Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers !Help! Need Advice and encouragement!

Well, stepson-16 got in trouble at school today-

I got the call b/c mom's old cell # was only # the principal had for the wife.

They were saying he had a "meltdown" about having to go to d-hall.

They were also calling security, supervisors, police, etc. b/c he mumbled something to the teacher after his outburst and they heard the word "GUN" in there somewhere.

I immediately called my girls at home to check if he had been by the house or ?? He walked in the house right then and I had them put him on the phone.

It turns out, he did have an outburst and went out in the hall, but then he came back in and apologized to the teacher (but was mumbling)-- I asked for his exact words:

He said, "I'm sorry, I've got a lot goin' on"

I immediately figured out that they heard "gun" out of "goin' on"

Fortunately, I was able to get the principal back on the line and convince him that all was okay, before the SWAT unit showed up.

Otherwise, son would have had a loooong d-hall in the "Big House"-Crossbar Hilton, or Hotel Graybar. He might have met some friendly guys in there that would help him study biology.

Anyway, W called me and asked, "Why didn't YOU call me?!", in this gruff, bowed-up voice. I said, "I figured it would be better if the principal called you and explained it directly to you!"

She said, "It was a misunderstanding" --and I said, "Yes, I was the one that figured that out and convinced the principal to call the dogs off!!

She asked should I pull him out of school? (she was meaning to relocate him to the closer school where they now live) That woulld be the third school he goes to in this year.
I said that won't fix the problem.

I said ALL the kids are having SERIOUS problems, are screwed-up, and are in at least two or three forms of counseling. I don't think she even knew her son was in counseling at all!

She said: I know it's a change and that's going to be rough on them, but they'll get through it, blah, blah --

I interrupted loudly and said: "NO!
It's not "just a CHANGE"!

YOU NEED TO QUIT LYING TO YOURSELF THAT THIS IS JUST SOMETHING THEY WILL "GET OVER" LIKE A COLD OR SOMETHING.

IT'S THE DESTRUCTION OF THEIR FAMILY! THEY WILL BE SCARRED FOR LIFE AND IT IS SOMETHING THAT WILL AFFECT THEM FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. IT'S NOT SOMETHING THEY WILL JUST "GET OVER" OR ever get over.

She got quiet and was listening (crying, also, I think). I told her, "You go on ahead with doing whatever YOU are gonna do, I'M ALREADY MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE!

BUT DON'T TRIVIALIZE THIS LIKE IT'S JUST SOME "CHANGE"!
I've gotta go now, but I'll talk to you, LATER!

I wanted to go on about how this was the biggest mistake SHE had EVER made in her life, and she probably won't realize it for years, but maybe I should say that one next time. My thoughts/words were not clear at the time.

I think it gave her quite a bit to think about--she wasn't arguing anymore.

Much later, she was calling about d10's b-day party this weekend. Asking me what I wanted to do for it...I told her where we were going and what time to be there.

I wanted to say: Oh yeah, destroy her family and her life, but oh, here baby, we'll have a party for you!

I could still say it later.

I still want to tell her the biggest mistake speech.

I think she's actually listening, some---now that the screwy meds are out of her system. And-- when I'm being forceful and not puttin' up with her b/s lies she keeps telling herself!

Later, she was also very subservient and politely asked to come over for some more of her stuff tomorrow (the locks have been changed) I said, yes, what EXACTLY are you planning on taking? And she told me --and I said that would be fine.

Anyways, I gotta sleep --look forward to any responses, thanks...

Stark,

Since you asked, I read your entire thread. You've been getting great advice here already, and there's nothing I can add that Sandi hasn't already said, and probably better (and certainly more fleshed out) than I could.

I'd be happy to answer any specific questions you might have, but I'd suggest to you that your roadmap is already here in Sandi's posts to you.

Puppy

Thanks for reading that long novel... I was specifically wondering if you had any ideas how to mess up their relationship/affair. That may sound bad, but I am trying to save the family. There may be nothing I can do but pray and leave it up to God--if it's going to get better or not. I'd just like to help Him speed it up!

LOL. and some of us get jobs there teaching them youngins....



Yes. It does sound bad and it is the most unproductive thing you could be worrying about right now. Read your post above. You are getting nasty with her. Your tone, your words are filled with emotion. Imagine yourself a woman right now. Would you as a gal want to get involved with a man that gets EMOTIONAL and when things dont go his way nasty?

