Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I've hit a wall.. Now what?

Thanks Cutter! I am really not into the man I was with last night. Other than salsa we have NOTHING in common. That makes it easy to walk away from him

I found out last night that I'm NOT in easy attach mode. I still haven't quite broken down the walls "good" married people build to prevent them from getting into a bad situation with someone. I am still totally emotionally closed off to other men... UGH. I think that might be the next hurdle in this process... I have very thick walls because in my line of work I spend alot of time with mostly other men and I was very careful NOT to get myself in a compromising position. Its going to be an interesting process of reversing that. Time will help I guess. This is an issue I hadn't really thought about until now. I'm not in a huge hurry to break down those walls - they are truly making celibacy slightly easier at this point....

Pearl,
It does feel good to be off the roller coaster!! The more I work through how I feel the better things get!! I prefer him to call because I can't stand email/text. In general - and I know that makes me old fashioned and behind the times. I just generally dislike that communication. H knows this and if I were paranoid I would say that's exactly WHY he doesn't communicate that way. I think in non-paranoid world its really because there is emotion in conversation and there isn't any emotion in email/text. It works for him for the same reason I don't like it in general. He can't actually face the true emotion of this situation - I would be willing to bet it stirs up feelings he's trying to deny.

Email has been good for organizing responses - it gives a measure of control! Oh Well - Moot point - he's clearly going to do it his way and I just don't care anymore.



T

Look at it this way, communicating via email is definitely a 180 for you. So drop the protestations and really all complaints about H. Next time the spy can report that talia is doing great and doesn't talk about H at all!

Talia,
I LOVE that you are going out dancing! Honestly I think that dancing is the best medicine. I started going out to a few local clubs w girlfriends last fall (hadn't done that since college days!) and it was SO much fun. Good for you..keep that up!

As to the dating scene, I totally hear you on the walls and stepping your toe out first. I think that's great that you did that, regardless, and even if it felt weird. I started dating a bit last fall and it was very helpful..but was also warned about the attachment piece. I had great fun, but when I realized the guy just wanted one thing, it made me miss comfort of H even more. But that is bound to happen. The comparison at first (whether good or bad) is only Natural. I had been w H for almost 12 years(!) so for me it was like getting 'my game' back by going out and getting PMA (another use of the acronym, as my GF coined, "positive male attention"). So I had my 'experiment' last fall. And now I realize I'm still not ready for anything serious, and that is fine and OK...I am excited to start 'dating'. Where at first I would be closed off to a guy if I didn't sense an immediate attraction, now I'm ALL ABOUT being open-minded. 1. it's practice. 2. you never know until you give people a chance, and 3. you learn so much more about yourself in the meantime. It's also helped me realize the ways H and I were not a good fit for each other, in some ways.

So you have a wall up for now. That's good to recognize, it's perfectly fine, normal, and hey, it would be weird if you didn't. go at your own pace and as my aunt recently told me "YOU call the shots". I've also realized it can be a good excuse if you're not ready to proceed any further (physically or emotionally) with another person..you are still in 'healing' mode in many ways. Do what feels right for you, and if a guy doesn't respect you than his problem.

You are right, time is good. I go out with a friend here a lot that's also recently gone through D. We push ourselves to flirt and such..and coined a new little acronym: NLFMH. "Not looking for my husband" Meaning you are not looking for the next man, next serious relationship, you are just out to flirt and have fun and have a good time. Then everything will fall into place when/if you are ready...but obviously you're parallel-processing the 'letting go/detaching' from H at the same time as well. Regardless of whether there is any reconcil or not.

Don't know if this helps at all.. but I think you are absolutely on the right track! And remember, you call the shots!
((t))
-hhh

Talia and hhh--

sounds like you are moving in great directions with dating, PMA, yet still being careful. I like NLFMH, hhh. I wish there were more opps around here to get out and flirt around. The clubs are all college scenes. As much as I think of myself as youthful, when you stand next to a 21 year old, well, it just shows.

