txjet ~ I get the distinct impression that #1 - you feel you are a victim. #2 - that you have done nothing wrong in your marriage.
I really REALLY hope (especially for your kids' sake) that you will take the time to be introspective and realize that your wife can't totally be at fault.
You said she spends more time on her hobbies than her marriage. Is she not allowed hobbies? Is her only focus supposed to be you?
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
are you looking for pats on the back for leaving? abandoning your wife and children? for taking care of the kids at night when you get home from work?
If you work during the day and your wife is home with the kids, why do you find the notion that she would like to get out and be with her friends sometimes something to not understand?
Are you looking for a June Cleaver wife?
holy cow... how dare she have interests outside serving you and your children
if you want a maid, hire one. If you want a nanny, hire one. If you want a partner, start looking inside yourself and see where you can work on who you are so that you can celebrate who your wife is instead of being threatened by it
Well, after 5 years of marriage I've had enough. Filed for separation. Married late, and took some risks marrying someone from a much different background who would rather spend time with her friends and with her hobbies than being a wife. She is just a fair mother; I'll never get custody in the state where we currently reside (favors mothers 95% of the time) despite her uncleanliness and leaving kids unattended several times. She has no drug/alcohol abuse issues, which are about the only silver bullet for fathers winning custody where we reside. Have been advised to not even seek custody by four different lawyers.
Wife comes from a background where father wasn't around, raised by grandparents. Does not respect me now, and never has. I wish it had not taken over five years to come to my sense.Now, I can only hope to meet someone who wants to have a family and is capable of putting her husband and the family first.
In my mid-thirties now, I can only hope that there is time to recover and have a happy life with a good wife and children...
These days it seems so hard to choose that special someone wisely. Many women seem argumentative or greedy. I chose poorly. Hope to find some resources on these forums to help get me past the current situation, although I've already made the decision to split (second separation, not going to go through this again).
I'm going to apologize right up front for sounding like a b*tch but wow........
as far as the bolded parts above......
1. She is just a fair mother; I'll never get custody in the state where we currently reside (favors mothers 95% of the time) despite her uncleanliness and leaving kids unattended several times.
Where were you when the children were left unattended? What do you mean by uncleanliness exactly?
2. Does not respect me now, and never has. I wish it had not taken over five years to come to my sense.
Five WHOLE years huh? It doesn't appear from your posts that you garner much respect based on how you talk about your wife. I'm glad you gave it five whole years. Your children will appreciate that sacrifice as well. I'm sure of that.
3. Now, I can only hope to meet someone who wants to have a family and is capable of putting her husband and the family first.
This goes back to my previous post. I hope that for your sake and your future wife's sake that you choose to be introspective and realize that it does indeed take 2 people for a marriage to thrive or fail. One party is not solely to blame, ever. The sooner you recognize your part in the failed marriage (if you choose to allow it to fail...) the better.
4. Many women seem argumentative or greedy.
You might want to readjust your thinking. I don't think it will get you very far in the dating world.... I could say most men are @$$holes and liars....
***** I really do hope that you look inside yourself and realize that you might have had some part in the failure or success of your marriage. You are at a spot where you can still succeed but you really need to evaluate your part in it. And the victim role as far as not seeing your children.......when you are saying you are choosing to end the marriage, well the victim role kinda doesn't work too well for me. You are choosing to leave the marriage. *****
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....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Neither of you are in my particular situation, dealing with the issues in the here and now. Apologies for my inability to articulate the complete dynamics of the situation effectively. I am NOT looking for pity.
Where was I when the kids were unattended? Coming home from grocery shopping once, and coming home from work another time.
Wife does not pick up after herself, does not clean up her messes, leaves Q-tips with nastiness on them on the furniture for days, and leaves food out for days. I used to clean up after her, then was told doing so was only a facilitating behavior and that she needs to pick up after herself (i.e., I should not feel responsible for cleaning/picking up after her). After years of this behavior, I've quit trying to clean up after her--it is not my responsibility. You tell me who is the "submissive slave" here.
Wife is in school fulltime, has half days twice a week where she goes to pursue a hobby of hers and comes home at 7:00 those nights. If I didn't cook dinner those nights, we'd eat at 8:00 (kids' bedtime). She gets out of school at NOON! On weekends, I facilitate her behavior by watching the kids while she participates in her hobby. She's been gone all weekend so far. You tell me... just how much time is reasonable for a spouse to dedicate to a hobby outside the home? I have hobbies, but time away from the family is nil (they're asleep or still at school while I'm at the gym).
Not looking for pity, just used the forum to vent. Sorry you don't understand or appreciate my situation. Sorry you don't understand the feeling of possibly giving up the one shot you had to make things work, while your spouse does everything he/she can to further alienate you from wanting to continue the marriage. I have given this woman my best years, put her through school, and paid for her daughter's expenses since we married. That is not necessarily a problem, but the point is that I have sacrificed greatly for this woman only to be unappreciated and outright disrespected.
KS, I *can* indeed look at my own actions but I don't believe that one spouse should continually be repressed by the other or suffer because of the other's behavior. Nevertheless, I will re-read the posts above for inputs they can offer...
My advice to you is that you DO look at your part. It doesn't take one person to make a marriage fail or succeed. If you are ready to throw in the towel after five years, and give up on your children, be ready to accept all that entails.
I'll tell you that until you are divorced you can't imagine the repercussions to your children.
I read on another thread that you all have been married for 5 years, with a 5 year old and a 2 year old. How long did you date before you got married?
And I think that as far as an unpopular decision based on replies to your thread, when you join divorce busting, and say you're filing for divorce, you should expect that.
The other reasons we chimed in weren't because of the divorce but your attitude towards your wife and children.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
My advice to you is that you DO look at your part. It doesn't take one person to make a marriage fail or succeed. If you are ready to throw in the towel after five years, and give up on your children, be ready to accept all that entails.
I'll tell you that until you are divorced you can't imagine the repercussions to your children.
I read on another thread that you all have been married for 5 years, with a 5 year old and a 2 year old. How long did you date before you got married?
And I think that as far as an unpopular decision based on replies to your thread, when you join divorce busting, and say you're filing for divorce, you should expect that.
The other reasons we chimed in weren't because of the divorce but your attitude towards your wife and children.
KS, long story short, I have some confidence issues to work through before I'll ever date again if we go through with divorce. I didn't have the confidence as a younger man to marry someone close to me as far as background went. I put those types of women on a pedestal and put my foot in my mouth on every date. Once out of school, my job put me in locations that were far away from large population centers and in places where women with my educational background and life experiences are not found.
I settled for someone who I thought (based on dating for only a couple months following a years-long "telephone relationship") was acceptable from religious, personality, and other imporant standpoints. We shared a hobby at that time and had planned to build a life together around that hobby (as much as work/children allowed).
After children, and after increasing work responsibilities, I've found other hobbies that are less expensive and less time consuming.
At any rate, the clock was ticking. Friends from college had been married for years and were having children, and in my early 30s I was still single and simply not meeting the type of woman who was very similar to me background-wise and education-wise. Elected to date wife for a couple months and married as soon as the pastor had an opening on his calendar.
Regarding time... We've been married nearly six years, with a child who just turned five and a two year old.
These things don't matter to you. It is apparent I am the recipient of your special attention for whatever reason, despite the fact there are others on this very board who have come from similar backgrounds and received support--not abuse--from other members here. As a reminder, not everyone here salvages his or her marriage, and some divorce for lesser reasons than others.
