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That's funny because the EX was bemoaning that the OM's Ex "was going all over town and calling me a whore and a slut." I told my Ex--ummm maybe that's because you slept with her husband. I'd be mad too--in fact I am mad about that aspect of your betrayal toward me. Her response was "well they were going to get a divorce anyway."

This crap is all like a script--which is oddly comforting. It makes me feel sane to read about stuff that I could have written or my Ex said to me verbatim.

You are right in that she lies so much these days that I think she has no idea how much she lies and was lying. She couldn't keep this straight.

Can you elaborate more on the pro-exposure comments and how would you propose I handle this at this point.

In the interest of full disclosure I did tell my 13 and 15 year olds a couple of months ago before they knew anything was happening between their mother and this guy this:

"So you know (insert boy name here) that Mr XXX is divorced" to which they said yeah they know and had heard. I then said "well the reason he is divorced is that he was unfaithful to his wife and I knew how much pain divorce had caused them in their lives and I in no way approve of people being unfaithful to their spouses because it is now how we conduct ourselves when we make a promise of that magnitude." "Therefore, even though he is a friend of you mother's and even though he has been in our home (I kept the house that they have always lived ina nd were born in and grew up in) and at the time he was in our home he was a friend--he was now no longer welcome in our home" I then said "so your mother is living a separate life and she has the right to make her own decisions on who she chooses as friends but my prncipled position is that his behavior was not acceptable to me"

They both said okay they understood.

Thoughts on what I did wrong and or right and how to manage things. You all are a fountain of wisdom.

Thanks
Scott

UGH, I feel for you too! My W's A and our D will likely have the same time frame-

A whirlwind of emotions for me, and seemingly blissful for WAW and OM.

I did not realize from Sandi's post that a fair number of A's so marry...I somehow get the feeling that will happen for W in my sitch.

I have not mentioned this before on this site, but- up till now, 4 of past girlfriends M the next person they were w/.

That's a pretty frightening trend.

I told my daughters (then 18 and 20) the full truth. One had already suspected, and the other (D18) already KNEW, having seen her mother with the OM and it had been eating her up inside, trying to protect me from it.

My son (then 14), I said something like "Do you know why me and mommy have been arguing?"

"Kinda," he said.

"Do you want to ask me anything?" I asked him.

"Not really."

"Well, I want you to know the truth, and I also want you to know that I would NEVER lie to you, nor have I ever, okay?"

"OK."

"Your mother has a boyfriend. Married people shouldn't have boyfriends or girlfriends while they are still married -- it's wrong. I want her to stop it, and she refuses to, and that's why we're having problems."

"Oh," he said. "I think I know who it is." -- and then he proceeded to say "It's that guy from the gym, isn't it -- that young guy."

Kids aren't stupid. They hear things, and we do them harm, usually, if we don't have them hear it from US, first, in a loving and age-appropriate manner.

Puppy

Maynard, I guess its our egos only that would make this satisfying but I think the eventual marriage rate to the affair partner is pretty low and the survival rate of those marriages are abysmally low following for a lot of reasons. I mean think about it--suppose you got divorced tomorrow and got married the following day. Isn't that what an affair turned marriage really is? The compunding problems that affair partners have is that their relationship was spawned through lies, deception, betrayal etc... The affair partners KNOW what the other is capable of in terms of honesty and commitment or lack thereof. Further, the chemicals present in the brain will diminish over time and that "adorable" thing the affair partner does may no longer be adorable and instead is annoying.

The affair partner is now being called upon to make the sacrifice worthwhile. Thats a LOT of responsibility and depending on the level of sacrifice made it could be a HUGE set of shoes to step into and make happen.

My ego wants to see my ex on my front step--as my mother says it will happen for sure. I don't know time will tell I suppose. One of my buddy's wife had an affair while he was in the navy and he found out about it and lived with it and they supposedly made things work. He said the problem was there was not a single day after that where he looked at his wife and didn't wonder something about what went on, thought about it etc...He said all he did was waste 8 years of his like until he got the divorce that he should have gotten 8 years earlier. Sobering thought.

Wow! That must have been one for the books!



Why are you making those "words" so important to you? You know what the truth is, and you need to accept the fact that she may never say what you want to hear from her mouth.

Seriously, I know why it bothers you. But she is using this word "relationship" like you would put daises around a pigsty hoping to decorate it up so it won't look so bad. It's silly b/c everyone knows it's a pigsty no matter how you try to dress it up.



This gets you nowhere with her. You have to reach the place that you can show her that it no longer bothers you. When you react like you did here....she sees a scared, angry, & insecure man. That is not attractive to anyone and it doesn't teach your sons how to be a man in tough situations where women are concerned.

