And I think 2 overnights at this point is too much too soon! Start with 1 overnight for a long time, don't you agree? But don't know how you guys are figuring this out right now.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
And I think 2 overnights at this point is too much too soon! Start with 1 overnight for a long time, don't you agree? But don't know how you guys are figuring this out right now.
I think one overnight at a time is more than enough. I know that he wants to do what the guys at work do: long stretches of the kids being with one parent to minimize inconvenience for the parents. He told me that "that's how things go" soon after he moved out (based on what "all the guys" at work do).
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
But IMO the children are the losers when they have to start shuttling between two homes. One of my children is only 3 years old, and my S6 is autistic. They are both have a history of being horrible sleepers. They need the consistency of a regular bedtime routine and a constant sleep environment. I could see one overnight a week becoming a pleasant routine for them but I think that more than that could become a stressor for them.
This lurker agrees with you 100% and especially given the young ages, the autism. One night max for the young 'uns. Two nights reserved for special occasions (treat). Planned in advance.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
And you can look up recommended visitation schedules for their ages and based on what % custody you are each getting...but I bet you already know that!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I'm glad that things went well with the overnight last night. It sounds like you made an effort to help them feel comfortable. And thanks for respecting my discomfort around the children doing a second overnight in a row with you tonight. Sorry I sounded tense on the phone...your request threw me for a loop.
Let's do some thinking about what's best for the children with overnights. My starting point is that occasional overnights with you are probably beneficial for the children. Perhaps even once a week if the experience continues to be positive, as it seems to have been last night. I am concerned, however, about two or more nights in a row, except in exceptional circumstances...in the short term at least. Convenience (for you or me) should not be a consideration in how we manage this.
I am hoping that we can concentrate on providing a secure base for the children right now. I'm observing signs of stress and distress in the children lately. S6 is mentioning feelings of sadness and "what is wrong with me?". D3 is showing more aggression, withdrawal, preoccupation with understanding what the separation means to our family, and overall seeming outwardly less happy. People who are close to our family have commented on the changes in D3 especially. You may not be seeing this, and that is not surprising as children are typically more open with expressing their vulnerability with the primary caregiver. These reactions are not surprising, but my interpretation is that the recent changes are enough for them to cope with.
Flowmom
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm glad that things went well with the overnight last night. Sorry if I sounded stressed. I appreciate you understanding my concern about the children doing a second overnight.
Let's do some thinking about what's best for the children with overnights. Maybe even once a week if the experience continues to be positive. I am concerned about two or more nights in a row at this time, except for special circumstances.
If you have time, would you read this article and let me know what you think? It talks about young children doing overnights on a regular basis:
I am hoping that we can concentrate on providing a stable routine for the children right now. They're expressing some sadness and vulnerability to me and others who see them a lot lately. Taking it slow might help.
I think I remember you said he doesn't believe that they're experiencing any stress. So if that's his defense mechanism, I don't know that you'll break through it with details. Those can come later if he presses. He may read it as guilting and just blow it off otherwise and you WANT him to hear that part. So maybe give it to him in bits he might be willing to attempt to digest. Not sure. Just a thought.
Nice edit job rr! My version always has TMI . I even know it, but don't know what to leave out. I appreciate the input a lot.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
(based on what "all the guys" at work do).
. I even know it, but don't know what to leave out. I appreciate the input a lot.