Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

I misunderstood... I thought when you said 'you went looking' for your H's online dating profile that you knew for sure he had one. So you were just looking to see if one existed or you know for sure he has one? Sorry, I am unclear.

Assuming, mind reading and speculation is not productive. It doesn't matter if your H knows you are an information vacuum or not. You will drive yourself crazy. Would you want your H to assume you are okay with all of this simply because you have not had an R talk with him? Probably not.

In my own experience and the thousands of situations I have read about on this form, on another forum and in my real life divorce support group often times (not always but it seems to be more often than not) a WAS will call the first few months a trial separation. That way the WAS can say they *did* try and walk away with less guilt. I also think WAS's offer a trial or controlled separation so they LBS does have time to get on the same page.. or that is what the WAS thinks or hopes will happen. WAS have a "fairly tale" like idea of how the divorce proceedings will go.

I guess I don't understand the difference between a trial or "regular" separation. Either way, at the end of the day, the two of you are not together.

If you are not 110% sure he is dating I would leave things as they are. If you find out otherwise then make your decision.

If your friend is reporting back to you what your H said then your friend is involved no matter who initiated it. I know she is your friend but in the long run, talking to friends that have a R with both the LBS and WAS can get very sticky.

I also wanted to add that I can understand why you feel sickened about so many things.

But (and this is the hard part) as much as you feel sickened about how things are, I think in the mind of a WAS they feel they are doing the right thing as they feel sickened with the idea of remaining married. I know that sounds horrible but it is how these creatures think. I really do believe they feel ending a marriage will be short term pain and in the long run everybody will be better off.

You feel sickened because your H can't look at you and communicate and your H feels sickened that he might have to look at you and communicate. As angry as you get that he chooses not to communicate, he is equally as angry that you still want him to because right now, he doesn't want to.

So what can you do to bridge that gap? Make it so you want to communicate less and your H wants to communicate more?

Just assume and plan for the worst and hope for the best. There's no way to know until you know.

Flowmom, you must keep hope. Stick with your DB goals. Yes, be smart and find out a plan in case you D but hope is vital for DBers...or else why not just give up and file for D, KWIM?

Also, for someone who is into Buddha and zen and all that, you are impatient! ;-) I DO love your raw, honest posts though!!!

Newmama, you have made the same comment a few times in this thread. Why is it that you seem to equate recognizing reality with having no hope.

Human beings always have hope in some form. It is what makes us human beings. Have you ever known somebody who was really sick and on life support with their organs shutting down? Of course you want to have hope that things will improve but in reality it probably will not happen despite the human body being an amazing machine.

The key is to find a balance between hope and reality. Hope give you the strength to keep on going and reality is, well, reality.

Every situation posted on the board has a reality that is very easy to see. On the flip side of that, we all have (or had) a hope that somebody else might not understand either. Hope is much easier to manage though when you are working in actualities.

Right now Flo would like to create a new marriage with her H. Right now Flo's H does not care to create a new marriage with Flo. That combination... no desire for a marriage and a desire to date other women is very clear RIGHT NOW.

Nobody has ever said Flo's situation is hopeless and nobody ever told her not to have hope. It is also important to work in reality while having hope.

DB isn't always about filing for divorce or not. IMO the most critical aspect of DB is creating a new YOU (general you) since that is all you (general you) can control.

Flo - you need to change the dynamic. You said yourself your H knows you are an "information vacuum". To me, an information vacuum sounds clinical, cut and dry and not all that easy to be around. Some info you need and some you don't. You may be "letting loose" when your H can see it (EX: going out and asking him to watch the children, paying attention to your appearance) but at the end of the day, when your H is NOT around, are you still practicing a more relaxed outlook?

FM: Don't send any emails, texts, or have any conversations with H today. This is the type of day where they spiral out of control. That's all you can do right now. Institute the 24-48 hour don't panic, wait it out rule.

Why do you think I am into that? Actually, I don't think that it's impatience that is the problem for me. I think the problem is that authenticity is super important to me, and it's painful to be in a situation where H and I are both acting wary and shielded around one another. Doing the 180 of not wearing my heart on my sleeve is wearing me down.

Relaxed? No that much. Sincerely trying to GAL and take care of myself? Yes. GAL feels mostly forced right now but I am spending time trying new things and making an effort. Sometimes I even have a bit of fun. It's going to take time for me to change some of the patterns of my life.

PS: I am not going to discuss anything with H today in any way. I am in no condition.

Yes, raw is on the menu today.

It's hitting me like a ton of bricks that:

1. H does not want to be married to me

2. H wants to have sex and relationships with other women, if he isn't already.

3. Everything that H does around me is based on trying to be a good father and avoiding triggering any punishing behaviour on my part around custody and finances in the D.

I knew all that, but today it's hitting me emotionally like it hasn't before. I don't feel hopeless as a person, but I do feel hopeless about chances for reconciliation.

I'm not going to do anything rash, but I'm going to have to seriously evaluate whether DB is the right choice for me. In theory, I want to do whatever I can to preserve the tiny chance of reconciliation. But realistically it could easily take 2 years for that tiny chance to materialize, and even then there's no guarantee that H or I would be the people that we would need to be to make it work.

In the meanwhile I would be depriving myself of the chance to have honest, healing communication with H with the help of my IC (and actually get him to break up with me properly), and to rip off the bandaid (get divorced) in a way that feels like I'm taking the initiative and acting as an agent in my own life. Once divorced I assume that in some ways it would be easier to deal with H because all negotiations, etc. would be nailed down and we would just be two independent agents doing our best for our children. And I could concentrate on fully and completely letting go of H.

I've taken a passive role in my M for a lot of years -- always trying to work on things, yet following H's cues, respecting his boundaries, letting him have his space and freedom, etc. That's part of how I ended up here. I have to decide if taking care of myself means taking action, including actively working on dissolving my M and getting on to the next stage of my life.

The hardest thing about this for me is the children. This is so unfair to them. I have let them down so deeply for being part of allowing the foundation of our family to crumble. I don't know what it will take for me to forgive myself for this.

I guess I am unclear as to why you think your H feels you will punish him in a divorce? Has he ever said anything like that or is it simply what you think? If he feels being punished is being accountable for his children and his obligations then I guess I would say too bad for him.

I would ask you to at least think about the following:

You seem to see your H through your point of view only. I did that for a long time with my H so I understand exactly how difficult it is to *really* step in their shoes. You say you want your H to break up with you properly? Is the proper way the way you deem proper? Maybe he felt he has broken up with you properly. IMO the words are irrelevant, it's the actions that matter. When one spouse bomb drops, moves out suddenly and begins to acclimate the children to this new life that is about as blunt as you can be in a breakup.

I understand you yearn for open, honest and healing communication with your H but if he doesn't want to participate, he won't and even a IC won't get him to do a thing he doesn't want to go. Why? Because WAS are terrified to give any "false hope" to a LBS.

You will eventually have to forgive yourself. It's not an easy thing to do and something we all work at.

Don't be so sure though that a divorce decree will make things easier. Detaching and letting go is not easier once the legalities are over. That is why you need to be working on that now. Detaching should be your main focus. Once you stop caring what your H thinks or does (at least to the degree you do) things will not seem so difficult and DB might be easier and more natural for you.

Don't get worn down. Don't allow it to happen. I shudder when I hear that phrase. It's awful.

((FM))

I totally feel your day...been having one of those myself, crying as I am vacuuming earlier but it has passed for now! As it has been told to me many, many times...DBing is for YOU!!! One day at a time!