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CC -
I know exactly what you mean:

Now, I'm finally getting more used to be being with me...alone.
However, it does help me break away from feeling dependent on others for my own happiness...and keeps me from going totally insane in a very quiet house each night.

I feel those same things. I'm anxious for the weather to improve here as well. I live in MN. I try to stay busy...keep my mind occupied. I too am learning to be happy on my own, stand on my own two feet. This is a very different life. Very different. One I have never known.

Hey CC,
Just wanted to encourage you that you sound like you are finding your way through this in an amazing way! I hear you that you don't feel very strong, but your thought processes and your choices show an inner strength and integrity that will be (and already is) such a good role model for your son.
It's a journey you didn't want and didn't choose, but you are finding your way through it, growing as a person and setting the stage for good things to come your way in the future.

Journaling:

Feeling really rotten tonight. I'm doing a completely lousy job of flushing the toxins from my life. On Saturday, after finishing the co-parenting seminar with W, she begged off having S7 spend the night with the promise that she would spend time with him on Sunday. It had been exactly 2 weeks Sunday since she had seen or even spoken to S7. She said that she was starting feel much more comfortable and closer to me because of the time/feelings we shared at the seminar. She said that she was interested in spending more time with me and wanted to be more present in S7's life as well. She called around 10pm Saturday night to confirm her plans. She was going to come over to my house around 10am and spend the day with S7 and me as a family. Eat lunch together, do some laundry, help me work on S7's room, etc. Instead, she ended up sleeping in until noon, called to say she needed to get a shower and would be over after that, then procrastinating until 5:45pm before she showed up. Once here, she spent 20 minutes sitting at the table eating (S7 and I had already finished a hour before) and chatting with us. That was about the extent of the time she spent with S7.

After excusing herself to smoke in the garage, she came back inside and pulled out her computer and proceeded to sit in my bedroom and websurf for a couple of hours (she doesn't have internet access at her place, and she was catching up on some of the new art posted on Deviant Art). I finished my laundry and let her get hers started, I got S7 bathed, worked on some homework with him and got him off to bed. She didn't even get up and kiss him goodnight...just told him goodnight from where she was sitting in the room next door. This just broke my heart, but I bit my tongue to avoid starting a fight or cause tension.

Once S7 was asleep, I sat next to her and visited, watching some TV together while she surfed. We kept the chat mostly light. However, at one point, in response to something on TV, I mentioned how having sex only once in 4 months was killing me. She responded VERY strongly that we were not going to discuss our sex lives. The way she reacted made me instantly realize that she is still having sex with OM. She tried to pass it off that she didn't want to feel guilty (for not having sex with me). She says if it happens, it happens, but that she wasn't going to be pressured. But it was obvious that she didn't want me asking her about it, because she feels guilty.

Multiple times, up until a couple of weeks ago, she had mentioned that she hasn't had sex with anyone since the late night she came over on Jan 5th. (I apologize for not being forthcoming at the time, but yes, we did ML that night). It hasn't happened again since then, but I acknowledge that it has played a big part in my backwards progress over the past 30+ days. She had even talked about how nice it was to reconnect with her "best friend and lover" and had discussed with me that she'd be interested in sleeping over again. Now, she suddenly and adamantly doesn't want to discuss sex at all. She told me she didn't want to hear about my "banging sex life or lack thereof", and she didn't want to talk about her sex life or lack thereof.

A fairly uncomfortable silence fell across the room until about 10pm...less than an hour after S7 went to sleep. W started yawning and said she better get home and get some sleep, before it was dangerous for her to drive home (whatever. She lives 1 mile down the street from my house). I see her out, she hugs/kisses me and tells me she's going straight home and to bed. However, at 1:45am Monday morning, she calls me. When I answered (in my sleep), no one was there. I called back. She didn't answer. I texted her and asked if she wanted something...no response. Haven't texted or spoken to her since. Obviously another case of mis-dialing my number instead of someone else...another twist of the knife in my heart.

I realize that I have made a huge mistake letting her come over on Sunday, thinking that I was anywhere close to being ready to be friends. I just can't do it. I don't want to be "just her friend". I want to be her husband. I've never been overly-possessive, but I'm insanely jealous of the fact that some 28yo tattooed/pierced loser is banging my wife before our divorce is even final...and even more pissed off that multiple people have been banging my wife for years before I even filed for divorce. The intimate, loving, and special experiences that she once shared with only me has being given out like lollipops at the bank drive-thru. I'm having such a hard time accepting and dealing with this fact.

I'm disgusted with her, but even more disgusted with myself for not being totally repulsed by her. I want so bad to be indifferent towards her, to not still want to touch her and hold her and ML to her. I want to be able to look at her and feel NOTHING...no attraction, no sadness, no affection, no anger...no love. Instead, once glance in her eyes and I'm lost like I was 15 years ago when I met her. One touch and my lovesick mind forgets all the deceit and adultery...for a moment, anyway. I can't allow her to have that kind of power over me.

I'm trying so hard to live in the present, and leave the past behind, but right now I'm totally obsessing over each and every guy she cheated on me with...remembering back to those different time-frames in my mind and realizing how badly I was played in every one of the circumstances (and still being played). Also, knowing that what she's actually admitting/confessing to is probably only the (reservoir) tip of the iceberg...it just makes things that much more difficult.

