Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

H has witnessed many many Ds in his almost completely male workplace. H has told me that many of the Ds are extremely adversarial with frequent custody battles and "financial terrorism". He's mentioned this in passing over the years, but specifically referred to it around separation, making it clear that he will be honourable around his financial responsibilities. But he also referred to his colleagues' advice that he should establish a precedent of getting the kids to have overnights so that it would be harder for me to move far away from H, etc. So custody battles, etc are not just theoretical to him. He is being actively coached on preventing this stuff from happening by his "friends" at work.

FM-if your H is in MLC, which it sounds like he is, I think it would be wise to move to the MLC forum.

Well, your H and his "friends" are going to talk about what they want. Just remember there are two sides to every story and I highly doubt your H's work "friends" are giving an accurate portrayal of both sides of their divorce.

To this day my H still tells anybody that will listen that our decision was joint and amicable. LOL!

How many of these work "friends" have a special needs child? How many of these work "friends" have put terrible financial strain on the family finances via a business venture? How many of these work "friends" refused their spouses sex for years? How many of these work "friends" caused huge amounts of tension in the home due to their sleep issues? Rhetorical questions but not all divorce/custody issues are the same.

What one person considers "financial terrorism" could actually be a rather fair division based on the law and circumstance. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the word "fair" is rather subjective when it comes to divorce settlements. Most WAS's are rather surprised to find out things won't be as "even steven" as they thought. So, anything less than even to them *is* financial terrorism.

I would speak to legal counsel before you start getting upset about your H's motives. You did mention he spoke to an attny that was a friend but I wouldn't put too much stock in the advice his work "friends" are doling out or what sort of influence they might have on him.

I almost asked H not to come for bedtime routine tonight, but I didn't have the heart to deprive my kids of that...they really look forward to that as a touchstone of the day.

Today is probably the first day that I've appeared visibly upset around H in weeks. I told him that D3 has been sick, then he looked at me and asked how things were going. I said "well it's been a rough day for D3, she's really not feeling well". Then he asked how I was doing, and I said "I'm fine" but I was obviously not fine. Then I made an excuse to go out of the apt for 15 minutes, had to get away. I came back and joined in the routine.

Then after the kids were asleep I tapped away on my computer hoping he'd leave immediately.

First he fiddled around with the door that's not closing properly and offered me advice on how to fix it.

Then he initiated a convo about finances...when he was going to give me more money. He also raised the topic of the line of credit saying that he was fine with keeping it as is as long as I agreed not to use it without discussing it with him first. I said I wanted to deal with the big picture of our finances with professional help and not make piecemeal decisions about that. I said that I didn't know how I was going to get access to low interest credit with my lack of income history. He said "well, you'll have the house". I said, "I don't know if I'll have the house, the finances are complicated and I don't know what things will look like".

Then he said he didn't have time to talk now but he wanted to acknowledge how civil and considerate I've been since the separation. He said that he felt that he hasn't been as nice to me as I have to him. He said that he's trying to be nice and he wants me to let him know when he's veering off course from being pleasant and considerate, as I have been doing. I said that I felt uncomfortable with his lack of eye contact and guarded, wary behaviour. I said that it's not a competition about who's being nicer, it's about being able to act like we feel comfortable being in the same room together around the kids. He said that he was starting to feel more comfortable being here and around me, but that he was still finding it hard. I just looked at him and didn't say anything. He said "I guess it will get easier as time goes on" and I said "we'll see".

I wasn't the DB robot tonight. It's interesting though, that my showing some vulnerability triggered all of that in H. He was definitely trying to "make nice" with me.

Citygirl,

Why do you equate reality with worst case scenario?

I know what you mean about feeling like a "DB robot." And sorry if I offended you in any way when I was teasing you about being impatient! This is very very difficult.

About tonight...just absorb it and move on. Don't analyze it too much. (((Flowmom)))

Newmama - I don't equate reality with worse case scenario. Your snarky answer really doesn't lend much to the discussion, does it?

At some point one has to examine the facts. In this case there are two very young children involved, a woman who is a full time caregiver (for the most part) and who is unable to financially support herself and her children (at this time) without her husband. There is a husband that opted to move out and away from the family "full time" and AT THIS TIME has not made any movement towards working on anything other than co-parenting. And working on co-parenting is a *good* thing but certainly not enough to rebuild a marriage AT THIS TIME.

It is imperative during any life crises, and being left in a marriage certainly qualifies as a life crises, to be hopeful about as much as possible. Without hope we as human beings have no reason to wake up each day. I would imagine despite being left in your marriage, dealing with an affair in a relatively short marriage as per your signature and a young child along with what is approaching a year long separation you must have hope of some kind. I would also imagine you have realistically examined the reality of your circumstances, the amount of time that has passed and began to formulate some sort of foundation for yourself as a single woman.

People save money in emergency funds and savings accounts. They are probably hopeful they will never have to use it but when a life crises occurs it certainly is helpful know you are prepared for "worse case scenario". In fact, people are applauded and told they are "doing things right" when they save money for worse case scenario. This situation is no different. Hope for the best, take active steps for the best possible outcome but prepare for the worse case scenario, or, depending on how you look at things the less favorable outcome.

Everybody on this planet would LOVE to go through life without any problems, conflicts or hurdles. It's not reality though. In the case of divorce the layers are deep. Obviously the emotional side of divorce, infidelity and being abandoned as a spouse are the most painful. The *really* hard part is dealing with that pain along with the logistics of life that can't be ignored (finances, insurance, legalities, custody). Partner deep emotional pain with life logistics that are complex and you are walking one tough road. Without hope we won't make it down that road. Without reality we won't make it down that road. What is the answer? Finding a balance is the best solution I have found thus far.

This makes it obvious to me that 1. he has seen a lawyer and 2. he thinks that I am planning to move ahead with legalities soon.

Well, look at the positives...

You have asked him to come to some resolution about finances and less than 24 hours later he sent you this message. You told him you would prefer to have a professional help you sort out the finances so he has provided the necessary information for you to do that (pension statements). If you isolate the finance issue he has followed through with what you requested.

Opinions will differ but I firmly believe if a spouse walks away the burden of filing and paying for a divorce is up to them. If you don't want to get divorced then don't make any moves other than sitting tight, working on your finances and DB'ing. If you are served then reply according to the law but don't offer an assistance with the divorce. I am not suggesting to make things ugly but there is no reason for you to do anything more than what you are doing.

I guess what confuses me about the legalities, is that any process that is less adversarial/expensive (mediation, collaborative divorce, etc.) would require my active involvement and buy-in. If I am passive with respect to the D proceedings, doesn't that force him into an adversarial stance? I guess I will ask my IC about that (because he's involved in D stuff).