Or would you be attracted to a man who acts on logic; who is confident, out-going, who doesnt have a minute to waste on someone who doesnt want anything to do with them and especially those who would disrespect him?

Think about it from outside your situation. That is why I suggested take a month or two where she is removed from your life. Where you take time for yourself; and if you decide to reapproach it down the road you can view it from a new and different perspective.

Waiting around is not going to save your marriage. Grow mentally, spiritually, and as an individual in this time if you want to save it?

I just had an argument with her about her taking her motorcycle before the title is transferred to her name or at least she has insurance on it and the truck.(They are both in my name alone now)

I think I'm going to just give her a bill of sale and sign the truck & bike over and cancel insurance on both.

The form I typed also states that this is her full portion of the divorce monetary split and she acknowledges that. I had originally said I would pay for a year of nursing school, but that was when she was going to sleep on the couch (and I didn't know about OM)-And she didn't live over there.

Anyway, I had been rather insistent that she get insurance if the title was not in her name yet, she was saying I was controlling and it was always about my money, etc. I said, No, you're living with another man and you think I should just keep paying for insurance? Or pay if you run over somebody or wreck the truck?

Glad you were able to talk to S16 before anything else happened. Also glad the Principal listened to you. Teachers are pretty skiddish these days, and they have a right to be, but it does make it hard when the student doesn't utter what they think he did.

It is probably useless to say this, but if you could reach the place that you do not feel that it's necessary to try to explain everything, or to even give your W an "answer" to whatever she says......you would discover there are less arguments and you'll be more at peace.

It seems to be a common theme amoung the LBH's and I can understand it, but it doesn't change her. I'll even go a bit farther and add this....even if you think she is "listening" to the message you're trying to give her....I don't think she really hears....not from you. She may hear somebody else say the same words and respond better.....but not you. You will truly be much more affective if you can learn to say less and let what she says run off your back....as long as what she says is not disrespectful to you.

I will try reallly hard to not explain to/answer wife next time.

I will say much less --but she does respond better if I am firm, yet not argumentative--which is tricky.

I know her main problem is she doesn't have the money for insurance. I'm sure she doesn't realize that the cash does not need to be paid up front.

Besides, she said OM was putting them on his insurance. She just hasn't finished it yet. I got the forms together and I want to give the truck & bike to her. I'm not sure if she saw some household items that looked like I've had female company, and didn't want another woman riding her bike, or just wanted to go riding with OM on these perfect riding days we've been having. regardless, she should have left the key so I could get it running. I believe I have another key, but I looked for it like she looked for insurance.

Either way, I think the suspicious items kind of bothered her.

I don't think she was happy I locked the computer, either.

Well, tomorrow I will be firm, yet quiet and happy

We have to do d10's b-day skating Saturday that I set-up, so we have to get together at least. Maybe we can go shopping together for presents- (yeah, sure)

We've only got two more days. It also looks like I'm paying for the whole party.

Anyways, I really wish I could tell her the you're making the biggest mistake of your life-but you can't see it yet- speech.

But that probably would not make her really think about it enough, right now, but if kid problems, money problems, and hopefully OM problems continue, maybe she would remember that speech and at least give it some thought.

Meanwhile, I am scouting internet date sites and e-mailing and getting some nice distractive friends.

Thanks, Sandi, your wise counsel is golden.

Maybe it's just me, but I look at it this way; if the mother & dad are going to live apart and have separate lives then they need to do their own celebrations for the kids. Why go shopping for the children's BD present and buying for the party, etc., as if it was all one happy family? To me, that is letting her eat cake.

Guess it's too late this time, but you need to think about that for the next event. From now on, whenever she wants the kids to have a party or whatever, then she needs to give it and provide for it on that side of the fence.....and then if you want to do something, you'll do it from your side. Sounds kind of cold and maybe doesn't seem like DBing, but I hope you see my POV.

dont make that mistake.

remember actions speak louder than words.

walk aways follow the believe none of what they say half of what they do rule also. they probably made that one up.

Wow, Sandi, I wish I would have thought of that separate parties thing... I don't know if I could change it now, without being an a$$ and/or hurting daughter's feelings. Any suggestions? Maybe I could explain to wife that it gives the girls false feelings or something. Maybe it IS too late for this event?

What do you think about how she visits at the house? Should I tell her she needs to take them somewhere else when she visits? It isn't her house any longer...

Yesterday, she mainly napped on the couch after moving stuff and coming back to visit the girls. (I locked her out of the computers)