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I'm pretty much with Kettrichan (Sp?) and think you'll look more wacky if you try to do something you can't do legally. As you say, there's no threat to the kids and you have even less leverage than Bond (Bond's OM is arguably unstable so maybe he'd have had a shot). AND yes, in theory, you could have this idiot as your kids step father, (NO we don't think that's going to happen!! But...it raises a good point...) so you may need to relax big time...

I don't think you have cause for a TRO b/c even in states that list "A" as grounds for div and where you could poss argue "spousal alienation" b/c of OM (and therefore you'd be suing him) the RO would not apply AND finally, her seeing him in a group of people wouldn't constitute that alienation anyhow. Make sense? She may also have thought she wasn't going too far b/c of the group they were in. (I.E., Not alone in a hotel, etc)...

You can totally ignore it, or you could express your feelings & say "That was very disappointing b/c our children have NO reason or be around him and that was at best, thoughtless," etc.... will that be seen as whining?

Perhaps. WHich isn't helpful. But maybe Puppy's argument (I think part of it anyhow) is that she'll see how seriously you take it then...OTOH, Are you better off controlling what you really can, i.e., spending your energy on YOU and GAL? I think so. But it's just my take... There's room for disagreement here.

What I KNOW is that a restraining order is harder to get than you realize and IF it gets out that you pursued one but were unsuccessful, you'll look weak AND powerless and worse. At least don't let her know you are researching this until you know if it's possible to get one....

Also they are hard to enforce and again you risk looking weaker, not stronger, if it's unenforceable. Be sure. IF you live in a state that ONLY cares about what is done in front of the kids, who presently know nothing of this, and your w may not even be with this OM anyhow...you risk a whole lot more.

Pick your battles carefully. Only you can assess whether this is one of those things you can't get past. IF it is, get knowledge for that is power and then act from an informed position. Make sense?

Sorry. I know it sucks -- if you let this IN and then go around in circles inside you , about what it all meant. My gut tells me it wasn't the biggie you are making it out to be BECAUSE there were others around, and she would not bring the kids there if she were planning an illicit "moment"...just my gut.

j-

Thanks 25. I'm not going to pursue a restraining order.

I'm sure if I mention the contact with OM to my wife she will be shocked that I know and am making an issue of it. After all, I'm going off of what my oldest told me about the event. He did say that "Mommy was hanging out with [other friends], not the OM, which I found interesting.

I have no idea what went on. I seriously doubt that anything of note happened as it was a public gathering. She would just say "I can't help that he decided to attend the same event WE did, what do you want me to do, tell the kids, 'sorry we have to go home.'"

If I had gotten the info from an adult who could give me more details and context it might be a different story. I don't think it is worth the aggravation to press the issue. I was just bugged that the OM was with my son, which is a natural reaction.

Now my W wants to change around the days we have the kids. She feels out of the loop on the kids' school activities and she's supposedly worried that since the kids get to do fun things with her on the weekend that she is the "fun" parent while I get all the "hard work" of having them during the week, getting them ready for school, etc.

The email she sent was almost condescending in how it was worded trying to make it seem like she was being sympathetic. She must think I'm a fool.

I honestly have no desire whatsoever to change our schedule (she gets the kids Fri night - Mon Morning). I'll likely reply to her that she is welcome to come over for dinner during the week if she wants to catch up on what is going on with the kids at school.

Not to mention she has violated trust on prior agreements on multiple occasions - NC agreement regarding OM, NC agreement regarding our kids and OM, lied to my face, etc.

I feel I am under no obligation whatsoever to grant ANY request she has. Maybe this is the leverage I was looking for.

"She would just say "I can't help that he decided to attend the same event WE did, what do you want me to do, tell the kids, 'sorry we have to go home.'"

When she left, did you make it clear to her that she was not to be in contact with the OM or that the kids couldn't? If so, then I would ask her about it. If you laid down the boundary, it has to be addressed.

