Hello to all. After being sick and having a busy time at work I was settling for a calm and quite weekend. I guess it wasn't to be. I am probably just down, but my mind is going into a forbiden territory... one where I wonder if maybe this over 20 years haven't been a mistake. Maybe our marriage wasn't to be after all. Maybe fighting for this marriage wasn't what I should have done. Hopefully I will wake up in a while and keep this as one more nightmare or something, but right now I am hurt, discouraged and mad! ANd I decided it was better to post here, than to open my mouth and say something that I might regret later.
You see, one of the things I've noticed in Rui after his affairs - and I think I mentioned them here, was a change into someone easily irritated, someone that explodes easily, and usually without a strong reason to do so. ANother one, was the fact that he seemed to star to use the "invisible" threat of him leaving to force me to shut up or just do something I wasn't planning on doing in the first place. I do not appreciate this, and I don't even feel he has the right to do so! a few times when frustrated at something ( usually loosing control over something ) he would say something like " if this keeps like this, then I ...." the blank is to be filled with "will leave" although he leaves it blank because, the way I'm looking at it now, it's not really what he means to do, it's only meant to make me react. ANd sometimes I fall for it. Him leaving this family is something that is painful and affects me.
HOw did this all start? Well, Kat is a teenager now. She's starting to try to gain some independence and be like her friends - like all teenagers do. Before she moved tothis new school I used to know all her friends. They used to come over often and sometimes sleep over. That cerated a certain bond, and since I knew them, I would let her sometimes go out to the park with them and things like that. Now she moved and although she does have friends, she's coming with the attitude that we - parents - are something to hide in the closet LOL that's normal too. HOwever then when she asks me to go somwhere with them, I tend not to let her. I would like to meet them first. Know who they are before. This usualy comes as a stalemate, cuzz she wants to pretend that she can do whatever she wants and having to show her friends at home is not cool. Often I have reminded her that if she wants to be with her friends, she can invite them over. Sometimes it becomes a stalemate, she doesn't bring them over, I don't let her go to the park with them. It was with that in mind, that when she asked me to have 2 of her friends for a sleepover, I agreed. Iknow she hasn't been at her best lately. Her room was messy for 2 weeks and she wasn't doing anything on it. But I usually tend to choose my battles, and it felt that it was a good thing to allow her to have her friends. First she would clean her room and secondly she would loose a bit of the thing about having friends meet us not being cool. I heard her talking about it to her father, and I could swear she asked about the sleepover. But I wonder if he was in one of those I'm hearing but not listening things since he was watching some program on tv.
ANyway, just before lunch the mother called me to make sure it was ok for her daughters to sleep over and explained they had to go to visit her mother in law that has cancer and it usually isn't a very pleasant thing for the girls so she appreciated them being able to stay here. I assured her that it was ok and she said she would drop them off later in the afternoon. IT seemed fine enough. However later on Kat was talking to dad and mentioned the sleep over and he flipped his lid!!!! That he didn't know it was a sleepover, thought it was only coming over for the day. That she didn't tell him - I still can swear she did! - And no he didn't allow it!!!!! SHe had to call back and tell them that they couldn't come. This in a very loud voice and with an irritation that was undue. ON top of everything it's not like we have something planned for this weekend or anything.He was over-rulling me right in front of the kids, something I never do, even if I don't agree with something he does or decides in relation to them. ANd I never did it, but had to keep my ground this time. I had already talked to the mom and arrange everything, there's no way I was going to make her cancel it. ANd specialy not for a temper tantrum on his part!!! SO I had to tell him "I"m sorry but it's already arranged and I"m not cancelling it or letting kat do it." SO he came with a "If they come, I go!" he didn't mean go forever, still I didn't appreciate his trying to manipulate me in order to regain control of the situation. But Iwas able to not say anything rash. I opted for not answering and just reassure kat that they are still coming.
I understand he is upset for her not to clean up her room, I am also upset even more because for some days she has been coming home a bit later than what we tell her to be, because she stays talking with her friends on the way home and looses track of the time. We talked to her about this and she is under some sort of "parole" on that matter. But I felt this weekend might be a positive thing and made my decision. He , either he wants to remember it, or even payef attention, was told about it and didn't complain before the arrangements were made. I talked to him about the girls coming - being sure he knew it was for a sleepover - and he didn't voice any concerns. I know that usually I takl with him a bit more, before deciding something and we both agree on what to do. But this time I didn't . As I said once, I am not perfect, and my mind was budy at the time. Still his reaction - or rather overreaction - had no reason. If he didnt agree with what I had decided, he could do what I do. wait until we were alone and in private tell me he didn't agree and even tell me to check with him before making a decision next time. But he choose not to do that, and make this big thing out of it. HE also choose to use a threat he shouldn't use a all to manipulate my decision. It didn't work, but it really got me mad!
