MSH, Thanks for the thoughts. I agree with everything.
Great, if I could just get my W to do this life would be perfect!!! Gotta laugh...it works
However, to be honest, right now I do not care if I look bad (in her eyes). I just need to shut down the R, and give myself as much space as possible.
I think giving yourself space is good, unfortunately the R will always be there b/c of the kids. The R needs to change so that it is healthy for you and the kids moving forward.
I feel like I have put up with enough. She has really shown her true colors and it is someone I do not want to be around, at all! I have not been mean but very distance.
This is the anger talking and it is okay to have that anger and experience it. Make sure the distance you put in place is for you and not retaliatory towards her, if it is you need to go back and deal with the anger. When you are limiting contact she will preceive it as anger undoubtedly and she may inquire. If she asks I think you can tell her calmly how you feel and that she has hurt you and close contact with her causes more pain.
I have to think long term so I do not damage our ability to work together and raise the kids (although she has already disregarded me in this matter) but I also need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and stand up for what I beleive in. What she has done is very wrong and I am not going to pretend anymore like it is not.
Being distant or going dark for you is great for you and if she asks or if you want to tell her why you will be limiting contact that would be great. Telling her or writing a letter will prevent the damage you mention above b/c she will then know why. Your communication would be open, clear and honest. If on the otherhand you are doing this out of anger b/c what she did is "wrong" then you might as well go in with both barrels blasting and let her have it!!! We both know where that would get you and as you said you do not want to damage the ability to work together to raise the kids.
I think you need to find a way to "look in the mirror" and respect yourself for choosing the higher road by not "acting" out of anger. Here comes the "WOOD" sorry; You are still judging her and it sounds like you want to "Let her know" by your actions. Whether she views what she has done as "very wrong" or not is not the matter, she is WRONG, anyone else with half a brain would view it as WRONG, and certainly everyone here knows she is WRONG. By interacting with her you might feel that you are condoning her actions or compromising your principles, and that somehow she has gotten away with something. I think DBing is about dealing with those feelings before we re-engage with our spouses whether we are D or not.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Thanks again MSH for the input. It is true, I am angry-more so than I have ever been during this two year road I have traveled. I am also being very judgmental..hard not to do in my sitch IMHO. My emotions are very raw right now and this is one of the reasons why I need to stay away from her. She knows exactly how I feel about things, although she does not understand it.
I have taken the high road all of this time and yet, I continue to get my emotions trounced on. I do not want to be associated with someone like this, it is that simple. I need a cooling off period...
A guy from my hometown has written a book, "The Me I Want To Be." I think I'm going to pick it up. I was reading lots of relationship books when I first moved out. They were good, but then I'd get down because I didn't have anyone to use them on.
This book focuses a lot on your thoughts. How to fill your brain with the right thoughts and focus on those.
This last week I was really, really, really angry at W on Monday and Wednesday.
I don't want to be friends with her, but I also don't want to be bitter. I want to be better.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Off to Dallas this morning; will not have to see the W until sat. Should give me some time to reflect about my new "going dark" sitch and get my negative feelings under control.
Everyone have a good week.
C-Bart, drop me a note on the alt if you are avaialable this coming weekend.
I am in the same boat as you on this issue. I must go dark as much as my situation will allow for my own sake. This whole mess would be infinitely easier if young children were not involved. I would probably just wash my hands of the W and be done with it. I say that knowing that it would take a true miracle to salvage the R at this point.
Like you going dark will have zero impact on my W and that is okay for me. It will, however, hopefully allow me the necessary time to distill off as much of my anger as is possible so that I might be able to engage my X comfortably in the future. God knows I am nowhere near that now and might not be for possibly years. The sooner I get there the better though.
My guess is my anger and disgust for my W will likely increase as D day gets closer and than it will hopefully begin to decline gradually once it is final.
M48/W47 M15/T22 S3 D3 In House Separation 10/06/09 W files for D 10/16/09 OM1 discovered 10/28/09 (PA) OM2 in mix early Jan. W moved out 1/26/10 In Mediation (Settlement in prep)
Nik, Dallas was good...just got back. Thanks for asking.
CLV, I have been thinking a lot about this "going dark" thing. You are right, without kids, this approach it is a no brainer. With kids, the issue is much more complex. We have to find a way to go dark to protect our emotions but in a way that is not harmful to the kids. Thus we still need to be civil.
My W knows I am not happy with her right now because of how she has handled certain situations, especially as they relate to the kids. I have lost respect for her, and have even more resentment towards her. However, I get to spend a ton of time with my amazing children. I do not want to do anything that will hurt them or that situation. By negatively reacting to my W and her terrible actions, I would be doing just that to the kids. I am better than that.
I do not think I am going to completely turn off the light, just turn down the dimmer...
I do not think I am going to completely turn off the light, just turn down the dimmer...
Sorry I did not respond to your question earlier but you seem to be getting the idea.
I think the path that you are on is correct. Certainly you can do nothing to harm your children. However as far as your W is concerned you can go as dark as possible. This might just be that if she is in one room you go to another. Try to keep any interactions that you do have as light and friendly as possible.
I sent you a friend request in the alt I think. If you need to ask anything else I will try to drop in on your thread a little more.
