Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Questions for The DB'ing Pros - Help!

I had several DB sessions. I believe they help. It is good to get direction from someone outside the box.

Never,

I can see per your comment that she feels like she can come and go as she pleases, but you must schedule appointments to come by her place. I'd like to see what others think, but I think it's time to set some boundries. Maybe tell her to please call before coming by.

Ideas for dates? I'd say something totally different from what you've done before or something unexpected. I have a date coming up this week (not with XW) and I'm going to her house to cook together. Just have a laid back, positive and happy attitiude. Don't bring up anything about the R. Act as if you've had an epiphany and everything is great in your life...you've found yourself. It will really throw her off and keep her guessing....try not you get manipulted into R conversations.

You're on the date to have fun, so have fun!

OK --- going out in a few hours. She came by this am to pick up the dog. Had a nice , short visit as she had to get to the vets appointment. Then, she called me back in 45 minutes and said she needed to come back and pick up some medicine for the dog and wanted to know if I would like a coffee? -- So, is that a small step?? When she arrived , she gave me a big hug and a kiss! It was nice, am I heading in the right direction??? I don't know but maybe.

Ready, I did pick up those books , which do you recommend reading first? She saw the Amazon box (forgot to throw it away! ) and she asked what I got ? I said a book, she said what book? I said "just a book" she left it there and did not pursue it. I just went out and bought a self help book called "The Success Principals" that I thought I might leave on my desk so when she pops over this week when I am gone, she will probably see it (hoping it will throw her off and keep her on her toes) --- you think that is a good idea?

Anyhow, gota get ready for our date -- going somewhere new ! Wish me luck !

Thanks for listening

NSD

Never,

Sounds like you makiung some progress! Awesome!

Just remember, there's definately some ups and downs when dealing with the WAS. Just hang in there and stick to your guns!

Hey Sgfan and all,

Thanks for the words of encouragement ---- it is tough to keep positive sometimes.

Our date last sat went well, had a good time , when back to her place afterwards for a glass of wine and some small talk --- she poped off a bit on how I used to be and about the weekend before and me asking her about all the stuff in her place, I just listen to her and smiled and did not argue or defend. She went off (trying to almost suck me in) a few other things (about me now being evasive and not telling her everything - ha, see, it is working!!) Again, I just listened and smiled and did not say much. I initiated me leaving saying I had to drive and had to get up early. Last week I was out of town so we only talked a few times and se was gone since thursday so I have not seen her since last Sat, 9-12-09. We will try and get together this week when she gets home.

I think I am going to a D attorney next week to see what my options are and make sure I cover my ass in case things go south. We are still on join accounts and a friend of mine going through the same as I am dealing with suggested I do this and make sure the court knows the date she moved out incase she racks up some expenses or drains one of our accounts. I don't even like talking about this nor do I really want to do this but I think I need to just to make sure I CMA. Still trying to be positive here and am not throwing in the towel yet!

Talk soon

NSD

I don't think you need props. Just read and make changes to YOU. Your changes in behavior is what is important. Actions speak louder than words.

Have you read the book on seduction? I believe it has great insight into human nature and how to be attractive to members of the opposite sex.

I agree with R2C - props never help. Now, if you read the book, and find things that help make you a more real you, then it'll be something good.

NSD: The good thing that you have is that you are dating and have some sort of intimacy. I wish I could give you positive advice. You know where I am at with my sitch after 5 months. Nowhere.. But there does seem to be interest on her part to want to try. My only recommendation is the changes you need to make. Don't lose your sense of self. I know it seems that we do that--put our pride, self, what ever you want to call it on a shelf while our spouse works it out. I do think if we let that happen continually, we end up looking unattractive to our spouse...Good luck and hope the weekend treats you well. Those always seem to be the hardest on me.

Hey All,

Thanks for the input --- it really helps. I am trying to carve out time to read and I am about 1/2 done w DB, however I slowed down on that one once I hit the last resort techniques. I am almost done with "Hold on to your nuts" -- good book, I might reread that one and I need to start on the art of seduction (that’s a big book!) Anyhow, still working at it.

