Oh Sandi, thank you for those words.. I realise my emotions get the best of me, and you saying that it took years for her to get her and now because I am the one being rejected I want to fix things now.. I get that and understand. I need to have patience.
The OM is married, and works with her.
I cam home last night after spending the day with my mom and the kids and she advised that she is not going to be moving out that she feels her place is here. She indicated that we should consider selling. I told her that its important for the kids remain in the same school. I told her I dont want to sell before that and I said I may not sell as I gave her the option either buy me out or I buy her out. The conversation was very amicable. She came back into our bed last night. Her excuse was that she needed the alarm that we have in our room to wake her up to go to work.. lol!!!... I dont know what to make of that.
We did talk R talk yesterday. We had a few laughs actually and the night ended pretty good in my books. At the end, she made sure to remind me that "maybe it would be good to be away from each other for awhile".. She is just like her father, VERY STUBBORN!..
I have to get better and DBing..detaching.. and working on me. I really love the comments etc from this board. It definately has helped me to see me and what I am doing..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
She came back into our bed last night. Her excuse was that she needed the alarm that we have in our room to wake her up to go to work.. lol!!!... I dont know what to make of that.
I wouldn't make anything of that. She probably just wanted to sleep in her own bed, and have her alarm.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Now this is what I think about when I read how LBH's are so short with patience and want everything fixed in a short time......what if she had walked out or threaten D the first time you had not come to her defense or one of the other complaints she had about you? It took her years of being rejected by you, and yet how long have you been able to hang in here when "you" were the one rejected? This is not to beat you up but to point out to you that if you feel she really is valuable enough, then you won't be so fast to give up on her.
Thank you so much for this Sandi. I haven't posted my situation, but have been reading and hoping. This is exactly how I feel as a want to be WAW. Please listen to her on this. She is so very right on this.
Lotus, I tried to find your thread but do not see one. The posts I have read from you sound like you were the LBS. If you could give me the post that tells your story, I would like to read it.
Sandi thanks for that long post as well. I tried to say the same thing a few pages back.
The main problem I see with cesco right now is that he did not truly try the tough love path. The only path I can see is reaction based on fear. Which I can understand as I experienced it myself.
Which I believe that some of you ladies do not fully understand. A man needs to rebuild his self esteem if he wants to change. With no self esteem he does everything for someone else. All re-actions. No purpose or path. Our goal is to isolate man, either physically or mentally so he has a chance to start building some self esteem. A man needs to have some confidence in himself if he is to show his strength as a husband, father and person.
When he reaches this point where he has a little confidence in himself. He begins to deploy tough love. He formulates a plan and acts.
A man needs not to say many words, but a man must act. Words can be used against him and can chisel away at his self esteem. Which is near non-existent. Actions build self esteem. Self esteem builds respect. Respect builds love. If respect fails to build love it builds respect. A man must respect himself first. Before he can gain respect as a husband or father.
I also find it interesting that validating becomes hand picked. His wife is stating that she wants the marriage to be over. House sold. Family broken up. She wants another man. Should this not be validated first ? Then the man can begin to work on what the real problem's are in the relationship. Buying flowers is not going to change years of miscommunication between the two of them. This is as much her fault as his. But stopping and listening to what she says when he is at a point that he has enough self esteem to not take it personal and deploy passive aggressive behaviours will begin to change the years of miscommunication. For he will begin to listen and filter what is BS and what he owns. Then he can begin to 180 what he owns. And stand up to the BS.
The goal is to co-operate not compromise. Stand firm on boundaries. Act not talk in a manor that is civil and shows grace.
That is what we are saying when we say MAN UP.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Hey Sandi and Cutter, you are 100% right, I have not done the tough love part.. I am still learning. I am thinking I did but mostly reacting.
I have not been able to confirm 100% if there is OM or not. She is very good at deleting everything and me not seeing anything. If I could confirm I would be right there and letting OM know. When I talk to W about the OM she tells me there is nothing. She goes on to say that if it would make me feel better to contact him to do so. In my mind right now I tell myself over and over that my M is infact over. I need to start to take care of me. I should be the top priority. Cutter, I like the co-operate not compromise, stand firm and most importantly to Act, and not talk. Thats the one that I have to overcome..
Going furthur, we did agree ( on Friday ) that splitting accounts etc is something we should do anyway. I beleive this will still deliver the message that I am planning to move on with or without you. I dont want this to come across as controlling or anything like that and I assume you all think this is a step that I should take. Protect myself I guess..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