Apparently, I'm one of those people who need to be repeatedly kicked in the nuts before I decide to finally take them back. This is ridiculous! It's been more than 6 months since the bomb and still I'm worse than a beaten dog that keeps coming back for a pat on the head. All I want is her love/approval, but the basic facts are right there in my face:

1. She does not want me as a husband anymore.
2. She's not interested in working on our M/R or stopping the D.
3. She's not interested in being a mom to S7.
4. She's enjoying her freedom to have PA with whoever she wants.
5. She's wants me to continue to provide financial aid.
6. She wants me to be her "friend" when she's emotionally low.
7. She's incredibly talented with her ability to manipulate me.

I am going to my first IC appointment tomorrow morning, and it's not a moment too soon. I really need some guidance and assistance for coping with these irrational emotions and accepting reality for what it is. This is absolutely necessary for the health and well-being of myself and S7.

CC just a quick note on your last journal entry:

1. If she doesn't want you as an H you have to get it in your head that you cannot be her gay BFF either.

3. If she's not interested in being a mother you cannot force her. She will have her regrets later. STOP FORCING and BEGGING her to see S7. That's up to her -- and you know she is mentally unstable as it is.

4. She was "enjoying her freedom" for the past 3 years, why should that change now?

5. Cut off the financial aid. That stays in the family -- which is you and S7 now. You don't owe her anything. Wake up.

6. She is using you as a crutch and to fill in the gap where her lovers fall short. Stop.

7. If she's so good at manipulating you and you are too weak to resist then avoid her at all costs.

It's one thing to KNOW what you need to do and another to DO IT. Every time that you don't do what you know you need to do, it knocks your self-esteem lower until all that is left is a spineless zombie. Start doing what you know you have to do before that happens.

One more thing... you need to get laid ASAP. Go and get laid so that little "spell" she casts over you is broken. Once you see that another woman can desire you and want you it will remove the power she has over you. You are divorcing. Your M was over a long time ago. All you're waiting for is the legal paperwork.

And if you have still have doubts that you have done the right thing... remove them. Your good mental health is essential for you to raise S7.

Nice, G... real nice...

Bring that advice over to my thread!




CC - What G says is very true... You can't force her to mother. Fortunately AND unfortunately, you will need to be father enough for both of S7's parents right now. Trust me, there's enough of you. I've read your heart!

HUGS

I agree with almost everything you responded to here. But I just want to clarify that I haven't forced or begged her to see S7. I had the original temporary orders modified at her request for more frequent visitation and I have made him available to her for all these visits. She hasn't taken advantage of the visitation rights very much, but I have left it her choice if she wants to spend time with him with no pressure or guilt from me.

I understand that I can't force her to be a Mother. She is mentally unstable, and I don't believe she is any more capable of that than she's capable of being a wife. Both roles demand too much intimacy, which she pushes away from. I have stepped up and filled the roles of both mother and father, and I will continue to do so.


I agree that this would go a long way in breaking her "spell" over me. The reason I haven't is multi-faceted. First, despite the fact that our marriage is over, we are not yet divorced and I still feel a commitment to not break that vow until it's final. Second, I'm probably taking a moral high road here...as a way to feel above all the adultery she committed that has hurt me so badly. Third, my options are somewhat limited currently, with XW1 being the most willing candidate, but I don't want to open up that door with someone who is emotionally attached. I'm keeping my eyes open, though. I know that after my last divorce, being desired by another woman went a long way to helping my fractured ego. This time, the ego is completely shattered, so I'm treading carefully.

That CC is one of the wisest things you have said on your thread. I'm glad you've grown since you raised that question a while ago.


You are right on your conclusion that you do not need another relationship until you get yourself "straight". It's good to see you learning from your mistakes.

I respect your decision to keep to your vows. If that is not an option for you... what better way to stroke your ego than to put yourself out there and circulate. You don't need to do the dirty deed.

Sometimes just the knowledge that a girl wants to jump you can do wonders for your ego. Look at robx as an example. He discovered that if you turn down a woman's offer it had them pursuing more...

Journaling:

Reader's Digest version of past few days.

Started IC last Thursday. First time, ever. Surprisingly easy to talk to. Grasped my sitch pretty quickly and gave some pretty good analogies and some sound advice. Will continue to work with him. Seeing him next week.

XW1 is still in hot pursuit. XW1 lives in another state. On Thursday, she drives 2 hours to come down and take my dog to the vet for me. She also shows up with comfort food (big roast). After work, S7 and I go with her to steakhouse for dinner. She buys, in celebration of me getting permanent position at work. She hangs out for several hours after S7 goes to bed, talking. She understands that I'm not ready for a relationship, but she's also going to do everything she can to build me back up as quickly as possible and be first in line when I'm better. Scares the hell out of me, and I'm going to discourage the visits for a while and put some space between us.

After not speaking to STBXW all week, she texts me early on Friday to ask if she could pick up S7 after work (7:30pm) to spend the night for the weekend. I was happy for her to be interested in spending time with him, particularly starting on a night when roommate's daughter wasn't going to be there.

I went out last night and watched a friend's band play. Hung out at the "band family" table. Met a platonic female friend there and we spent some time chatting. Tonight, heading over to a buddy's house and playing some guitar.

Very strange to have two nights in a row free. I miss my son, but I'm glad he's getting to spend a bit more time with his mom.

It's been a tough week so far. Saw STBXW on Friday night when she came to pick up S7 and again briefly on Sunday when I picked him up. Been completely dark otherwise. Still missing her terribly. IC tomorrow.

Hi CC,

I haven't had a chance to check in for a while. I'm glad your IC is going well.

I really think RockedWorld gave you a great post. You do show a lot of strength.