Sandi, you are right on on all points. I lost my temper on the last point and that was over a month ago--I regretted it. I had been pretty good for a long time up until then and I have been really good since then but I lost it that day. That was the day I called her to ask her if I had heard correctly and she and the OM were really planning on telling our kids that they were dating. At that time we had not been divorced for even 4 mos and the OM had not been divorced for even 2 mos. Additionally, the whole divorce was a shock to the kids since they thought everything was rosy with their parents--I don't think it was rosy by any stretch but we didn't fight, we were intimate together, but were very busy building businesses.

My mode of operandi at this point is to eliminate all communication possible with her that doesn't have to happen or involve the children. As i think back on it all encounters with her leave me feeeling badly because almost all involve her wanting something from me and me having to tell her no--almost all but not all.

As for the words of a relationship versus an affair I think the reason it is/was important to me is I want her to face the emotional costs of what she has done and it seems to me that accepting that she has actually done something wrong is a part of that. In her mind a relationship wasn't wrong but an affair is so if she labeled it the former then...no guilt.

All my friends tell me that most likely she'll wake up someday and realize what she has done I just hate seeing her put the kids behind her affair partner. She pushes those boys out the door when its time for them to come home to my house to the point that she will drop them off to an empty house. I told her I would not do the same with her and I felt it was wrong to do that and I would only drop the boys off to an occupied home. They are not property to be moved around at will.

I just want off the carnival ride is all. I do work out 5 times a week, I am in shape, my businesses are successful now that I can refocus on them and actually care. I started going to church with a woman I am seeing and I get some comfort from that. I am just still so saddened by something that was so destructive happening that didn't have to happen. Every day that goes by seems to make the destruction more and more permanent.

I was talking to the OM's ex and we both agree that we have the "whatever those two do doesn't bother us weeks" but neither of us are able to pinpoint what causes that mindset. Really, the ex and the OM stuff bothers me less and less all the time but there seems to be triggers that I can't pinpoint. I'd like to eliminate that stuff.

Okay, you need to know this in your heart of hearts.....she will not get away with doing wrong. Nobody gets by with doing wrong. It may "appear" to others that they didn't pay for their wrong...but sooner or later, they do. In some way--some how....they reap what they sow. But, I read this in so many of the LBH's threads, and it's as if they worry about their WAW getting an affair, breaking up the family, and leaving the M....without experiencing any guilt. She probably would not allow "you" to know it if she had tons of guilt. Don't you realize that? You are the enemy! She will hide guilt from herself as well as everyone else...but especially "you".



Yes, she probably will...and if she is M to the OM when she wakes up, then she will probably try to make the most of it, but who knows. I hear what you are saying about how she does the boys, and it won't help you feel any better to tell you...but I will....this is typical of the WAW in an A.

Okay thank you once again Sandi. Really, you ave me comfort with the small time it took for you to read and respond to my post.

You hit the nail on the head--all I want is for her to know what she has done. You tell me that she already knows and thats good enough for me.

Thank you so much Sandi. You don't know what a comfort you have been to me.

I am not a spiritual person but I habe started going to church. I am praying for my ability to forgive, forgets, and my ability to get this crap and bad feelings out of my soul. I want so bad to be done with this and I know its not healthy. I just don't know how to get rid of this negativity.

Puppy Dog Tails, I am not sure how I missed your response but thank you for that. It hurts to read that but is also not something new. I knew when I found out originally with her statement "there is someone I am interested in" meant she was having an affair. When she said she had never done anything I also knew it but kept wanting to believe her. Stupid me.

I have only recently started getting feedback from friends--my friends and mutual friends of my ex where they are telling me I did the right thing in getting a divorce that quickly. Remember--the first statement she made to me was Aug 30th with the "I don't know whether I love you anymore and don't know whether I want to be married." I caught her out on a date with the OM on Sept 19th and we were divorced on Oct 9th. The ex was running around telling our friends that I was a controlling person and just a completely different person behind closed doors. I am a very outgoing, happy go lucky person and generally the life of the party. People think I am a lot of fun and I probably initiated 90% of the friendships we have had as a married couple. That really bothered me to hear that she had rewritten history to make it sound like I was the primary source of the issues.

What is your recommendation on what to do with the kids? The two oldest know their mother is "dating" this guy. They're not idiots and I am sure the timing of his divorce as well as the sudden-ness of ours will be no coincidence for them if they haven't already figured it out. As I posted already I told them a couple of months ago before they knew their mother was dating him that I no longer respected the OM because he had cheated on his wife and broken up their family.

Thoughts?
Thanks again.

I suggest you tell them the truth -- that their relationship, in your opinion, was the not the only problem in your marriage to their mother, but you DO believe it is the major obstacle to her wanting to WORK on the marriage, and that that's very typical, from what you've learned. That you love her, didn't want a divorce, but you also weren't willing to remain married if she refused to give up her boyfriend. That you love them, this was NOT their fault, and that you have never lied to them and never will, and that they can always come to you and ask you ANYTHING, and you'll be truthful with them.

That you love their mother, and this doesn't make her a horrible person, but it WAS a horrible choice she made, and that you're no longer willing to lie about it to cover it up.

That's what I would do.

Puppy