There is an Argentinian tango class that a neighbor goes to. I will join her the next available Friday night.

talia, I think your H is using texts/emails precisely because it is a no-emotion way of communicating. SO much easier than talking. So maybe you can use that to your advantage--rather than asking him to change (which he won't) change your attitude towards it. "H is emailing because he is too weak to call. I will know that about him. And I will use the time/space/distance of this means of communicating to make sure I say exactly what I want to say, when I want to say it."

hhh--you are right, dating can be "practice." I am trying to email guys on Match and eharmony. Each time I think--oh, he doesn't seem like a good match, I try to think--what's the harm in emailing? It's just practice. And if my idea of going out bowling for a first date (seems like a goofy, fun way to have something to do while you try to talk) keeps getting shot down--maybe I will take that hint! What is a good first date? I hate the idea of playing 20 questions over coffee or a drink. I would rather be doing something. Bowling. Mini-golf. Something sort of silly.

I'm glad you are both getting out there and getting some PMA. I know you deserve it!

Just a drive-by for aver:

BF thinks bowling is a good first date idea if suggested by the woman. (And I just realized the irony of me turning to ask him that question. He hooked up with OW during bowling league. )

Anway...he said the only reason might be that the guy isn't any good at bowling. Miniature golf would be fun too.

Yeah, the both or three guys I suggested it to seemed to panic at the thought of revealing their lack of bowling prowess. Not in so many words, of course, but that was the feeling I got.

Heck, I can't bowl either, but I guess I don't tie my feminine appeal up in the ability to chuck a 10 pound ball down the lane.

Sorry, pearl, to bring up bowling--I know your history with that! hope it is OK!

No worries! I honestly didn't even think about it until I was typing.

I can see why a woman might not like the idea coming from a man. I don't bowl when my nails are looking good because it takes so long to grow them out. But guys should be all for it! And if they're not, cross them off your list.

When I was doing internet dating way back in the day I did all sorts of things (keep in mind I was living in SF at the time): picnic in the park, swing dancing, museum visit, and of course lots of dinners. My best first date ever was walking on the beach, then dinner at a little neighborhood Japanese place, then hanging out in his back yard followed by a cup of tea. Sigh. It probably had more to do with the company since it was with the man of my dreams. And no, it wasn't BF.

You guys talking about dating is making me jealous again.

I would never think of bowling as a first date! I like dinner for a first date because its a chance to get to know that person and decide if you want to see more of them - efficient I guess!

I'll have an opportunity for round two of wierd dating next week. Tenative plans with the guy I met on Match.com last weekend!

I definitely get the impression some of these guys are looking for just one thing. Some of them are very clear about that. Oh Well - at least I'm getting out there!

Jumping in with both feet!!


OH!! NLFMH is now officially my code for scheduled dates in my planner!! I think that's the BEST way of looking at this!

T

Exactly. It's practice. And if nothing else, it's a good story later and a free meal.

I agree with you Talia. I actually love drinks or dinner as a first date, b/c I really enjoy conversation/talking to people and getting to know them, asking questions, sensing their humor/wit, see if any connection, etc. But I think it's totally personal...I think bowling is great fun but I might choose it for later date. But Pearl's BF gives a male perspective, so maybe listen to that. Try a few different suggestions, and be open to what others try, and see what feels best.

I did sign up for match late last yr but got a little freaked out by weird pick-up lines...I mean there are some crazy ones people use! So I just started going through friends more..asking people to set me up or going out in big groups where I'd have a chance to get to know more people, and there was that common bond. Once your energy shifts and you are more 'open' I think people pick up on that too..

Too bad we can't all get together and hit the town! We should share our stories - for a good laugh if nothing else.

NLFMH - no pressure! Just have fun.. you've so got the right attitude.

BTW - are you still thinking of law school?

Keep us posted on the emails..I hear you on that too, I'd prefer live conversations but perhaps this is the way to go in these situations.

Have a great rest of your day!
-hhh