Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy To tell or not to tell ????

Ya back in whatdidido's thread... a while back... you felt i was being too aggressive i think... not to worry, i didn't take offence... you are just protecting the forum members...

We seem to agree here so don't sweat the little stuff lol

I protect the ones I like.

I don't remember it, but it does sound like something I'd do.

heh i remember that one as well. First post was a long one etc... Everyonce in awhile puppy's bite. But they still wag their tail...

Yes I do recall. I am pleased to see you are calling it EXPOSING now instead of "telling".. telling sounds rather jeuvenile. I don't consider exposing an affair to be childish, I actually consider the affair to be childish.

Is reporting a burglar in your home "telling?" Somehow I don't think if your material property were being threatened in your home you would be calling it "telling"... why is a marriage of any less value? Its not, and exposing a threat to your marriage is as important as reporting a break and enter to your property...

There are a variety of reasons to hold you back. You are fearful your sopuse will leave. You are fearful of your spouse's upset. You are experiencing anxiety already and do NOT want MORE drama in your home than already present. These are all understandable reasons why one might hesitate exposing an affair.

NONE of these are good reason to remain silent - silence will NOT improve the situation. Exposing the affair MAY improve it. There are no guarantees. Your spouse may leave outright, spend six months with their affair partner and then come crawling back - this happens often. The exposure in SHORT time will create stress, and I reccomend a safety zone to protect you from this. The exposure in the LONG term does offer hope of an end to the affair... silence offers nothing but more of the same.

Dr Phil points out less than 1 in 100 affairs last long term.. which means exposure WILL very likley END the affair.... WHEN is unknown.. some exposure will end things immediately, some forces the spouse to choose to stay and end their promiscuity or to leave in rage that their spouse "betrayed" their secret to the world.

Affairs have proven historically to be SHORT TERM relationships once exposed to the light of day. They CAN last YEARS in secrecy... Secrecy and lies fuel affairs.. truth and reality kill them... some slowly, some quickly.



Glass is probably the most well known and highly regarded authority of infidelity in North America... she spent over twenty years researching her book... she knows affairs inside and out.

Penny Tuppy is good too, Glass is more well known.



That's the emotional effect of the affair. Glass points out that abaondoned spouses of affairs have an emotional experience similar to that of victim's of violent crimes - why infidelity is NOT a crime in north America I have no idea - so you will be all over the place...

Over time infidelity will cause anxiety and depression... your overwhelming sense of powerlessness will consume you... so yes you will some days feel like her leaving would feel better.

This is normal. I reccomend victims of infidelity finding a safety zone from the affair where they are no longer exposed to it if they can do this.



Michele Davis has been quite outspoken about the BAD therapy available on the market today. MOST individual therapists have NO actual researched knowdlege of infidelity. They may have handled the odd case themselves, but most individual counselors are NOT well read on the subject... Their advice is going to be out of date and uesless, if not outright destructive.

If your wife were an addictive gambler would you take her to an IC who hadn't read anything on the topic? A degree in psychology does NOT make one an authority on affair-busting. It is a delicate and specific field of family therapy - specialization is almost necessary.



Michele Davis has warned in her books about bad therapy, I am just passing on her message... do NOT TRUST a counsellor's degree...

Query them on Infidelity experts whom they may have read...

ask them outright...

Are there any infidelity books written by infidelity experts you would reccomend? If you hit them with this IN SESSION they likley won't be able to NAME ANY. There ARE experts out there, I don't expect you to get face time with them, but I do reccomend anyone with infidelity in their home educate themselves and find a therapist open to education on the subject as well. A GOOD therapist is NOT a know it all, but a LEARN it all.

Thanks for the tips on finding a good counsellor. My wife has agreed to see a new MC. She has told me I need to find one and schedule first appointment for us, "do the work" she says,seems odd??
And yes, she says she is sticking with NC, but I dont believe it. The last email (dec,2009) that I obtained indicated they were still waiting for better timing to leave their respective spouses. In fact he made an "Obama reference" about my wife giving me false "hope" for our marriage. She later found my copy of the email and she went ballistic on me spying on her...telling me I will never get over it.
Our 15yr old son is depressed about the situation at home... He has asked me what is going on that we always fight...Should I tell our son about his mothers infidelity at the same time I expose the affair to OP's wife ??? I think he might know just from listening to our outbursts. He has told other family members that "he wishes we would just get divorced" This whole thing is bull, our family has been ripped apart by the choices of a few.. Thanks for listening.

OK, be careful with the wife asking YOU to do the work.

Often this is just to keep you busy. Its like a game of fetch... They throw the stick, you run, they scamper off to OM until you come back with the stick.

Also, if YOU find the counsellor and the counsellor doesn't meet HER satisfaction, she can easily blame you.

My wife claimed her affair was over too... I have RARELY if EVER seen a No Contact claim that was true the first time out of the gate. Often its just a frustrating cat and mouse game.

GOOD Family therapists can SPOT a liar... much like a good lawyer can tell when their clients are lying.

If you can get her to commit to a PROPER no contact arragement IN session with a therapist you will be doing well.

