Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers quietly watching....need help

I'm glad the articles seemed to be useful. I'll try to forward or copy/paste helpful info as I come across it.

You MUST, MUST, MUST get the Divorce Remedy book! It is invaluable. I would also recommend How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. It has some fantastic information in it. Both books will help you work your way back to sanity.

As for the state wrestling tournament, I understand why he is choosing not to go. I don't agree with it, but I understand it. It's selfish and very typical of his state of mind. Unfortunately, you can't point that out to him, nor should you try. He will have to learn from this when he becomes healthy enough to realize what a horrible choice it was not to go.

Keep acting "as if"! Continue to be pleasant and upbeat! Most likely, he WANTS you to get mad, pick a fight, or act in a way that justifies his choices. Don't take the bait or rise to the occasion. Standoffish is not how a gracious, kind, and happy lady would act. Be polite and friendly, but keep him at arm's length. Don't bring up your situation, and don't ask him questions about his feelings or where things are going. If he talks about taking things from the home, say, "Okay. Need anything else?" Validate his feelings without telling him you agree to anything. If he initiates a talk about the R, you may want to change the subject or very pleasantly tell him you aren't interested in a discussion about that right now. Smile, laugh as you tell him something funny (that you saw, that happened at the grocery, that a neighbor did), and look absolutely unbelievable (in a casual way, of course).

Keep busy! Enjoy the tournament! I hope the nephew does well.

By the way--why is it so much easier to give this advice than it is to know what to do with my H??

Thank you Number 8

Just home from wrestling tournament....nephew won both matches...goes on to tomorrow....the least he will place in the next two days is fifth!! It 's pretty good for a sophomore to take a place on the podium at State....I'm very proud of him and all he has accomplished!! His parents would have been so proud of him too!

H did not show up. However, I did wiegh the facts on whether I should call him or not after Nephew won his first match. I decided to call, because I wanted to rub it in just a little on how good the match was. I was very pleasant and upbeat. H had been drinking was very 'happy' almost to the 'manic' point...I sometimes wonder if he is bipolar. Said a friend of ours (someone he has just recently started calling again) had already called him. I said, 'ok I'll let you go.' H said, 'no, no that's ok tell me how he did.' I told him and then tried to hang up and he kept asking me questions. I finally said I couldn't hear and needed to get back in. He said call me and let me know later. I said ok.

I called him when I got home and again chatted pleasantly...he said he might come down and watch him wrestle tomorrow, but, didn't know about tickets. I said we just bought ours at the door and didn't offer any more info. Nephew won't be wrestling until tomorrow night at 7:00 (semi-finals)...which means about 7:30/8:00 for his weight class (160)....which in turn would mean another 2 hour drive back up north for H after that. H would have our dog with.

So, herein lies my dillemma...should I tell him it is ok to bring the dog home?? (he was going to leave her in the truck...we live in the midwest and it is very cold here...she's a house dog) I miss her terribly and I must admit, when he left he tried to make me take her but I didn't cause he was pushing her on me. I think he was waiting for me to say it was ok for her and possibly him to stay here. He will never ask as he was the one to leave. He said he will call and let me know tomorrow what he is going to do.

What do you sugest I do?

While in the city, I did stop by a bookstore and picked 'The Divorce Remedy' book which I am going to start reading asap.

Oh, and Number 8, I know exactly how you feel! (the last line in your previous post)

Thanks again for listening, gg.

gg, how's the weekend going? Did your H and dog make an appearance?

It may be too late for this advice, but if it were me, I'd take the dog. I can't imagine how lonely I might be if my H didn't leave the dog here with me.

I'd love to hear an update. I'm very happy to see that the nephew was doing so well! Sorry I was unable to respond sooner!

N8, thanks for the reply.

Nephew took SECOND at State in division 1 tonight!! He lost to an undefeated Senior...he's a Sophomore! It was a very good match. He was fine with it...he was happy to be on the podium!
And I have Riley (the dog)...it's a good night!

H didn't go to the meet last night...said he didn't think he would be able to get tickets. My sister talked to the friend who had called H on Thurs. and he wanted to know what was up with H. H had called him (on Fri.) and asked if he could get tickets and stay over night at his house! This is someone H has probably talked to maybe 10 to 15 times ALL year! H would never ask to stay at anyone's house, let alone someone he wasn't very close to. I have no idea what that was about. I don't know why H wouldn't stay at OW house (except she doesn't like dogs).

H does know that my brother-in-law and that friend are friends...so maybe H was thinking the friend would tell my brother-in-law and I would say something?? I didn't! My sister did tell the friend it was H's idea to leave not mine. He said he noticed a change in him too. He said he tried to tell him it's a lonely life by yourself...H just said we don't get along anymore and life is too short. (that might have something to do with the OW).

I did however, tell H Riley could stay here for a few days. I thought it would be better for her here than in the truck...H agreed, but, he didn't want to put me out...I told him I didn't keep her before because I had already made plans for the week. I did not say anything about him staying here...thought if H would want to, he would say something...he didn't. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of saying no to me!!

I wasn't here when he dropped Riley off. I left a budget of our bills and money H would get for the month on the counter...thought H would say something about it but didn't. H just wrote a note saying thank you and he will see me on Tuesday.

I really don't think H is ever going to change his mind about being married...he has everything he wants up north...the cabin, the land, the boat, the 4-wheeler, the tractor, and me here, 150 miles away, plus no expense of a DIVORCE. H has already told me he would not divorce me...I would have to be the one to do it. And really why would he???

I do feel a little sad H didn't ask to stay here...really makes it final!

Thanks again for listening, gg