mb, good job handling the situation of H showing up at your house... and methinks he is a little concerned about what you are thinking and might be doing...which means he doesn;t want to lose you... so you can feel confident to be even more "assertive!"
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
No I am not.. that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!
Her son is cheating on his wife and the only thing she can do is worry about HIS feelings? WTF?
Anyhow, that was a great handling of avoiding him...
I am not sure why he's asking you for cheques, but if you can avoid having to do that then do away with that too.. he's just using it as an excuse to contact you... ALL of these things are excuses to pursue you...
I think you can see the pursuit now yes?
It's GOOD that he's pursuing you... YOU need to keep refusing him... EVENTUALLY he will do the math and do the right think I honestly think he will...
He should get the idea by now I think that you don't want to be near him until he has dropped the dead weight OW...
But KEEP sending that message out through your third parties... MIL, his friends, yoru friends, anyone who is marriage friendly can speak up for you and tell him to drop the OW and man-up...
They just have to make it clear that you are shutting him out until he acts his age... sometimes waywards take NC to mean you don't want them anymore... so self absorbed I know...
I think he liklye knows he has to drop the OW, he's just holding out for some sort of miracle that will never appear.
Great job on avoiding him... If you can avoid talkign to him, do it... keep telling him you don't want him to come over, you don't want him to call, he's NOT going to DO it, but he will hear "drop the OW or I am out of here..." That honeslty IS what he hears when you tell him you don't want him to come by...
I think you have done enough work to make sure he understands the subtext of your shutdown.
If you can get third parties to reinforce your position so he doesn't give up on you, that's great too... But I think he does get it... Despite this he's gonna try to keep contacting you.. and he will use ANY excuse he CAN...
Allen, I really don't have the third party to tell him to drop OW. Everyone wants to turn the other way. I do have one friend, the one he went and talked to a few weeks ago and she told him to drop OW. But she is not one to call him and tell him that, she'll tell him if he comes to her for advice. Other then that, it's only me that will be telling him that.
I don't plan on saying anything to him, until he asks me "What's your plan" or "I don't think our M will ever work" blah blah blah his usual speech. I will see him again on Saturday, he is taking the kids so I can work. Maybe he'll bring up something then. Otherwise, I will just leave as soon as he gets here and act real busy as soon as I get home.
I know I've already asked this, but what should I do if he try's to call me tomorrow for my bday, should I call him back? Also, if he just texts me "Happy bday" should I reply with "thanks" or nothing at all.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
sometimes waywards take NC to mean you don't want them anymore... so self absorbed I know...
In the past when I have shut him out (granted only for a day or two) he has taken it this way. How do I avoid him thinking I don't want him anymore.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
1. As far as tomorrow... I assume everyone else important to you will be there... so why would your cell be ON?
Shut the cell phone off... OR better yet, leave it with your friend whom he was talking to... let HER tell him you don't want to hear from him today... I read on a ntoehr forum about a cell exchange like this and it worked out great, both women were having man troubles so they both traded phones... both men got VERY objective advice and criticism every time they tried to call thier respectiev spouse lol
Keeping him from giving up : Keep your ring on Don't date Dont' file Expose his affair encourage friends to counsel him or to be available for him to seek them out - have your one friend tell him he can call her to talk any time.. etc
Your FT that you are both seeing should be able to do this really well, again I can't stress enough the importance of coordinating your actions with hers.. you will have a MUCH more effective attack on the affair if you two trade notes.
NEVER call him back when he calls.. EMail him... ONLY if its CRITICAL to talk... if you can get someone ELSE to leave the message like your MIL, do that.
Avoid any personal exchanges at all costs... email is much more impersonal and safer for you and more painful for him... push the email
I haven't wore my ring since he left the house. Should I start wearing it again?
I think I confused the post about him seeking IC. We went to 2 sesions of MC with my IC. When he decided he wanted to see IC, he made it clear he did not want it to be with the C we seen together, he didn't like her. So this C he is going to see tomorrow night is only for him, she is not seeing me too.
My friend has told him that. Next time I talk to her I will tell her to text him or call him and let him know that again. BTW, this is the same friend that let me have it a couple of nights ago. She is fed up with him walking all over me, so she might be done offering her advice to him for awhile.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
OK, my question NOW is... why aren't the two of you seeing a family therapist?
Individual counsellors are NOT trained in the skills and knowledge you need to get your marriage back on track.
I guess I would have to see the IC's website to say more, but generally IC's have a very different focus from a FT... with FT's primary goal of repairing a fractured marriage.
Maybe I don't have the full scoop here on this person or your plans or theirs, it just doesn't sound like its the best fit for you from what I have read so far.
My friend has told him that. Next time I talk to her I will tell her to text him or call him and let him know that again. BTW, this is the same friend that let me have it a couple of nights ago. She is fed up with him walking all over me, so she might be done offering her advice to him for awhile.
Hmmm.... I keep thinking about this point. I hope you have told her that when your friend shuts your H out, she's not helping you when she does that. The idea is for yoru friend to offer your H someone SAFE to talk to about his marriage... particularly given his apprehension with professional counsellors AND your friend's intimate confidence with you, that is almost the ideal arrangement... as she can tell you everything he said and you can help coach her on giving him the constructive advice he needs.
When she shuts him out, she's just driving him back to OW for advice... which I can't imagine is what you want... This goes back to the guerilla divorce busting video (not sure if you watched it), but being a friend means doing what you need to help therm get their marriage back on track, and not allowing personal sympathies to take control... she's frustrated with him as you are, but she can't give up on him if you don't want to...
The thing is, teh OW and your H very likley WERE talking about your marriage and his feeligns about it early on, this is very often how affairs start.
At some point, they started talking more about each other about themselves, and less and less about thier respective marriages...
At THIS point in their affair, she is NOT likley giving him ANY advice about his marriage at ALL other than to leave...
This means your H has no place to go for that, other than this IC. I can't confirm the IC's credentials without a website or something to help see if this person is going to be able to help you that much... selecting a good IC is VERY important. And right now, your H NEEDS that, he can't rely on OW for good advice anymore (assuming she ever gave him anything other than sympathy... OW usually just start as sympathizers until the EA kicks in), I am just wondering where he's giong to go at a difficult time, his IC as well is only going to talk to him during session, not when hs mood to talk is there. It would be great if your friend reconsidered...