Ignore her complaints about you spying.

This is the thing, if you CATCH her doing something, she's going to rant about her privacy and call you a spy or some such... They think they have a RIGHT to secrets so they can cheat. They DON'T. If your spouse is going to ABUSE trust to CHEAT, then they FOREGO trust altogether. A cheater has no business accusing someone who caught them of snooping... it's laughably illogical.

Can you imagine a burgalar complaining to a home owner "Hey you called the cops on me!!! You are a bad person!"

seriously, pay it no mind.

She's going to try to GUILT you into backing off, and then she will try to threaten you, and intimidate you... alcoholics try this when you try to dry them out... IGNORE the tantrums.

When engaging your wife, ALWAYS remain calm... If YOU lose your temper, THEY will and it does NO ONE any good, your son in particular will be harmed.

If YOU can remain calm, and THEY lose it, they will quietly KNOW they are the problem... If You lose it too, then you are BOTH setting a bad example for each other, and your son.

You have every right to know if your home and family are being threatened... you SHOULD have a spouse that's supporting you and HELPING you... if SHE becomes the threat to your family, then SHE has chosen to be that and is subject to the same scruitiny any threat to the home would be under.

If she refuses to be part of the solution, she will be WATCHED like any other household problem... and watched VERY CLOSELY.

EXPOSURE is BEST done by someone ELSE instead of you, that way you won't get the brunt of the blame, but don't let that stop you. Expose to ANYONE who may influence her to WORK on her marriage and STOP cheating. If her parents will be on your side, then expose to them, if they will just turn their head away, don't bother.

Until your wife is ready to hand over all phone records, credit card receipts, and be available for a random call at ANY TIME of the day or night, she's cheating still...

Dr Phil McGraw has a saying I love :

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

If your spouse is being defensive, then ya, she's still in contact.

I would tell her that the OMW will be told, and that its NOT up for discussion.

Learn to just state your position to her and to WALK AWAY, do not try to negotiate with an addict, it will just escalate into an intimidation match and turn your home into a war zone. Learn to state the case, and LEAVE.

Do NOT be available at your wife's beck and call... that's enablement. I made a post to mb28 about that earlier, read that... I suspect you have been enabling your wife's affair for a very long time.. its time to cut that chord.

Your son should NOT be exposed to argument. Try to set an example to your son by NOT arguing with your wife, just state your position quietly and calmly, and EXIT. Don't let her bait you into a fight... its a LOSE LOSE game when you turn around to respond to any provocation from your wife.

I would spend a LOT of time with your son to help them through this... I would also suggest collecting as much intel on your wife's activities as you can... starting with her use of the PC.

Get a GOOD Family Therapist that can talk to your wife like Phil McGraw does... about how foolish affairs are... and how hurtful they are to everyone involved... hopefully a good Family Therapist can help talk some sense into yoru wife and support and encourage her to maintain NO CONTACT...

She must CHAGNGE her phone number, her email, and everything else.. any resistance on her part is a red flag.

"This is the thing, if you CATCH her doing something, she's going to rant about her privacy and call you a spy or some such... They think they have a RIGHT to secrets so they can cheat. They DON'T. If your spouse is going to ABUSE trust to CHEAT, then they FOREGO trust altogether. A cheater has no business accusing someone who caught them of snooping... it's laughably illogical."

THIS IS SOOOO TRUE!!! Just had the same thing happen to me and I was the one feeling bad after husband's rant. this is spot on allen!!!

NEVER FEEL BAD for calling your spouse on something you find.

TRUST is a PRIVILEGE... it can be taken away at any time.

If you ABUSE trust you LOSE trust...

The only tricky part is if you were snooping when there was no indicator an affair was happening.. THIS is tricky...

In criminal law you cannot perform a search without good reason or a warrant...

AFTER you catch your spouse though, they have waived any and all rights to privacy after that point.. period... sorry to say, but if you abuse it, you lose it...

No respect for your partner = no trust from your partner...

If you disrespect your partner by having an affair, do NOT expect any trust forthcoming from them... and you have no privacy priviledges -- They are revoked when you are caught cheating...

Privacy is a privilege, not a right... Cheat, and lose it...

Phil McGraw always says :

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I am kinda liking this one... Which means no spouse NEEDS privacy in the first place...

This IS a delicate area.. i HAVE READ other forums where a spouse READ their spouse's diary w/o any permission or warning.. just opened it up and read it... THAT bothers me too..

I just don't know exactly where to pin the mark on privacy... still mulling it over...

But if your spouse is cheating, privacy is a non-item...

BEFORE they are caught... well, I dunno... should spouses freely open up their partner's email and such with NO JUST CAUSE?

Troublesome issue.. I am still thinking on it...

MOST spouses on this forum already know their partner is cheating, so that question is moot... no privacy is extended to cheating spouses...

I think one should apply the same standard the law does: reasonable cause.

If by some combination of your spouse's behavior, past infidelity, and current evidence you have reasonable cause to believe that they are cheating, then it is okay to snoop in order to confirm, so that you can take whatever legal, financial and emotional steps are necessary to protect you and your family.

Puppy