Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

To clarify, I already sent the email but I appreciate the feedback because I'm sure there are more to come like that. I had to do errands this afternoon and I just had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's gradually sinking in how hurtful this is and will be, and how much worse it will get.

Yes, I'm in BC CG.

I did something really stupid today. I had taken out three GAL books from the library and left them out in my bedroom, intending to put them away in a few minutes. Just as I was leaving the apt., H said that he was going to move a large piece of furniture that was in the bedroom and he actually had to move the 3 books:

Getting Naked Again: Dating, Romance, Sex, and Love When You've Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted

The Surrendered Single: A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who's Right for You

Bittergirl: Getting Over Getting Dumped

Just doing my research! But H could see it as an invitation for him to date and have an A . And he might even think that I put them there on purpose. UGH!!!

I don't know what I would do without the support here. I am so grateful to have wise counsel and people pulling for me and caring about the trivia of my life. Thank you so much to every single person who has ever read or posted in this thread.

FM-I check in on here once in awhile and our sitch's are similiar...someday...you will laugh about your H seeing those books! Hopefully, you will be laughing together!

today I GAL: by drinking in the sunshine at the deserted park with my beautiful children

today I GAL/180: by buying some cheapo clothes and shoes and vanilla fragrance (men apparently can't resist vanilla??) at the mall (I am *not* a shopper)

today I GAL/180: by running away from my problems/H - for 30 minutes - in the dark, listening to Buddhist teachings and looking at the inky ocean, lumbering mountains, and city lights...

today I 180: by accepting the gift of a meal from a neighbour (delicious risotto, salad, and papaya)

Flow,

Don't stress over it. That won't help you in any way. Plus, H is gonna do what H is gonna do, whether he has your 'permission' or not.

Good list on GAL for today, too.

Citygirl,

There's someone on the Newcomer's thread under "Last Resort Technique Modified" who needs some help/some of the type of advice it seems you may be better qualified to give if you feel like it. Her thread is short and new.She just put her H out for his fourth EA.

OK, I am really confused about timelines here.

It's been almost 2 months since H moved out.

We only had one brief R talk about 10 days after H moved out where he said that he hasn't closed the door to reconciliation but he has *no* desire to work on our M. We had the understanding that we are in a "trial separation" and that H agreed to tell me if something changes in our status. Even that wasn't really a convo because I barely said anything.

Since then there has been no R talk, and only a brief reference to D and to H dating (on H's part -- no reaction from me).

We're 2 months in, and I see that a lot of couples are heavy into D negotiations and legalities by 4 months. Is this in fact a pattern, that things shift at 4 months? Should I be expecting this?

I know that the advice is to not talk about the R or D or S in a sitch like mine. But when I read people's threads, it seems like people mostly are having R/D/S talks quite regularly after S.

I feel like I'm out at sea not having a clue of H's state of mind. I think that I basically am dark with H because we only talk about coparenting and that is extremely brief and to the point. I might make the odd comment like "how did your appt go" when he comes back from a dentist appt, but that's mostly for the kids' benefit (don't want to be totally NC with H in front of the kids).

I guess I'm wondering if there is a window to be proactive here before the legal negotiations are on the table. I know that I won't get any answers that I want from H, but I'm wondering if there could be a benefit in getting my H to go to the IC:

• 1. he would hear some wisdom from the IC who is totally experienced in MC and divorce work too (since he apparently isn't getting wise counsel from his friends or family). Not wisdom on how to reconcile, but wisdom on how to manage the separation if H is not ready to completely close the door to our M (which is what I last heard from him).
• 2. he could hear some simple, clear statements from me about my intentions, which he may be wondering about after seeing those books and my other 180s which could look like I'm moving on (which worries me because H is super sensitive to rejection and that could harden him to me and our M).

Sorry to be on about this but I just feel like something's going to shift and I want to influence what direction that goes in.

There is no timeline that fits every sitch. Sorry. Keep on keeping on. I am a year and 8 months into things and there is no discussions about anything legal.

Flowmom, what was your "sample size" (lol) when coming up with 4 months?

I am not a pushy person about giving advice usually, but please do not shoot yourself in the foot
DO NOT BRING UP R TALK. 0. NADA. ZIP. You must accept that you don't have control over whether he wants to D or R. It is up to him. (you can control what you want if you want to D. )

You CAN make it worse though.
I say this out of TLC (((Flowmom)))

LIVE IN THE PRESENT.