It's like a teenager sneaking out to go out. If you ignore it, she thinks she will have gotten away with it. Kindly remind her that you are the children's father and do not want them to be where the OM is. If he is to be in a public gathering, she is to tell you so that there is full transparency. Just say that she still has to earn back your trust.

BTW, 25yearsmlc is right. The RO is going to be more trouble than its worth. For the OM in my case, there was nothing I could do since it was my W's boss. I had to force myself to remember that it was HER decision to still work there. And that if she wanted to come back, I wanted it to be HER decision as well.

Totally sucks, but I've been dealing with it for almost 2 years.

Guys I'm not clear here. Pigskin (get a new name!!) um, okay. So your w is NOT with this OM that she admits...and he was in a public gathering and it's over between them "officially" speaking. AND she's out of the house trying to sort things out but feels that a div is likely as she simply isn't in love with you?

Def tell me if I'm mssing something. IF I have the whole pic, then no offense, but what position are you in to tell her anything about who she sees or runs into? I'm just asking. I don't hear her asking you to start trusting her or hear her saying she wants to regain it so what will SHE say she has to do and to accomplish...what?

Aren't you simply giving her space & trying to look like the better choice and let her figure this out on her own? IF so, how does putting your foot down in a sitch like THIS, help you do that? What is your goal and how would this course of action help you get to it? Be careful you don't set restrictions on someone who thinks you're in no authority to do so. Does not mean be a doormat, but be damn sure you don't push her so far or make her laugh you out of the room....wish I could help more.

And by the way, when it comes to moral choices and you find yourself at a crossroads and reallyy don't know which path is the "righter" one...the one that is hardest for YOU to take, is almost always the "righter" one -- b/c if it weren't, the choice would have been easier....just a thought that may apply to her or you someday.
(( j ))

When she left it was because of refusal to cut off OM contact. She wanted me to swap out to her place on weekends so she could be at home with the kids. So I cut a deal that I would agree to that if she cut off all contact. It lasted a couple of weeks and then I discovered contact was not cut off, so the deal is off.

There is no NC agreement now that we are separated. I realize that it would be pointless until/unless she seeks to reconcile.

There is still an agreement that our children are not to be exposed to the OM.

25 you have the "official" story right. Supposedly she has broken off her EA. It was a really deep EA, and she sees the guy at church, and runs in the same circle of friends. I just think it would be naive of me to think that she has completely ended it. But I have no proof, and am not seeking any, since we are separated and not reconciling.

Under these conditions I realize I have no right to tell her who she can see or run into, and I do not do so. But I do think I have a right to demand that our children are not exposed to this man. She agreed that they would not be, and violated that agreement.

Okay Pigskin, I think I get it...(sigh)

here's the thing...she agreed not to expose the kids to OM and has not complied with that (legally unenforceable)agreement so what recourse do you have? Way I see it, not much. Hence the sigh...but then, OTOH in her eyes she probably didn't "expose" them b/c there were others and to her, expose means them seeing her "WITH" OM...I mean, we are all mind reading here but why not mind read in her favor now and then?

I think your only option is hoping this runs its' course without doing irreparable damage and for most people who's spouses are having A's, that is it...they hope and wait until they cannot any longer and they aim to contain the damage, though some say "Screw that" and aim to inflict damage. I had a neighbor who's H had an A and when she found out, she kcked him out of the house but demanded HE tell the kids he was choosing OW although he was not sure what he wanted at the time. Point his, w's anger got so out of hand ( I know, I get it. It's damn hard to keep it under control, but she did not put her children ahead of her anger...) anyhow, she pushed him into the arms of OW whereas MAYBE he might not have made that choice. She forced her kids to choose sides and while they did choose her, they loved their dad and when they turned 18 could not wait to spend time with him or get away from her....sad really. She freaked....

Don't know why I"m posting this to you. Word to the wise? Hmm, no, you don't remind me of her but what the heck, I'll leave it out here.

More later, gotta go.
J-