Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers crushed, what do you do after the A

Ok lurking for weeks now and looking for some help.

My stich lesbian couple together 4 years with kids. My SO had an EA/PA. Started in 10/09, her old flame contacted her on facebook. She told me about contact, told me they had feelings for each other and that she decided they would not get together for coffee. That they would not have contact. Let it go as ‘normal’, not worried. It went underground, daily contact via phone and email.

I confronted 12/10/09 with phone records after growing suspicion. She admitted to EA. Next morning read her text messages she admitted to PA. Told me they had 5 meet-ups, 4 at hotel. Of course, I was at home watching kids thinking she was having nights out with friends. I even encouraged her to get out with others, something she had not been doing.

My world crumbled. She said she would do anything to stay with me. That she has been happy with me and that this is not about me. No contact with OW and transparency. Started MC after a terrible Christmas with extended family and not telling. Me asking her tons of questions and wanting details. Her giving some holding others. Now she feels it is related to her sobriety. She is 8 years sober but stopped AA when we got together. Now going to AA meetings and sees OW as addiction.

I have this feeling now that I’m not doing something right. Ok, Ok, I know I’m not. I feel controlling and pursuing. My mood connected to hers, going up and down, currently down. Checking email asking if any contact. My focus is going to this affair and not enough to my kids. I don’t know who to tell, feeling isolated. She will comfort me and than at times move away from me.

Says she can’t talk too much about her feelings for OW that it is something she can’t look at to closely. Final email to OW that I read, said ‘I love you but, I am going to work on my relationship and I can have no contact with you”. I feel like the “but”.

When I found out I read emails, lots of I love you, you are my soul mate, and all that stuff.

OW still attempting to contact her and her SO does not know.

I know maybe I should move to piecing but I don’t ‘feel’ that. I feel fear, fear that the other shoe is going to drop. I have read lots of advice; here are some of my questions.

1. How do I stop endless questions to her?
2. Who do I tell, only told 2 of my friends and she has told AA friends.
3. What next? How do you forgive. How do you get back together.

Thanks

You will need to stop the questioning immediuately- unless there is significant doubt w/ evidence- hard evidence that she is not being truthful.

The "paranoia and obscession" w/ the EA/PA is going to be your biggest struggle, and a sure fire way to drive her away- assuming she's doing nothing wrong for now.

You will need to post here to vent-

I'll write more later.

Another important factor is the boundary of an exclusive R and what happens if she is not honoring that.

Everything else is one step/day at a time...

Hello Ms. Wonder..

*hugs*

Welcome to the best place to be during this emotional chaos.

One very helpful book is "Not Just Friends". It's invaluable in describing the feelings and motivations of the cheated partner, the wayward partner and the other person. It also contains a framework for moving forward with reconciliation.

How do you stop endless questions to her? Focus on yourself. Go to counseling. Learn what healthy boundaries are and institute them. It takes time. For now rely on your bullsh!t meter. If something seems wrong, it probably is.

The only person responsible for their happiness is the one they see in the mirror. AA provides a framework for dealing with the disease and incredible support within the group. It's good for her that she's going back. How long was she gone?

Have you read "CoDependent No More" or gone to Al-Anon meetings? Couples often have that dynamic of one of addiction, the other with codependence. Find a support group for you.

I'd tell the friends you trust who are willing to do more than just console you.. those with life skills and experience to broach these difficult subjects. Those friends who hug you but are willing to swing a 2x4 as a reality check.

Your significant other has a support group in place with folks who will ground her in AA. It's important that you develop one for yourself. Work on you.. and the rest will follow.

*hugs*

I second Gypsy's recommendation of Not Just Friends. It was invaluable to me and BF in understanding the hows and whys of what had happened to lead up to the affair and dealing with the aftermath.

I will also add a recommendation for After the Affair as an alternate structure to follow post-affair. There are exercises designed to elicit serious thought and sharing if you have decided to stay together.

Focus on yourself, focus on the kids. Take time to do things you enjoy because you need a break from the angst and the raw emotions. Work on detachment. This is an excellent article.

