My son has the "Dangerous Book for Boys", but I dont think he has read it yet. He is good at memorizing and reciting poems, so I think I will mention it to him.
You've been beaten enough for a day. So I'll try not too, but ...
Seriously, I raised two Eagle Scouts without being one. I had experiences I'd never have had if I weren't living with them - or very close by. Few boys do that without dad camping in the heat, cold, and rain with them all year. "If dad doesn't want to do it, maybe it isn't important enough for me to do it" Is it important to be an Eagle Scout? Maybe not. It is important to succeed in a favorite sport or hobby while your Dad is watching. They want their Dad to by their side and their Mom honestly wants that for them too. You want as much of that as you can get.
Your dad was raised by a grandad who didn't say I love you, or show it. It had to be 'understood'. So your dad did learn how, and couldn't teach you. We know you'll be the dad that can because you ask the right questions and then listen to understand. Many of our dads would now be thought to have NPDisorders. What they didn't know hurt us and their M relations, even if they stayed together. We have to learn to change these things in our generation, and our kids generation for their sake if not ours.
First page of chapter one Men From Mars ~ Women From Venus starts by talking to the men. Why? Why start out talking to the men in a book sold mostly to women? Women wish their man would read it. But they buy it to learn why we're broken and how to fix us; or at least tolerate and compensate for our inabilities. Chapter one explains our dads and grandads were from depression and post-depression years when they only had to be good providers. That was their job. It was Mom's job to show affection and run the house. I bought my grown sons a copy of Mars~Venus and apologized for not knowing how to teach them so much that is in the book. I apologized for harm I may have caused their parents M. I've given Michele's CDs to a couple who restored their M. We can all learn and grow if we want to.
I wasn't a skilled doctor. I was a workaholic who managed to change and spend time with my young sons. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm fortunate I didn't have to decide between them and a major med career. You really are in a lousy situation and I don't want to discount your investment in cardio. Some dads worked their career tail off and rarely saw their family right up until Wall Street crashed and they lost their homes. Does your work steal family time? If you and your W get back together where you belong, will you be there for her at the end of her tough day? Will you be able to help make dinner and chat about distractions from work? Will you teach your sons how to be that kind of man?
Ask the ladies what attracts them. After they notice your awsome good looks and cologne or car, do they wonder whether you can give them affection, provide security, and ... be a good father to their kids? Deciding how you can be a caring affectionate provider and father to your sons is up to you. She will see you choose, but don't decide on her account. You can be #1 dad with or without her. If she chooses another path you'll still be #1 to your sons. My sons know my M failed - and that I was always right there for them, and always will be.
Just finished reading the entire thread...wow You have been nailed and hammered...BUT you deserved it...
What I see is what is very common in highly successful men/women (i.e. doctors, lawyers, etc.), though not all, is that they have a certain set of ideals... the wife, the 2 kids, the dog, the cat, the house with the white picket fence...gotta have those THINGS to be counted as successful...to complete the picture
Now you are being faced with losing those THINGS...are you going to value and cherish them now? Why now and not before? Why did it take so long to wish you could be there for your childs first tooth to fall out? Is it the family you miss or the idea of your family leaving you and somehow making you look less successful?
Bradley...there is always hope...even for you...BUT you have to do as others have advised...you have to own your mistakes...correct your course...and move forward with your best foot...and most of all you have to WANT it with all your heart...
As you can see most of us would not have any problem with your "choice"...my H left us for nearly 2 years with very little contact...he said I prevented him from seeing our son...yet it was me that was leaving messages about school plays, special events, etc...he never replied...he was busy trying to be successful and felt he had already failed us...my son started to pretend he didn't have a dad...how sad is that? Do you want your son's to pretend you don't exist?
We could tell you story after story about the father who chose his career, his new wife, whatever...over his children...but the bottom line is you have to really, really, really want this with all your heart (being a cardiac surgeon you should know this organ well)...because anything less won't be enough for your children...and it won't be enough for a marriage...even a second, third, or fourth...because until you get it right you will continue to repeat the problem.
Hey Doc, You've got a lot to contemplate and figure out. Lots of opinions, mostly in unison.
Here's just some questions-for you to answer for yourself that might(hopeully) help you figure out which direction you want to head...
What is our best childhood memory and why? What is or worst?
Why did you become a doctor? Then why specialize in cardiac surgery? When you were in med school, residency..how did you picture your future...why that future?
Why did you marry your wife? How did you see your future with her? When the boys were born, what hopes did you have for them? Where do you fit in making those hopes come true?
My thoughts..Cardiology is one of those revered specialties in medicine because you literally save lives. The cardiac meds are complex, the things that go wrong with hearts can be very complex..its a tough field which commands respect and sometimes adoration from patients and other medical personnel. YOU are in charge in that bubble. YOU run the show.
If you are used to that arena, then its really uncomfortable to feel like you have NO control(even though you do have quite a bit) in your 'everyday' world. Its scary to feel that. Its easy to get in a self-preservation mode when that uncomfortableness persists, but it may not be the best or only way to become more comfortable and at-ease.
The lessons are there. To be humble, to let others share in the control, to not be the Lead man...to put others first. To love yourself without other's adoration..To be fully present in the lives of your family when that wasn't the model you grew up with. There are so many things you could learn from this and you don't have to change everything to do it-it all starts with a decision of how you are going to see the world, how you are going to treat people, how you are going to think and speak in the world. What energy you put out there.
Its pretty exciting to see all the possibilities...
Reading a good book that Walking mentionned in a post: Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. Worth checking out I think..definitely not typical 'western medicine' thinking..good food for thought!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
What is our best childhood memory and why? What is or worst?
Why did you become a doctor? Then why specialize in cardiac surgery? When you were in med school, residency..how did you picture your future...why that future?
Why did you marry your wife? How did you see your future with her? When the boys were born, what hopes did you have for them? Where do you fit in making those hopes come true?
Best childhood memories are winning the junior olympics, going to junior world championships. worst... when I was 19 I guess if that counts my mother died.
I became a doctor because I enjoyed the science, taking care of people, using my brain that way. I did cardiac surgery because of the challenge, the physiology, the anatomy, and the operations...
I married my wife because I thought she was my soul mate. I fell in love with her at first sight...I saw my entire life with her. I wanted a family with her. the boys... I fit in that I was doing the training to get us to a place where we could have a life... so I could have a job to suppport us... perhaps wanting a certain lifestyle. now that does not matter any more-- the lifestyle.
The honesty... well that is because of this place and my journey.
My journey has taught me to be real. To be true to me. To look inside, in the mirror, and not be afraid of it. Honest, with myself first, then it is easy to be honest with others.
A wise friend recently told me that he sees and likes that I live in the moment. I love with no shields or barriers.
That…
was one of the highest compliments I could ever receive.
Thank you, my friend who said that, I’m learning…
I can’t say that I always did that. Not in even the slightest way.
We can all change for the better if we want to.
And Bill is right, we will walk with you…
The advice...JMO.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
