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Holy crap, this is hilarious and I'm laughing over it:

I left message for W to bring the Love Languages book over if she didn't mind when she stops by later, as I am interested in reading it.

W calls back and says "I have the book, no problem, I'll bring it over."

Then says "Did something happen this weekend that we need to talk about?"

I just said cheerfully, "Nope, not at all, nada. Why do you ask?"

"Well, you've been acting different. You actually have been answering my emails today whereas you haven't been recently, even when I just send out a "Hi" message"

I just said, "No, nothing happened." Being very coy and mysterious.

She said, "OK then. See you when I stop by".

I hung up and laughed pretty hard.

Sorry I had to post that prior note in a hurry as I was running out the door.

I guess I should have qualified the humor I saw for those not familiar with my sitch. Those words came from a woman who has told me she sees no hope for us as a couple.

But for some reason she thinks that if I hooked up with another woman over the weekend, it would be something we need to talk about?!? Why?

Just cool to see some DB tactics having a little effect...

well yes isn't it a little cool to notice things like that?

I recall that pivotal moment (I think I shared with you??) when instead of complaining about a utility bill not being paid (and getting cut off during the wildfires here, NICE TOUCH--) that happened 2 hours after a db coach session (best single thing I did the whole ordeal)...talk about divine intervention.

So after that electricity got cut off and h's first reaction (MAY HAVE BEEN KIDDING...I DON'T THNK SO BUT???) was "Got cut off? Hope that doesn't hurt MY credit!"

I really did laugh and said "good thing you've got the priorities straight h, but seriously...the bill??" And trust me, I was VERY angry and shocked as this was out of character for him. But he said something to cut me off as I'm sure he expected to be reamed. HE interrupted me to say "Good! Now you know how it feels to pay the bills like I have for the past 20 years (as if I refused to or as if he ever asked me to...but no matter)...

BUT INSTEAD of the big fight, I didn't do the usual, had a brain storm in line with my DB coach's advice, and I thanked my h "for paying the bills all those years b/c it IS a stressful thing" and Jesus believe me when I tell you, he was flummoxed b/c he paused a LONG time and finally said "you're welcome"...

Sorry if I"m repeating myself telling that, but it's one small example of a thing that would have gone so diff if not for DBing...and it was a start in searching for new ways to relate so we show that our m going forward COULD indeed be diff...

The ONE thing that did the most, out of all that I /we did to save our m, was the DB coaching so I hope you get sessions asap, Here, the cost of a T is about the same as dB coaching and neither were covered by ins- soooo, wth?

Even tho I had a great mc too, & don't want to take away from that as I feel blessed by the help we got, but I have to say "do the DB coaching and get 3 sessions and use their very specific advice. IT's so applicable and encouraging and you'll never have to wonder what they meant or if it worked b/c you'll know.
And as for mc's and t's....hey we were blessed TRUE, but I shopped! And Didn't stop at first 2...nope I did not...I kept going til I met someone who said they'd support my efforts to stay m within reason, and felt God favored m but NOT at all costs, and didn't just mean abuse is the only reason for div, or A...some peeps here have narrow versions of why you can div and they are ALWAYS LBSers-- and frankly their opinion of when div is justified isn't the one that matters.

Our pro-m T counted happiness as a factor, (yay!!) and some people here don't agree. I KNOW God wants us to be happy. But At what cost to others??? Well...here's what he/we agreed...
In all honesty, my ethics and my desire to follow my moral code IS partly selfish, b/c I believe I cannot be happy in the long run, or look myself in the mirror and look in the faces of our children, if I have not followed that code of ethics.. So in order for me to be happy I have to live a moral life even though I'll screw up now and then, on the whole, I don't do a lot of bad things that make ME FEEL terrible....so who wants that?

