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Hi everyone:

thanks to all for there support and well wishes. They mean so much to me. I sort of wanted to get some thoughts out. Today has been a hard day for me.

I realize that I create stress in my life and in my relationship by creating expectations that my H knows nothing about. I dream up in my head the way things are going to go and then, when they don’t go that way, in my head, he’s let me down and the resentment starts.

Given some of his issues with depression and ADHD, I’m working very hard with our marriage coach to make sure that my expectations of him are workable. Meaning, there are just some things that he’s not capable of dealing with/handling, etc. It’s difficult finding a balance however. The balance between what he can do and is just unwilling to do and what he is really, genuinely challenged with.

That said, my expectations are really about “doing thing” they are situational. Such as the fact that I came home from being away for work for many days. I expected a big old greeting and then lots of questions about my time away and catching up while I unpacked. I even expected a night of intimacy. Well, none of that happened. Not even close. Our DD was giving him a run for his money when I walked in the door and then, since she was mad at me for being away, continued to be a very naughty girl until bedtime. It was one of those very challenging nights of parenting and it was very stressful. When I walked in the door DD came to give big hugs but he only yelled up a “Welcome home honey” from his computer. He was hyper focused on fixing it because DD had just spilled milk all over the keyboard. My husband has a pretty serious computer addiction and in our household this was as bad a situation as we could have. I did my best to manage my disappointment and not say what I was thinking in my head…”My good Lord, it’s just a freakin’ computer. You have 10 other keyboards in a tote somewhere. I just came home from many days away working hard and you can even muster the respect to come up the freakin’ stairs and say HELLO???? WTF”. No, instead, I just greeted daughter and focused soley on her until I was able to go down, give him a hug and tell him that I was sorry his computer was broken. He returned the hug and gave me a big ole’ kiss..told me not to worry, that it was his problem and asked me to just take DD off his hands so he could get the computer going. I obliged but as I crawled into bed with bitter resentment I talked to God praying for that knot in my chest to go away. It did and I came to the realization that, although my husband was wrong in some of his actions, the biggest mistake was the expectation that I laid on the situation. If I never had any expectations of the situation and just took one hour at a time and one thing at a time, I wouldn’t have been disappointed.

In the end, we ended up having a lovely weekend and a date night on Friday. He worked hard to share the housework and childcare with me and we each gave each other alone time to do our own things. We were together as a family all day yesterday and the only disappointing thing was his inability to not play games on his iPhone while we waited for our food at the restaurant. I watch him and think that he’s like a 15 year old. I’m married to a man who is very much like a teenager in so many ways. He’s also says inappropriate things when we are out in public. I’ve come to learn that being in crowds is an anxiety trigger for him and he compensates by being “overt”. He said some very inappropriate things on Friday night when we were out and I was thinking “that’s something a teenager would say”. It’s hard sometimes. But then I think about what an amazing father he is and how hard he’s working on his issues and trying to be a better husband. And I also think I’m also no picnic and come with baggage.

Oh, also he told me the other day that OW texted him. He said he thought it was important that I know and told me what the text said and that he didn’t respond. I just said “Ok” and I didn’t really know how to react honestly. I have to admit that, for some reason, I was immediately angry and thought that if I had told him that OM had texted me I would’ve gotten the silent treatment for days and he would’ve wanted to search through my phone, my computer, etc. I guess it’s just a day by day thing. Feeling our way through it.

Also, and I know I can say this here and not get tomatoes thrown at me, I am compelled to reach out to the other man in the wake of the text and the issue this weekend. It’s amazing how strong the allure is to that “bad” thing. I am so happy that I’m in therapy because I know that this allure is more about sabotaging my life than anything else. Deep down, I don’t believe I deserve happiness. At least I recognize it and I’m dealing with it.

Guess that’s it for now. Just a bit of reflection for a Monday morning.

Peace….Gina B

So he was being transparent and you're mad? He was doing what you want him to do. Good for you for not contacting the OM. I don't know your situation but keep taking it day by day.

kat

Kat:

I wasn't mad about hte tranparency but I was mad because this isn't a "good for goose/good for gander" transparency. when he tells me stuff like this he fully expects me to be "ok" with it and just be happy he told me. If I then followed up and said "Can I see your phone/text records, etc" he would've not been happy at all and would have melted down. However, if I had told him OM texted me, there wouldn't have been a question about my transparency. He would've gone right on my computer and looked. He and I don't share the same level of transparency, unfortunately. Also, he's a computer geek and I feel that even if he gave me the access, he could have other hard drives I don't know about, etc. Right now, obviously, there are still very serious trust issues.

Don't think that I don't know that I'm luckier than most. I guess I'm just still unsure of this transparency thing. I am a complete open book but in the past, even when he says he's been open, I find out he was hiding things where I couldn't find them. I did too, that is why I'm being so open and honest wtih him. I even told him about my struggels that I'm having over contacting OM.

Ahhhhh, it's just so hard to explain. Sooo complicated. WE've both done a lot of horrible things to each other and trust has always been an issue since the beginning of our marriage. It's the biggest issue we have. It's going to take a lot of conistancy to help build the trust. But I know my heart and I know that I want this marriage to work. Today and the last few days have just been a real struggle.

Thanks a lot for your respons...

gina B

If you could look past both of your "hurts" that you inflicted on each other... It really doesn't have to be tit-for-tat. Not about I am doing this better than he is.

Just look at yourself, where you want your marriage to be and start off walking. You could drive yourself crazy with what he would do, all you can control is what you can do.

I am sure you already know that but it is sometimes good to hear again. If I am overstepping let me know. I just want to offer support.

kat

Kat:

You are absolutley correct and this is a problem we have always had. It's been a tug-o-war for 5 years. He has been very much in his addictions and I've been a co-dependant mess. I started getting help and that's when i realized the train wreck of a marriage I was in and became a WAW a year ago this month.

As my therapy started helping my insecurity issues, I realized that I had married the wrong guy. To put this bluntly I married someone I never would have if I wasn't so insecure and lacking self esteem. BUT...I did and I do love him and I have a DD to think of. He is also of the same thinking. He realizes that his addition to attraction and "new, shiney, happy" resulted in a marriage that he really wouldn't have entered into if he had been properly medicated and had enough therapy under his belt.

WE are, however, very committed to our daughter, to each other and to this process. Being co-dependant, I have a tendancy to control things/people/situations. I wear a bracelet with the serentiy prayer on it to remind me that I really have very little control of anything outside myself. It's hard though and I work on that every day.

You are not overstepping at all. I am one of those who likes, candid, in your face feedback. Even if it hurts, even if it's not what I want to hear. Oldtimer has given it to me in spades. I know that we are all here to help each other. So, bring it on. I appreciate that fact that you are taking time out of your day to even weigh in.

gina

I suppose though that you were the right people for each other at some point. So you both have decided to do the work. From what I have read, you still want to control him and how he reacts to you. There are a couple of ways to work on that: once you aren't upset tell him how sad you were that he didn't come to greet you after you had been gone or Show him how you want to be greeted by doing this for him when he comes home.

I am not an expert just a divorced lady with 4 kids and a psych. degree! I have time to reflect on my own situation and am getting better each day.

I hope you will continue to get there each day in your marriage. Make it a goal to make each day a little better than the day before.

kat