Had a good date last night, pick her up at her place, hung out there for a while, went to a movie and then to dinner --- all was pretty good, she threw out a few comments from things that I have done in the past, I just smiled and did not say much. Going to a dinner party with some friends tonight so wish me luck.

My problem now is that I am feeling like I am in limbo right now, I want to talk about us and our R but I know that is not what I ma supposed to do. I seems like we are doing pretty good but almost in a friend kinda way and I really want to know where this is going? How much longer is she going to be living over there? How about intimacy, do I need to wait for her to make the move or should I, I feel like I want to but I don’t want to pressure her so there I am again, in limbo? Just not sure how long I can keep it up. If, in her mind we are done and just friends now, then I need to move on. I don’t want to prolong this. I know, I just need to be patient, it is just so f'en hard not knowing!!

NSD

Update:
Hey everyone, just posting an update for the last 10 days or so.

Sunday, the 27th of Sept, we had gone to dinner with a gourmet group that we belong to. We were not alone of course so we did not have a lot of one on one time but all and all it went well. I made a joke about a bush (old joke about the home owner) when we pulled up ad the W laughed her ass off so I think that is a positive, small step.

Went out again on Friday, Oct 2nd - it was her turn to set up the date but she was not able to make reservations at the place she wanted to take me (they were booked for a private party) so we ended up meeting at her place, having some wine and having a nice conversation, no R talk and I did not comment on ANYTHNG in her place. She was watching a friend’s dog so we hung out for a while with the dogs and laughed. I am really working on listening to her and being totally engaged when she talks (and she can talk, much more that I, the 3 to 1 rule is not a problem! - LOL)

Ended up having dinner at a small Italian place and had a great time, nice, friendly conversation, more wine, good food. Then, I drove her back to her place where I came in for a bit and talked. This is when she began to turn a little (not sure why but I am sure that all the wine helped things along) She talked about, in an edgy, aggressive tone, about all the digital pictures I had taken over the years and had never shared with her. I did not react, just listen. Then she gave me a backhanded compliment on my hair cut (it was fairly long for most of the time we were together but lately, mostly because it is really thinning, I have been buzz cutting it) saying that she had asked me again and again to buzz my hair for many years and now I finally do it. I smiled and asked her if she liked it and she said of course se did because that is what she was telling me for years! – I did not argue with her nor defend myself; I just smiled and thanked her for the compliment. The last thing she brought up was the rain gutters, she mentioned that at our rental property, she was going to be getting new gutters for the house and the cost was going to be 1800 dollars. I did react to this, just a bit, and asked her how we were going to pay for this? That is when she pounced on me and said she was just going to have it done and was not going to wait for 6 years, like at our house, to have it fixed. (That is true, there was a small leak that I said I was going to fixed and never got around to it and finally, while we were in MC, I made a to do list of unfinished projects and we had it done by a professional) She was very intent on getting this done, and was going to do it w or w/o my approval. I bit my tongue, as I did want to tell her that we should talk about such a large expense before we do it, but I did not. The interesting thing was that when she was telling me all of this, and how w she had to wait for 6 years before, she was very, very angry – lots and lots of anger! – Wow. That was my sign that it was time for me to excuse myself, call it an evening, I kissed her good night, told her I had a great time, and went home.

The next morning, she sent me an email about the gutters that says that “I never talked to her about the money I spend on my Hot Rod (this is true) and now I question her on gutter work that NEEDS to be done, humm, how does that work?? Just a Question” So, how do I handle this one.?? I told here I did want to talk to her about her email but I have not seen her since last Sat so I have we have not had a chance to talk. (I would prefer to do it in person rather than over the phone) - any thoughts how I should handle this one??

Sorry for the long-winded message, just posting this to keep everyone up to date and sort of record my own journal.

Thanks for reading and any and all input.

NSD