Does a WAW have an AH HA moment or is it just a slow process of coming out of the "fog"? I know my W will never be the same one I married and that will be good and hopefully I wont be the same person either. Like everyone else, I would just like a chance to start over and do it right this time! I would give anything for my W to agree to a one or two day intensive with Michele since we live so close. For me money is no issue. I would pay any amount to be able to work on M and R together. It would be better than the $2400 we spent on the D Mediator.
I know that I can't buy my W's love and that is not what I'm saying. I just want to have the chance to work on the M and R. I know that she has to decide these things for herself. I just started the phone coaching with Chuck but since we are S and have less than 14 weeks before D is final I am a little nervous.
Thanks everyone,
Ken
Your question: Does a WAW have an AH HA moment or is it just a slow process of coming out of the "fog"?
Answer: Depends, everyone is different.
My question to you: What would give her a "AH HA moment" as you called it? What would make her stand up and think that she's walking away from something incredible and important?
Do you think pursuing her and asking her to reconsider is going to do it?
Do you think bribing her or offering her money or telling her that you can change into something better?
Do you think trying to convince her that the marriage is worth another chance is going to do it?
Newsflash, none of these things work or the forums would be filled with posts by users that say "hey beg, plead and pursue your spouse, it worked for me!!!!"
Hard as it is to realize this, you can't do anything to change her mind. Well, maybe that's not entirely accurate.
How about you become the best possible person & spouse in the world? Without any requirement on her to do the same. Be loving & supportive without being weak, needy, insecure and supplicative. Enjoy your individuality and learn about being a real man, not a bully or a monster, someone who is going to survive & thrive regardless of this situation. Someone who isn't going to kiss her ass and forget about your own personal value, self esteem and self respect.
You be the best possible person you can be for YOU, not for her and this is a hard lesson for most on this site to grasp and internalize. If you make changes just for her to get her back, even if that worked, it wouldn't last. The real changes that last are the ones you make to make your own life better for YOU.
Be a strong, confident, calm, charming, attractive, funny man and a good husband and love her regardless what her decision is and realize that you can't force her to be with you just as if the tables were turned and you were her, she couldn't force you to stay with her - in the end, it would be your decision just like now it's her decision.
Control you & your life and allow her to do the same with hers.
Sorry bro, no magic button to push, no magic pill to take, no magic quick fix for your situation or any other on this site.
Do the work on YOU for you and not for her and be a great husband regardless of what happens and if you do divorce, hold your head up high knowing that you did the right thing regardless if you won the prize in the end.
If she wants to be with you, she'll be with you and truth be told, you wouldn't want her with you if she didn't want to be with you - how great would that feel?
Don't forget the other end of the spectrum- sometimes the WAW is waiting for her LBH to have his "Ah-ha" moment...
As a soon-to-be walk away husband I have so many walls built up that while I'm sure there will be an a-ha moment for my wife, I know it won't change anything.
I'm so angry at her that once I get her out of my life and minimize the damage to the kids that I will never take her back. I will never get over this.
That's sad, I know, but I'm being realistic. I will never believe anything she says. I will never trust or love completely again.
Just the way it goes.
You're still emotionally invested based on that one statement, you won't be getting her out of your life anytime soon, trust me.
You are no where near detached and it's a process and you're still pretty early in your own.
Stop being angry, let go of the resentment, start focusing on you and improving you and your own life and let go of the need for your spouse to be anything other than what she is right now.
Thanks Robx, I couldn't agree more with everything that you said. I'm sorry if my question came off as naive or wishful thinking or something else but I was just trying to discern if there has been a pattern with WAWs after they walk away just like there is a pattern before they walk away.
I'm not sure but was your post what people commonly refer to as being hit by a 2x4 on this site? Is so, then thank you. I am working on me and trying to detach and let her go to do what she wants to do and I am loving when I am with her and tell her how proud I am of her accomplishments through this tough time. I know that everyone's sitch is different but like I said I was just looking for any kind of common patterns in a WAW.
Thanks again,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Thanks Robx, I couldn't agree more with everything that you said. I'm sorry if my question came off as naive or wishful thinking or something else but I was just trying to discern if there has been a pattern with WAWs after they walk away just like there is a pattern before they walk away.
I'm not sure but was your post what people commonly refer to as being hit by a 2x4 on this site? Is so, then thank you. I am working on me and trying to detach and let her go to do what she wants to do and I am loving when I am with her and tell her how proud I am of her accomplishments through this tough time. I know that everyone's sitch is different but like I said I was just looking for any kind of common patterns in a WAW.
Thanks again,
Ken
yes it was a 2x4 but also some education for you, no worries, we all have to learn at our own pace, we could force feed you tons of material but when you're ready to learn and grasp the concepts, you will have your own "AH HA" moment.
As far as telling her how proud you are of her accomplishments, WHY? What does this do? I don't think it's necessary, it's definitely not natural.
You don't have to reward her for wanting to divorce you and by saying these things to your wife, that's what it sounds like, like ass kissing and supplicating her.
You can be loving even if you're remote by respecting her decisions, if this is what she wants, you can still love her even if you don't agree with her wanting a divorce. In the end it's just paper and legalities, would that really stop you from loving her? Probably not.
When you talk to her, talk to her like you would talk to a friend, do you go up to your body and tell him how proud you are of his accomplishments? Probably not and he would probably feel a little weird if you came up to him and did that. I'm not saying that you're romantically involved with your buddy but seriously, talking like this to her isn't going to make run back into your arms.
Stop pursuing her, give her some space, allow her to pursue you because currently you're chasing her and she's running away - do the opposite, get involved in your own thing and be involved in you and stop trying to talk and persuade her and compliment her, take a break, for your own sanity.
Although everyone's circumstances are different, I had an affair, was deep into it, broke it off, went through withdrawal, and had my aha moment. I wouldn't call it a moment though, more like what a #$*&%# LIFE CHANGING decision. What the hell did I do?