IMO, the OW's SO should be told about the affair. At this point she is the only one in the dark and deserves the truth.

maynard
Yes I need to stop with the questions, so hard to do. I find I want that reassurance, often just left feeling bad. I'm going to hold myself accountable and vent on this board. No more endless questions.

Gypsy & Pearharbor
Funny, I have read both those books in the first few weeks. SO reading them too. I have found them helpful. I get stuck in my head and than want to process for her, not with her lol. “Is this why you did this?, etc.” “ I think you did this cause of this.”

GAL, I so need to do this. I feel like I have become Mom and only Mom. I need more and will start working on it.

I have started attending church again, attending al-anon, looking into BAN, went to a party, getting together with some friends.

SO stopped AA meetings after we meet. She said her life became busy and she stopped going. Not sure yet what the significance is that is stopped after we started. I am new to Al-anon and just starting to reach out to others. I feel like a lot of my attempting to manage and control has surfaced after the A.

Pearharbor
I have thought a lot about exposure to the 4th party, OW’s SO. It is so 180 from what I ever thought I would do. I don’t know them, do know they recently adopted a young child. Ugh, at first I just wanted to threaten the OW with it. Stop contacting or else. I’m so glad I did not do that. Now feel like if I expose to 4th party, it should be about telling her, giving her information she should have. I have her email but really don’t know what to do.

Thanks for all your thoughts and your time. It really helps.
Today I will not seek reassurance from SO.

I’ve been comfortable in this relationship, counting on it, taking it for granted. Knew she loved me more than anyone else. But what if that isn’t true, what if she loves someone else more. What if she is was more excited to be with the OW. How do you risk everything to have an affair?

Whatever, no questions to her today. Just here and in my head.

Reading "Not Just Friends" together, and having time each week to discuss. SO shared more last night than before, I did not ask many questions just listened more. She noticed and thanked me. Told me when it first started and OW contacted her on Face Book, the feelings for OW made her think she might not be "happy" with me. She told me she quickly realized that was not the case and that this relationship with me is what she wants.

I feel like an emotional 'mush' most the time. This affair feels like a deep rejection. Makes me think on past relationships and how I am most comfortable with illusions more than reality. Feeling beloved, the only one, on a pedestal, etc.

Wow, I don't feel very attractive right now. I always thought of myself as independent. Way to much in my head. Need to GAL, have a cold and did not run last 3 days. Kids turn 3 next week and I still have baby pounds. Family coming next week. My mom seems to know somethings up but does not ask. No one in my family will ask me directly.

Today going to the library with kids, playground, and home to do some cleaning. Al-Anon meeting this weekend, totally cried at the last one. Some part of me knows this is all going to be ok.

It's great that you're both reading the book and talking. That's what we did except we used our weekly talks to work through the ATA exercises.

You need to find time to GAL. I know it may be difficult to find time with little ones but it is of the utmost importance. You need to find that independent person inside and work on being a person you like. Schedule your me time into your week. Get a sitter or swap babysitting with a friend so each of you gets alone time.

Piecing is hard work. It's going to be difficult for a while. That's why you need to remember to be good to yourself.

pearlharbr

Did you tell 4th person of affair. I'm going to try and find your post. Finding lots of help in reading others stich.

Just scheduled a retreat weekend in April. First time away by myself since the kids born. I'm going to get some me time this weekend, running in the mornings.

Checked out OW's facebook for the 10th time. Not a good idea. I feel like I spend more time focused on OW than SO.

Kids up from nap.

There wasn't a fourth person in my sitch, OW was single. (She's a serial cheater, BF was the third married/committed man she's been involved with that I know of so not surprising she's single.)

If you're still debating whether or not to tell OW's SO, put yourself in her place. Would you want to be the only person out of the loop? This is especially important if OW is still trying to contact your SO.

I know it can be hard to let go of thoughts of OW. I decided that I wasn't going to give her any more power. She wasn't worth my thoughts/energy. I suggest blocking OW on FB to remove the temptation.

Did your SO write a no contact letter that you read, approved and sent to OW?