Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife wants best of both worlds

DW,
You are really taking the high road here and when you think that you have managed to get a level where you can take it, your patience get tried again. I am sorry that you are going through this I can't imagine. I guess just try to focus on the kids and after all you are with them in their home and that will always be the home that they refer to as home. Hang in there.

DW,

I feel your pain to a degree but not fully as I am not there yet but in time I believe I will be.

I hear you about the dark/dim aspect. Since my W moved out I have seen her only at mediation sessions (it's be one month). We have exchanged one phone call and 4 texted messages all revolving around the children. All initiated by her save for the one call which I regret placing, even though it was mostly necessary.

I too feel better with NC but as you know total NC is not possible with children.

The topic of intro's with OP was brought up again today in our mediation session. The mediator asked if we wanted any language install in our settlement agreement on this front. My response was it isn't enforceable. My wife commented that we would should honor it in good faith (or something to that effect). I refrained from saying "you mean the same way you honored our marriage vows".

I humored her and agreed that we had to be in a serious relationship with another for a year before intro to the children. I laughed knowing this clause contained no teeth whatsoever.

Anyway, keep detaching it's best thing we can do to protect ourselves emotionally because our W's aren't going to cut us any slack in that department.

I feel for all of you guys dealing with the issues you/I am. At least all my kids are in their 20's and I don't have to go through that issue, although with my W's first "vacation" 15 years ago it was similar to what most of you guys (and gals) are facing.
It does get better with time, and each sitch is different. Sometimes you go with what you've learned in the DBing and other times you trust your gut. Dim/dark-detach/nc-listen/validate, it's NOT easy to know when to do what, and when you screw it up-well we are all just humans trying to deal with what seems like aliens on some days.
Good luck to all of us in improving OURSELVES no matter what the outcome is with our M's. That's really the point anyway-right?

DW,
Broke some ribs, ouch!!! Broke some skiing a couple of years ago, not much you can do, no laughing.

MSH, a couple big sneezes are not much fun either.

My W has been out of town all week; it has actually been pretty nice. She has the kids tonight and then I have them over the weekend. I have some family in town so it should be a fun couple of days.

I am being pretty dark with her. This approach is not going to help "us" at all but I think it is helping me. This sitch is pretty screwed-up but hey, what can you do(?).

I hate hearing about the OM from the kids and would like to tell them, "let's not talk about him in this house" but anything I say like that will get back to the W and make me look bad, plus I do not want to involve the kids in this crap. They are going to figure out pretty quckly however that I do not want anything to do with this guy. Crazy sitch...

You are handling this pretty well IMO, I glad to her you say the "Dark" is about you and not to punish her. You need to protect yourself, your feelings and you recognize this, great.

Yep, the sitch is not in your control, nothing really is in "our control" except ourselves. Otherthan the rib thing I would say you are doing a good job of controling yourself.

I am sorry you have to hear about the OM from your children, that does suck but it is now reality. One day they will be old enough and they will ask about him and your W, how they met, why you guys got a D. At the same time you may have met someone else or who knows you could be back with your W, whatever the case you are doing the right thing now for your kids as painful as it is for you. You are a GREAT FATHER!!!

I'm sorry dwinter...I really am. I think you're doing a great job as a father with your children. It'd be easy to slam the OM or even your wife when the kids are around. I'm sure inside you'd love to but you're placing your children first - hard to do in the moment I know~ thankfully we have these boards to soundoff and get support!

Hope you have a good weekend

DW,
Did I hear something about you breaking some ribs? Not sure if there is anything more painful than that. Try getting a memory foam pillow to lay on at night. Helped me out a couple of years ago after I laid my bike down.

The OM sitch really sucks. My kids found out about a OM and went nuts on my W. They were ready to bring physical pain on the man. He's gone now so W has resorted to pick ups in bars. Disgusting the person she has become.

Glad to hear you have some family in town for the weekend. Have a nice trip to the arch :-)

I'm with you on the dark thing. In fact my IC basically told me to stay as far away from my W as possible. Think she may have even called her to tell her to stay away from me. The more time I'm away from her the better off I am. Obviously this can't go on forever but for now its the reality we have to face.

I'm interested to know what kind of things your kids are saying about OM. Are they negative things or just general information about what is going on in their lives.

Well I'm going to get back to the regularly scheduled weekend. Have a good one.

Thanks for all the words of support. I feel like I have been doing better the past couple of days. I still have some anxiety but I have been working on some "blocking out" techniques, which seem to be helping.

C-Bart, had a great weekend with the kids. I took them to watch "under the sea" at the IMAX and did a wildlife hike at lone elk park...both are great if you are looking for something to do with the kids. Let me know when you are ready for that beverage.

Dwinter,

I was thinking of taking my son to Under the Sea as well, but decided he is probably too young (2.5)