Upside, If it will help you, I had the SAME struggle with patience..it is one of the biggest factors in MLC..mainly because they are SO slow..and you just want to get on with it, LOL!!
But, as a wise one once told me..to learn what you have to learn, patience brings forth fruit..and you can never have enough.
As I backed out of his drama, detaching and distancing..it was easier for me.
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Still no talk of my H moving home however he is continuing to spend more time here. In comparison, he probably spent more time here on the weekend than he ever has however he seems to wake up early and is anxious and has to leave. I have trouble figuring that one out. We did have a very short R talk the other night but I didn't push anything. During the conversation he did refer to the master bedroom as "our room" and for some reason that felt like progress to me...silly huh!
No, that IS progress, he's coming ever SO slowly toward you, is what I see. You have to realize he IS coming forward, though still afraid and questioning himself. Continue to let him come to you, when he wants to talk. And watch for the little things like you're seeing..they are encouraging.
He is currently trying to figure out within himself if this is the right thing for HIM to continue to make his way forward toward you...never mind what you know..it's his decision.
He wakes up early and anxious to leave, as fear is still within him. It was said to create as much of safe environment as we could with no pressure..yet, they are still full of fear and apprehension; moving back and forth as they get ready to go through another stage of this.
It seems to be little progress, but progress, nonetheless.
I'd say you're doing fine; keep it up.
I apologize for disappearing and reappearing...I'm on the road; posting as I have time to do so.
Hang in there, Upside, you're doing fine.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I know we are not suppose to speculate where in the process are MLC'ers are but could I ask if you think that Upsides's H is in the acceptance phase?
OP, this is my take on Upside's situation; I honestly had to ask for guidance as I am unable on my own to tell where a person is in this unless I'm shown by God:
Upside's husband appears to be coming out of Withdrawal; and he's coming more slowly than he has each time he's attempted to come out. They have been at this place in his journey many times, and because of one or the other...he ran back in, but each time it was not as far, but time was added on for the running; don't ask me why that is..it just works that way.
When she went dark for a month, it actually let him know he couldn't play this anymore and shortened his run back within this stage and if I'm not mistaken he admitted that this was causing problems. As he comes forward, more and more, she will see him go through the disintegration of personality, and the children of his issues will appear, but their reconnection will become nearly total before this happens. The reconnection between must be strong enough to withstand the appearance of the "children", as this will be an emotional time for both husband and wife. Through that part of the journey the connection between the two will complete itself, as the sharing will bring them together once again..the two will become one, totally and literally.
I'm sorry, OP, I'm not getting anymore on Upside's husband...I think this is enough for now, anyway.. too much, and it will overload her. That doesn't mean that he won't be served with an ultimatum just that one time..she may have to do this more than the once, to keep bringing him firmly forward into the light. She is doing well, strong in confidence, has gotten all she's supposed to get in relation to her and her husband's situation..and she's almost ready to begin the journey forward with him to wholeness of their marriage. Understandably, there are some doubts within her heart at times, but those will be worked through as her husband continues to come forward. She is a strong, well balanced lady, who's learned her lessons well..and feels the need to help others with the wisdom she's learned from this thus far...and there's more to learn.
You asked about Upside's husband, not her, LOL..but I was getting things on her, too..I think it's because she's there, too, and involved in his journey..as she always has been.
Hope this helps.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
D - I think referring to the masterbedroom as "our room" is huge. That means he can see it, and it is a possible for him to return----stay patient, and positive!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Hi all- I'm a little frustrated at the moment. I have been trying to be pretty detached w/PMA and all that but apparently that isn't enough. My H in the last couple of weeks has been coming around however the last few days has been strange. My H was spending more time here but he has had things that have kept him busy in the last few days which I can understand...it is just the attitude that is making me crazy!
My H called me last night on his way home...I think he had been drinking and he told me he loves me. He followed it with "Are you shocked?" That is nice but why can't he say it to my face? Arrghh!!!
My H called me tonight to say he wants to meet up at my D's championship game tomorrow night and asked if that was okay. I told him not really/ Last night he had lead me to believe that he would be with me tonight so I was a little annoyed. He showed up to where I was at and stayed for a little bit but then had to leave. He made some comment about going to trial and how I don't understand. How about some understanding on his side?
I love my H but I don't need this. I am at the point where either he wants to work it out or he doesn't...I not sitting on pins and needles waiting for the outcome...but whatever it is, HE is going to have to make the effort and I'm just not sure he has that in him.
I think your expectations are far too great! I think everything you wrote that your H is making steps toward you and I understand it is not fast enough for you but he is moving towards you!
What did you say when he said "143"? and
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"Are you shocked?"
There is nothing wrong with keeping your distance and let him pursue you but keep your expectations down. What did you think of what HB wrote?
I have to agree with OP that your expectations are too high.
Perhaphs he said "I love you" on the phone b/c he has his own anxiety. A comment like "No, I'm not shocked. Thank you, that means so very much to me" might have given a good message.
I know that you want understanding on his side. If that's what I'm looking for, I tend to double my efforts at being understanding or asking for clarification ie: "maybe I don't understand what it's like for you, would you share that with me?"
I know you've been at this a long time. I know how it is to feel like they have to "show" their intent. I may be way off base. Just a different perspective.
I can remember going through that same thing when my husband was moving forward, and he was slow, too....two steps forward, three back..and it was frustrating because my expectations were TOO high! LOL!!
And so are YOURS at this point in time. It can make you crazy, though if you let it.
Looks to me like things are coming along; it's YOU who is impatient.
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My H called me last night on his way home...I think he had been drinking and he told me he loves me. He followed it with "Are you shocked?" That is nice but why can't he say it to my face? Arrghh!!!
At least he SAID it, Upside, and that is all that matters right now. You will get that to your face, given time. Take what you can get for now, and please, be PATIENT with him; you don't want him running away again, and starting this all over again.
Continue to detach from his drama, and don't let it get to you so much. He really does appear to be coming right along nicely, although not fast enough for you.
Stop taking him so personally, and just let these moments/times happen as they will.
It is exciting to see them coming through, frustrating when they don't move fast enough to suit us.
But times such as these continue to increase patience.
You're getting movement toward you, and that's a good sign.
From what I can see, he's pursuing you some, as he's keeping up the phone calls; staying in touch, and coming around more.
Little by little he appears to be coming back toward you.
Please try to be understanding, this is hard for him, too.
Don't expect him to understand you, not yet..but it will happen; just NOT NOW.
Keep us posted.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Upside, Please be patient a while longer. If you recall, I mentioned that this part of the journey is the hardest one of all...you see him inching his way towards you and yet he's still so far away. He's inching in the right direction and you have to remember....he's in a slower time zone than you are. He is calling you and flirting w/you a bit. The I love you is very huge for him....it's a step in the right direction and he knows that deep down you are there w/the candle in the window, guiding him home. Do not snuff the candle by being impatient.
Give him ample space and space....he needs to finish up his journey. Please keep your expectations at zero at all times.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
How about some understanding on his side? 