Some call it "Catholic guilt"; I call it a conscience. In short, IF I don't believe I've done everything reasonable to save the m that a good woman would do, I won't be able to say to myself at the end of my life, "I did right by my kids" or that "I did right by that man I married, kept my vows (or sure tried to) and he was a decent man who deserved lots better from me." IF I cannot say those things, that will greatly sadden me....also I admit that sometimes doing right by the kids or by you, means not staying in a toxic m....I digress...but as for noticing changes in our sitch' due to DBing....yeah, notice and enjoy...


Who knows what your w is thinking? And yes you must stop mind reading...(but that does not mean you can't notice things that are changing- and get a little chuckle out of them...change of any sort is progress one way or the other, you know? Can't do limbo forever...)

(( j ))

Thanks 25. I've been doing quite well recently in avoiding being baited into any arguments. I'm also trying to keep from mind reading, as you say. Not worth the aggravation, or the misguided expectations that can bring you.

Journaling:

W has been very cheerful in interactions, but yesterday on a phone call for family business her answer to the normal greeting "How you doin'" was "cruddy".

I tried to be as supportive and validating as I could; she explained she was in a funk and got weepy. Said she hadn't done a thing all day.

She seems to be finding excuses to stop by the house or meet me and the kids out where we are. If she is feeling poorly she is hiding it well. I get the sense she is faking her cheerful mood.

Today she invited me to an event she is taking the kids to tomorrow night. I'm debating whether or not to go. There is a children's event Saturday that she is bringing the kids to that I would prefer to attend, so I was thinking of inviting myself. I doubt she would have any problem with it.

Just thinking that if she has a thought in the back of her mind that I may be getting someone else's attention, it may not hurt to cultivate that in a mysterious way.

The invitations from her have been very rare, and one thing I haven't done yet is turn one down.

View it as a opportunity. Show up "on." Look great, smell great, be charming (especially to other women), be a great Dad, smile at and compliment people. Go and have fun.

OK. That sounds like a good plan. Told W I'd go, and invited her to have dinner with us at home prior to the event since it starts pretty early, and she accepted.

Had a lot of communication with the W the last couple of days, some business, other just friendly stuff - like youtube videos and funny emails she's gotten. All of the interaction has been excellent, like before all this mess occurred, and all (except the family business stuff) is coming from her.

When W is in good spirits like she has been recently (at least when dealing with me; the other day she admitted to being very down but put on a brave face around me) and not drowning in depression, the separation actually seems to be a bit refreshing. Like getting a small dose of us together, not pushing it too far, and then back to our separate ways. Funny but the last couple of days it seems like she is doing the DB thing of always seeming perky and happy even when you don't feel it.

It's a positive development, but I won't read anything more into it. It just makes it much more pleasant for me not having to deal with an irritable spouse. We'll see how long it keeps up. I won't have any expectations, working hard at staying detached...

get some suggested reading done. You're going to be glad you did, I promise.
j-

I finished The 5 Love Languages this week, 25. Definitely a good read.

Journaling:

W came over early today unannounced. Interaction was fine though I could tell she wasn't as cheerful as prior in the week. Seems the longer we are together, the moodier she gets. We discussed nothing but small talk and her job search, which she admitted kind of stalled as she has not felt motivated.

Dinner was fine, and the event we took the kids to was pleasant. Felt sorry for my son as he kind of whined as I was getting everyone in the car for W to take to her apartment. He said he wished he was staying home, as it was more "comfortable". "I hate the weekend" was another quote. W wasn't around to hear it.

Hopefully W sees some of this when she has the kids, which will help dispel the myth that "they will be fine". Maybe they will, but not as fine as they would be if she snapped out of it.

I keep trying to prevent myself from having any expectation of progress toward reconciliation. She's definitely not "well". She admitted she had feelings this week of being a "loser" and failing in everything from her marriage to getting a job.

Nothing I can do but validate. She's got to hit bottom on her own. She's becoming very active in her church, which is great, but may be a means to compensate for the ways in which she feels she is turning against God.