have pushed and pursued too long and his mind is made up?

I understand that the right thing to do is going to be the one thing that feels the most uncomfortable. It feels like I have all the answers to the test but still managing to fail.

You can never tell what they are thinking so it's best not to try and figure him out.

What you are supposed to be doing is working on You. I had a hard time being consistent too but you must.

Do come here and vent but work on some positive things in your life too. You need to work on being happy....with or without him.

Don't try to figure him out. Decide what you want to achieve and what your mini goals are, so you would know you're on the right track (it's unlikely he will recommit to M right away after your changes, but something like asking you out for lunch would be a mini-goal).

Decide on your strategy and tactics. NC, GAL, 180 are tools.

From the first glance it looks like you should GAL (for yourself!) and get him curious about you. I'd say limit all communication with him strictly to business and kids, but don't be punitive about it. Don't initiate contact other than for business. No how are you doing just because follow-ups.

All is IMHO, I am not a DB coach.

I have been giving GALing a shot. I tend to be a homebody and like to spend my time with my daughters either here at home or taking off on road trips on the weekends. I have been going out every couple of weeks with some friends at work. H has found out about me going out a couple of the times my youngest daughter likes to talk ALOT lol. When he says anything it is along the lines of nothing has changed you still like to hangout with other men and I hope he makes you happy those type of comments. All to which I dont reply. I thank him for wishing me a good time and tell him to have a good night.

He texted this morning saying he has new insurance cards and wanted to know if I wanted him to bring them by tonight. I have not replied back yet for 2 reasons. One I dont think even though I havent seen him in a while I'm emotional ready without it causeing a backslide. 2. I dont want to reply to every text and seem like I am always available.

My mini goal is for H to ask about me and whats going on in my life, hasn't done that in I don't know how long. All talk has been about him and what he is doing.

My strategy is to stop all R talk even if I have to pull my tongue out. This would also be a 180 for me. I plan to continue NC unless it involves the children or his support but it will be strictly business

Just journeling
Didnt not reply to H text this morning regarding insurance cards. Girls are covered under insurance by both of us with mine being primary so not having his cards isn't a big deal right now. Day 3 of NC and felt pretty strong. Know I still have a ways to go,
Checked his cell phone usage (H doesn't know I can do this)He is still contacting the ow that he is having a denied EA with.

I guess I'm to the point where I'm tired of this being 95% me and 5% him. Tired of trying to be his friend while he is still contacting her.

Keeping the momentum going.
Thank you all. Just reading all your posts over the last year has helped me finally get to the point where I realise I can do this and I will be okay with or without him

I don't know your entire story but it does sound like NC is so important right now..not just to save your marriage but just for you to be able to find some peace. I am only separated 2 months..I too have found it so difficult to go without contact..also afraid of out of sight out of mind. However, I have gotten much better with this. When the feeling of making contact comes over you..completely distract yourself with something else. Treat it like an addiction that you really want to overcome..like smoking or overeating.

It isn't easy..but just like a craving..after a few minutes it disappears if you don't give it too much meaning or energy. You feel so much better about yourself when you refrain.

Continuing to contact H just wears on your self esteem. Practicing some self discipline is really such a good way of feeling back in control of things...not so powerless over your situation.

Try not to look at every contact from him as an opportunity to have a conversation. Have the necessary contact to ensure your family is taken care of...but wait for him to make some meaningful contact. My H is always more receptive to things when it is his idea.

WOW, excellent self control and restraint!! Good job!


This might be true for all WASs...since they are so self centered!

Great job not replying to his texts quickly or at all...and (from what I remember) NC gets easier every day you stick to it!