Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives More Drama - Question re Visitation Changes

My ex left 8.5 years ago. My drama should be finished by now - you'd think so. But with Mid Life Crisis - you just never know.

I have sole custody of our 3. Brandon was starting college when his dad left so he stayed at home and maintained a bit of contact with his dad. He is on his own now and sees him a couple of times a year.

Ashley became a teenager the week her dad left (the week of 9-11) Initially he saw her once or twice a week. Never to PARENT - just to take her out. Never spent money on her. Always gave as little $ as humanly possible. Their R has been difficult. She still tries to see him but he verbally buses her at times and cancels often and it is becoming infrequent.

Then there is Ryan. He is severely disabled and lives at home with me. I have nurse helpers but look after him at night. His father sees him every other week for an hour according to our agreement. He often cancels. I do not let him make it up if he does. If we cancel due to Ryan's illness - I do allow him to reschedule. It has always been this way except prior to our agreement - then he rarely saw him.

5 Years after signing our agreement he is angry that he can't see him when he cancels on him. He is threatenting to go to his lawyer and fight for more visitation since he thinks once or twice a month is not enough. He told my daughter that tonight. She was upset. Says "Well - he leftt - what did he think?"

Ryan has many health issues. I take care of it all. He does absolutely nothing to help with Ryan's care or financially. He often is rude to Ryan's nurses who do not like him at all. It is becoming harder to transport Ryan and even he struggles to get him into his car where all he does is drive him around for an hour. I would rather see the nurses meet him in a public place like the mall or a park in summer so he can take him for a walk in his chair.

Has anyone encountered a similar problem? Does anyone have any suggestions? Do you think he is just blowing hot air?

Barb

No one has ANYTHING to say? Wow - this used to be a place you could get some input on your questions.

Barb

from what I can tell, this particular forum isn't always the best for getting replies.

I don't have similar circumstances, but I'll toss in my opinion. if this is just something he was spouting off to your daughter, I'd let it be and ignore it until you hear something more definite either from him or--hopefully not--a lawyer. given his history, it doesn't sound like he'd go that far out of his way to push for this.

Thanks HM,

This forum was, for years, a place we discussed how to handle our divorce and divorce related problems - offering support and advice about the particulars. I was here for many years trying to help. Too bad it is not that place anymore.

I'm hoping that he probably will just spout then let it go. But with my horrific ex - you just never know.

Barb

yes, I agree. don't have a lot of support elsewhere, was hoping I could get it here but it's hit or miss.

Hey!!!

I would think that he has established a patteren of behavior that shows his unwillingness to put Ryan's well-being above his own

let him try and take it back to court

he has never wanted differently before now and he would need to show a desire that is more than just teling your daughter to have anything modified

he is a lunatic
speak in small words to him so he understands

I am sorry, I didn't see your post. I suppose, since I have begun to feel better about my life, I don't stay glued like I used to. I do try to pay it forward. Sometimes it becomes a bit much though and I have to step back.

I figure you have a lot of this documented in regards to how little time he spends with Ryan. I don't think the court looks at the quality of the time just the quantity. I would also begin to note reasons for cancelling.

I have read just bits and pieces of your story and you have my admiration. I will try to keep a better eye out for you in the future.

kat

Thanks!

Kat - no apology needed. Its just that I rarely ask for support here anymore but was surprised that no one answered at all and I was on Page 2.

I appreciate the suggestions!

Fig - I think you're right. He is just spouting and will probably do nothing. I'd love for him to take it back to court on his dime. I think he'd lose half of what he has. He most definitely has a pattern of behaviour. In fact - hardly any of Ryan's nurses want anything to do with him.

UGH - I hate that it continues and with Ryan will continue the rest of his life.

Barb

Hi Barb -

It is sad when a father like your X just becomes a Disney type dad instead of a proper parent. I agree with Fig who has experience with his type.

You might want to follow along in Startingover2's thread as she has a similar dead beat dad that she has to deal with.

Barb, I read last night but needed to get to bed so I figured I'd answer today. I don't always get responses either, but I hang around and chime in occasionally!.
I think you are probably your own best resource! You know your X better than anyone. Do you think he would really do anything, or is he just puffing up his chest and trying to intimidate you so he can get his way? If he does try to pursue this legally, I would think that the precedent has been set. And when you factor in Ryan's disabilities and your X never having really been a caregiver to Ryan, I think you will come out ok. Does his visitation have any effect on support paid? My X always says he wants more time with the kids (while not actually spending all of his allotted time with them) and I know the heart of it is that if he had more time he would pay less support. Does this factor into your X's sudden desire?