Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Story...grass is greener (pt 2)

I guess I don't understand why you are gearing up for a trial before you and your ex at least *try* (w/the help of counsel of course) to work out something. I am sure both you and your ex will have to bend a bit but wouldn't a bit of bending be better than a trial?

Maybe I am missing something or you did post a reason why but why not see if there is an alternative. I understand your ex is going for full custody but wasn't that just the initial filing?

It just seems like an awful lot right out of the gate. Have you asked your attny what possible solutions are out there and at least have your attny present it to your ex's attny?

She's actually going for a flip flop of what I have currently, primary custody. Which means she would have her more nights than me. That would mean D3's smoking drunk of a grandfather would be watching her most nights given that my ex works then. To me thats still unacceptable. Given that I have D3 6 out of 7 nights...I'm the only one who would be bending...my ex really has nothing to offer.

My ex only has one night off per week and shes already shown she wont necessarily be spending it with D3. So if I bend even a little...who wins? No one...but D3 will lose. I dont really see an alternative that will keep D3 safe/healthy but be bending. My attorney tends to agree that what we have now should just be maintained (and until I spoke w/my L and realized my ex wasnt going for full custody...I wanted to file for full...so maybe that already is bending).

And I dunno if mediation would be better than a trial. It would be less costly...and we do have to do that before a trial in our state...but at the same time once the evidence that I've gathered is presented (and no I dont mean the tax evasion avenue) there will be little doubt what kind of parent my ex is and any lies she's been spreading about me will lose credibility.

I mean...what mother refers to her two and a half year old as a "little bitch" just because she didnt get a hug after giving D3 something?

Steve...thanks for the input...and despite my harboring feelings for her I will indeed be glad when she's out of my life (or out of my life more...as in I drop D3 off at daycare and she picke her up...so we dont have to see one another. I will still always have to deal with her on some level b/c of D3).

However...with the statement you made that I quoted above, I have to ask if you have kids?

If you do...and they bounced back...then thats great but they're likely in the minority. As I understand it, most studies show that kids whose parents split up and never reconcile suffer lifelong consequences from very mild to quite severe. They range from behavioral, educational, mental, physical, and even sexual & relationship disorders.

Stuff like that really makes me angry towards my ex, because she did all this to satisfy her own selfish needs and didnt give a thought to who it would affect. She's in denial that anybody should be affected at all. Like you, she thinks D3 will bounce back and be fine when I highly doubt it.

People have suggested that I get D3 into counseling, which I'm planning on doing. But stop and think for a minute...what the hell is wrong with the picture when a man and his daughter have to each go into counseling because his ex-fiancee/ daughters mother decided to destroy her family so she could get it on with an old man?

Thats just not right.

That is often correct - except for "high-conflict" marriages. Catch? These marriages also can be high conflict divorces.

Now, another way to look at the statistics though is that while 20-25% would have life problems, the other 75-80% don't. They'll hurt and move on. I've been told that counselling for them is really important.



Not right, but it is the case you are in, isn't it. Mabye through IC and kid counselling you'll find some key that allows you to move on, or to put your M back together bringing your W back.

There is another way to look at it - your (and her) screw-ups as a couple led you here, not hers alone. Her exit strategy maybe the biggest problem, but the other problems before today were likely from both of you.

Do you think you've done enough to identify the problems you caused in your M and deal with them?

I have a teenage daughter, a son and a 16 yr old balinese, named "Lotus Flower Darling Queen of the Bitteroots" who we affectionally call Cheese.

that is very true. I mean if she were totally happy...I mean 100%...then we wouldnt be in this situation. and so if I had been doing or not been doing the things she found irritating, she would have been closer to being happy. but I dont know that she would have been 100% happy even if I was doing everythign right. The OM pounced...and may likely have still done so had I been doing everything right.

I've certainly identified the problems...and I think I've dealt with them by doing/not doing them anymore. It's kind of like the guy that goes to the doctor and says "Doctor...my arm hurts when I move it like this" and the doctor says... "so dont move it like that".

I have no doubt that my next relationship will be happier/smoother...whether its because I'm not making the mistakes I was making in my last R...or its because the next person I'm likely to be in a R with doesnt have rage control issues and isnt a perpetual teenager.

As I've admitted...I still have feelings for my ex...which is probably why she's able to make me so mad. But at this point I dont see myself wanting her to come home anymore. I'm starting to see her more as a stranger...and an angry one at that. As I said...just having her in the same room as me makes my skin crawl.

