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Dday...He has said he is sorry in the past. I think I just meant that I want him to truly understand down the road looking back how bad it really was. Then him saying it will mean more to me. I think I left out the "mean it" part! Sorry, Im dealing with a teenager daughter today...kinda stressed

Thanks Cyrena....actually I have lost 75 total and I just cant shake the last ten!! Driving me crazy!! Ive been stuck here for 3 months now!

Yes, weight plateaus are the worst. But anything worth having is worth spending the time on.... 75 pounds lost--you must be pretty happy with how you're looking!

I know what you mean about the heartfelt apology. When my H came back he'd sometimes mutter "sorry" with shame, but that didn't begin to address all the different kinds of pain he'd put me through. At the time, I wished he could acknowledge all of them.

By the time he was able to process his behaviour, so much time had passed that, although I did get apologies for some things, there were lots more that he couldn't remember (an effect of no longer being depressed), or that didn't seem real to him anymore (because his brain chemistry had changed). There are a few things I'd still like him to say--but they won't mean anything unless it's his choice/realization). On the whole, though, I reached a point where I didn't need all those apologies about the past, because the present felt much more important, and satisfying.

Thanks for understanding what I was saying Cyrena.....It sounds like our H's are similar in ways. I know my H wont remember some things when he finally is able to process the way his behaviour was and how it really affected me and our children. Our daughter was affected greatly by it and is finally recovering. She began pulling out her hair right before he left and then it got worse...finally the last 6 months she has almost stopped. I know even with that he doesnt know how hard it was for us because he werent here dealing with it.

and btw, I am very proud of my weightloss...of course I dont think I would have ever lost a pound if my H hadnt left so for that...well, that is the one thing I can actually say for sure was a good thing! lol...although the first 30 pounds came off in the first 30 days, not good but I have managed to keep it off and lose 45 more on my own will power!!! Looking forward to 10 more!

I know how the 30-lb-loss bomb diet goes, but I'm so impressed to hear you lost another 45 on sheer will power! It truly is nice to have a reason to replace the *entire* wardrobe....

In my case, I was grateful for 2 things: for the overnight onset of weight loss, and for being forced to make changes to myself and the M that, frankly, just wouldn't have happened without a crisis. I often read in Newcomers some version of, "if only s/he'd told me s/he was that unhappy," but I don't believe anymore that anything less than tipping our worlds upsidedown is going to make us take notice. I guess I'm also grateful for having become a more forgiving person!

I'm really sorry to hear about your D's hair-pulling. I had an adult friend with that stress reaction, and know how unfortunate it was because it was so visible. I'm glad she's moving past that. I hope your reconcilliation goes smoothly and gradually enough that she's not affected again.

Hey Kissak, I see similarities here with my own sitch, although I was lucky my bf seemed to whisk through the stages a bit faster than some. He too thought left me because of his issues, his depression and ow was just a symptom/desperate attempt to relieve how he felt. A moment of weakness not a good life decision.

I did get some answers/sorrys but there was so many things he didnt ever talk about with me (mainly ow) and although he would answer briefly, there was a time I really wanted to know more, to undersand and have him realise things and volunteer them. Now, like Cyrena, it no longer has the importance it once did and it fact I rarely think about all those things that have happened, because the present is what matters and, yes, is far more interesting!

I also agree that our seemigly perfect pre-bomb R wasnt as perfect as I thought and yet I may never had got to the better, more loving R we have now, had I not been shocked into it by him walking out.

My bf also struggled to 'give' much or be expressive when he was depressed and would be very silent almost, quiet, withdrawn after coming off prozac (only went on it after the bomb and S and presumably realising it wasnt me/the R afterall that was making him miserable!). He went back on a different AD, Citalopram at Christmas and has finally turned a corner. On ADs he is his old self, he's warm, loving, open and I no longer get that feeling of him being behind a wall.

I know it can only come from them, but I hope your H decides to get more help for his depression, it makes such a difference.

Cyrena, I believe the same thing about them telling us they werent happy wouldnt change much, my Best friend told her H this for a couple of years and he never did anything about it. She finally told him to leave and that was when he realized that he really never listened to her. Of course them he said her telling him to leave just made him realize he was never happy either and they both went their separate ways after 10 years together and 2 kids. They have never one tried to reconcilate at all.

Ali...I hope my H gets more help for his depression too. But I think he is doing excellent without any meds compared to before. He seems to be growing so much with things. He tries to not let things bother him like before. Its just amazing the changes Im seeing. His therapist said things will go slow for us and that is good because right now we are just getting to know one another all over again. It will take lots of time for those walls to come down.

Im beginning to get excited about things. Im hoping and praying they continue to get better. Ali, your right too, the present and the future is what is important now. Im not one for holding grudges against people so even though a sincere apology would be nice, I dont need one. We all make mistakes in life and sometimes hurt people we would never dream of hurting.

I have to get back to work....busy time for me

Just wanted to report that my H has moved home. We did some moving of his things last weekend and this week he has been settling in. It's different this time. Everything is different. I cant explain it. Its just good. He seems so much happier. He has even told me he loves me....not all the time, but has said it a few times. Im happy too. Im excited to see where things are going to go.

The only struggle I am having is with other peoples reactions when I tell them that he has moved home. Some are happy for us...but some frown at first and give me that "are you crazy" look, then they say "well if that is what makes u happy, then Im happy". Really it doesnt matter what others think, but it still bothers me to some point. Really, how do you handle people who think you are just crazy for taking someone back who has hurt you? What do you say to them?

You sound really, really good. And I'm glad you notice a difference in him as well--in my H the difference seemed to be from the depression slowly lifting away, leaving him more peaceful, relaxed, energetic and able to connect with others.

The old "if that makes you happy then I'm happy" is really a passive-aggressive comment, isn't it? As such, it says more about their desire to control, to have you behave in the manner they advised or would have taken themselves, than about genuine happiness or respect for your decision. I guess you just have to accept that they haven't lived your journey and then act "as if" until they can see that this *new* relationship really is working for both of you. Perhaps all you really need to say is something along the lines of "I appreciate your support"??

Thanks Cyrena.... I had to giggle at the "I appreciate your support" line. Im sure that wouldnt work if I said it to a few people..lol. Really, until you have been put in the position some of us have been in, you really dont know what you would do. I look at my sisters who all have had problems with their marriages and before this happened to me, I would have told them to dump their dead beat men, but now Im at a place where I support their decisions to stay even though it may not be best...really it is up to them.

Well, I looked at it simply as I could be hurt again by ANYONE. And, aren't we all deserving of a second chance? I know the second chances that have been given to me over time have been used wisely to not mess up. So, if someone, mainly our ex-es in this case want a second chance, well, it's up to them to get things to work.

Ironically, my largest opponent to date in all this is my cousin, who's husband sheated her multiple times, yet she took him back each and every one and lovingly supported him through his battle with alzheimer's and says she'd do it all over again. But yet, gets on me for taking (x)W back. To which I sight the above and the conversation ends.