Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

Thanks everyone. I actually had fun with my friend. We watched a movie, merged with the downtown crowds celebrating the hockey win, then had a late dinner and drink.

Then I stupidly did my checking-up-on-H on FB ritual and got really worried. A young attractive woman posted a comment on H's FB wall three days ago and signed it "xoxo". Didn't know what to think, but some women are like that. Then today, her post has disappeared! More digging:
- she lives in our city
- she is at a competitive level in H's sport so they definitely have probably met many times and H is also a big fish in a small pond in the sport so there would be mutual admiration there
- he added her as "friend" on his first day on FB (he started after our separation)

I just think that's wierd that her post would have disappeared. The only thing that I can think of would be the woman "marking her territory" by posting on his wall...then him getting her to remove her post because, after all, many people including his mother reads his FB page. Why else would the post disappear?

Ugh. More worry. I wish I knew for sure.

Now it's super late and my entire family is sleeping in a place that I'm not allowed to go to. And I'm going to sleep. Now.

He also could have deleted it from his end, not just asked her to delete it. People delete things to unclutter their front page sometimes. They also delete things for no reason because they are bored and clicking. They also delete that which they don't want others to see. Not liking a person but having had to friend them for social or work reasons is also a reason for deleting comments from your front page. Who knows?

Flowmom,

I just wanted to perhaps give you a little reassurance from what you posted on Jack's thread.

My h spent the past two years giving me the impression that he didn't think about me. Added to the fact that in the early days he told me that he never thought about me and didn't miss me it was one of the main things I struggled with a lot. Turns out, as he told me the other day that he thinks about me and the situation 'in one form or another' everyday and has no recollection of saying those words to me 'and they absolutely weren't true'.

So as Jack says, they do think about you... keep working.

flowmom, glad you got out and about last night! It sounds like it was an exciting evening.

As for the Facebook thing, I don't do FB, so I can't contribute much. What I DO know is this--anyone with a computer and a working keyboard can post anything they want. I wonder if this is the case with this woman.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend! Get out and have more fun!

If I post something on your wall. You can remove it. Maybe your H removed it. My comment, YOU fit this description. Young attractive woman, ok so you didn't post anything on his wall.
Your H is depressed and can't see the forest from the trees. I have a question. You say that your H is involved with a sport. Has his performance in this sport declined recently? Is this adding to his depression?

I think that you got out last night is great. You need to keep your focus off of H and stay on YOU. You are going to be OK.

This morning was hard.

H phoned me this morning to arrange when to drop off the kids. He said that everything went great last night. I didn't respond (in my mind: "what, do you want a f---- prize???").

Then he said that he was thinking he'd keep the kids' bedding at his place (he borrowed the bedding from our home last night) and they'd stay at his place overnight again tonight so that it would be more convenient for them all to pick BIL up at the airport tomorrow morning.

My first response was "I don't feel comfortable with that". I should have just left it at that but I went on to explain that I didn't think that 2 overnights in a row was best for the children because my 3 yo needs to sleep in her own bed tonight, etc. He insisted that they are fine -- and I said "good, let's not rock the boat by overdoing it". I was annoyed because he had the whole convo in front of the kids and he had obviously made it look like the party was continuing tonight before talking to me about it. And he said "I thought you'd want more time off" -- I said: "I'll decide what's right for me and let you know". I was polite in my words but my voice was stressed. He commented on that and backed down (obviously being careful not to rock the boat with my comfort zone and cooperation).

I'm not happy with how I handled that. I should said:
"I don't feel comfortable with that and I'd like to discuss it later when we can talk privately without the kids around".
I need to get into the habit of giving myself time to react and not responding on the fly. I haven't had to do that much because we've had very few "loaded" verbal interactions.

He's totally doing the "party dad" thing...eating in restaurants all the time, giving them chips and junk food that they don't normally get, etc.

I appreciate the support and well wishes.

Thanks for clarifying that H could have deleted the post himself. I'm sure it wasn't by accident because I've never seen anything else disappear, but there could be various reasons for him doing that I suppose. Still smells fishy.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I like OP's thread title that refers to navigating without using one's senses and having to rely on the instruments...that's how I feel now when I am trying to make assumptions that aren't based on the evidence of my own experience.

H is experiencing minor celebrity through selling videos and doing online coaching in his sport. Due to his age and lack of time for training, he is not at a competitive level in his sport and I know that bothers him a lot.

He has a serious health condition and he may need to be on dialysis or get a kidney transplant in a small number of years (5 years ago he was told that he would be there in a couple of years from now). I think things are looking a bit more optimistic now, but realistically he may already be experiencing depression, brain fog, and fatigue due to reduced kidney functioning (only 40% now). Body/mortality issues are huge for H so any signs of his body's reduced functioning are a huge blow to him.

I have an hour before the kids get back. I'm going to try to deal with the tear tracks on my face, and do some meditation and reflection to try to get back into the NOW, which is where I live. Everything else is about fear and control and that's not helping me.

Try to remember he is their father as much as you are their mom. I know haw hard the separation from the kids is, I kept telling myself, "not only did he leave, I have to be without my kids now?"... But after a while, I was looking forward to them being with their dad, I needed some time off...

When you talk, dont be defsenive NOR aggressive.
Stay strong,
xxx
K

I have not limited his access to them in any way. But IMO the children are the losers when they have to start shuttling between two homes. One of my children is only 3 years old, and my S6 is autistic. They are both have a history of being horrible sleepers. They need the consistency of a regular bedtime routine and a constant sleep environment. I could see one overnight a week becoming a pleasant routine for them but I think that more than that could become a stressor for them. At this point they are both visibly less happy than before the S and this is becoming obvious to people close to our family. I really don't think they need more changes right now.

LMAO! EXACTLY what I think everytime WH texts me the morning after he takes S!
My responses have been:
wk 1: thanks!
wk 2: ok
wk 3: nothing
wk 4:-oh wait; he didn't text anything! Guess he got the message?