That's gonna make the "co-parenting" seminar on Saturday that I have to attend (and pay for...wtf?!?) with my ex interesting.

I just feel so sorry for D3 if my ex does win the custody suit. It bothers me that my ex thinks a smoking and drinking environment with a little domestic abuse and low morals thrown in is a more "proper and suitable environment" for her.

I can only assume with blinders on like that, that she's doing this specifically to hurt me for not being her buddy and making her transition to the OM smooth, and it has nothing to do with the welfare of D3. Thats even more sickening...that she cheated on me, broke up our family, and is still not satisfied with my level of pain.

She (like me) needs a lot of counseling before I would ever...ever...consider letting her back in my front door to live.

This is a bunch of bull-cr@p. Where are you getting your information about kids who grew up with divorced parents suffer more? It's not being divorced that makes kids screwed up, there's study after study that shows that it is the QUALITY of the parenting - not the number of parents - that the kids have which make all of the difference.

If a child has two parents that are invested in their kids education and lives, those kids will thrive, even if the parents are not married. But if you have parents that bicker, use the kids as pawns, etc., the kids are shuffled to the side as part of the parents power plays. It makes sense that they would have more educational problems...because the parents are acting like children.

Conversely, if you have a two-parent household where the parents can not get along and there's some kind of abuse, addiction, violence, whatever, the kids suffer from that. I have friends that grew up on what would be considered a perfect-white-picket-fence-two-parent household and they are screwed up bc their parents were so concerned about their status and how they appeared to the world that they pretty much ignored their children. On the other hand, I have friends that had parents who divorced and their parents took responsibility for their actions, never put the kids between them, and loved them. Those friends are very successful.

You can find information that is similar to this, that single parent households work out fine, by looking at studies about people who have been widowed or lost their spouse through accidents. If one parent dies, even though the trauma may be huge, the remaining parent can be successful or not depending on how much they are open and care about their kids.

It seems that the major factor with the success or failure of kids - meaning going to jail or become a drug addict or not working - is the economic factor. Marriage is a legal definition with economic benefits, such as tax breaks, and two people living together have fewer costs than two people living separately. For example, a married couple will have one mortgage, one phone bill, one electricity bill. For a separated couple, everything is doubled, two mortgage notes, two phone bills, two insurance bills, etc. With the money that is saved from a married couple - AND they want to invest it in their kids futures - there's more discretionary $$$ available. So that means little Suzy can pay for tutoring to get her grades up. If you are a single mom barely able to make your electricity payments, Little Suzy's tutoring is not available if you are hoping to keep the heat on.

The stories about single-parent households being less effective are just scare tactics from groups that want to support "traditional" ideas, even though ideas are WRONG.

Here's a link:

Children raised in single-parent households are no more likely than those from two-parent homes to fail at school or develop behavioral problems.

Read more: http://www.successtelevision.com/index.p...l#ixzz0gzXLtNi2

http://www.successtelevision.com/index.p...Households.html

This is where they're getting that info:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_stay_for_the_kids.htm

Ah but you forgot one other scenario. When there is a well-adjusted family where BOTH parents are M and are involved with their children, they thrive the best.

And lets be perfectly honest. There is no relationship where a couple bickers 24/7. It's how they cope with conflict that is the key. If the couple shows a positive way of dealing with conflict (talking things out, etc.) the kids learn from that. Plain and simple.

We are all a product of our upbringing. Kids seem like they "bounce back" because at the time, that's how they cope. It gets buried beneath the surface only to come back up again when they're adults whether consciously or unsconsciously.

There are lots of studies that show both sides. Personally, I think the ones where the parents stay together, learn how to deal with conflict and show mutual love and respect are the best. Yes even the ones that go through all the stuff here can be learned.

But unless we can actually look at the same child in parallel situations, you aren't going to know how they are going to end up. As adults, I think it's impossible to judge how a child is going to act or react when they become adults.

knittedscarf/MarkG you're looking at extremes where the parents either always argue or they don't. Well that's never the case.

Its all fine nsw1222. This is all part of the grieving process you need to go through.

In the end it all works out; and when you come to acceptance you will look back on this stage and forward with a different mindset.

Out of curosity who told you to take a 3 year old to counseling?
Did your therapist suggest this and tell you it will all be covered less your copay?