Mad enough to think that maybe next time he shouldn't just threaten... but do it! TO think that maybe all this effort to maintain my marriage is not worth and to now feel depressed. He is out. We were supposed to go watch a soccer game in this portuguese club. It's the first game in the new stadium and it's our favorite team, so I wanted to go too... however he ended up leaving in a bad mood, and I wasn't in the mood either.
I don't know.. is my reaction and feelings in regards to this exagerated? I know I should have checked with him, I usually do. But I didn't. My bad. But how many times has he done the same? He's not exactly in position to judge me right now. HE can tell me how he feels about it, and I will certainly make sure I pay more attention next time.. but I don't want to stand to be judged by someone who consistently hurt me, made mistakes, and couldn't care less what the kids were doing while having is nice little affair. I guess I need to calm down a bit. I need to talk to him when he comes back, but I'm not sure of how to start or what to cover. Any help? Hugs nighshade
It started with something that doesn't even directly has to do with our
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Good for you for standing your ground and insisting the sleep over go forward.
YES your H over-reacted (big-time and very inappropriately)....but I'm not so sure it was for "no reason".
You say he's changed in these ways since the A's? Was there a dynamic before this time where you were the one who carried more control?
Just wondering as it seems that these "explosions" and "veiled threats" seem like (misguided) efforts to percieve (and even elicit) more control in these situations.
Now THIS would be something to really get to the root of. And more importantly, have him realize that he needs to curtail these urges if he wants things to work out!
Now you're right to just let this one process before deciding your whole M was a mistake!
Just seems to me that for some reason your H (fair or not) doesn't FEEL heard or perhaps respected enough???
Shiny, the funniest thing is that he usually is in control. I tend to let things go as long as they're not creatin gproblems and I know that since the affairs I most often than not relinquished control to him just to avoid situations that are not worth the trouble. AS I said, I usually choose my battles, and try not to create any new ones if the issue is not important.
It does seem like he feels the need for more control.. but hey, he's been having it all along. I know that the fact that his self esteem tends to lower really fast might make him feel like he's not heard. But he knows he is...
I don't know. It's like I have to go trough life tiptoeing making sure that I don't do anything wrong.. and you know what, I am only human. ONe of the things that came up, when his first affair, was the fact that he was still seeing me like the model of perfection. You know how that happens in the beginning of a relationship, we tend to overlook, actually not even notice, the other person's faults. But with time that kind of blindness is "cured"> Which is sometimes a reason for marital disagreement and some affairs. When people finally realise the spouse is just human. MIght squeeze the toothpaste from the wrong end and live the toiled sit up instead of down. THe thing with rui is that it took him almost 15 years to get to that stage... and that was at the time of the first affair. Me, I'm no better than anybody else, I'm not perfect neither do I intend to be - that would be trying for the impossible. And I can see Rui's faults the same way I see mine. I just love him enough to overlook, agree to disagree or just accept them whatever the case might be. I do try to do my best in all situations but I know I will make mistakes like everyone else. It has been a big stress ever since the affair because he does seem to expect me to not make any. As I said before if everything is well, than we're having the best time. If something is not well, than it's all my fault. I shoudlnt' have let that happen.
Yes... I need to talk to him.. ANy suggestions on how to put all this? They would be really appreciated. I still feel a bit too hot to be able to come with something that will be neutral but to the point.
Hugs nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
I was wondering if it would be best to let some time pass before trying to address the issue? I mean just till you both are sort of calmer from this upset.
Just that I know that works best for David and I if I am patient enough to do that, yeah right. But occassionally I manage it.
Thank you for welcoming David. He is going to get so many welcomes he is going to have to post back to folks!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hey Pam, followed your advice. He came home and I didn't push the issue. I did however let him know that I would like to talk, and gave him the control of being the one choosing when he feels it's the best time.
I feel quite hurt by this. When he decided he wanted to work on our marriage, I made the decison of never hang what happened over his head. I have kept that decision. However, I'm the one feeling like I have something hanging over my head. Either things are fine and I'm a good girl or else he threatens to go ( in a veiled way of course.. his way ) This is more damaging because he knows my past. He knows how it felt to have another threat over my head... either you're a a perfect little girl, cute and well mannered or we take you back to your birth parents. IT felt a lot like being a dog. And he knows that. It hurts much more because of that. ANyway thanks for being there. Hope David comes and says hello to all of us. Hugsies nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Good morning Pam:):) Overriding the emotional side became a must long time ago when I was a kid. It was survival mode kind of thing. Since then it became easier to use it on my life. Doesn't mean it's more healthy. Sometimes I do bottle up the emotions way tooo much. It's usually the negative emotions, the positive ones I let out. So well, this morning things are nice and caring. I know it takes him a while to realize he went in overdrive. And then usually he tries to make everything great as a way of apologizing. Still I will need to address this at some point. Our life could be just perfect right now, and still, why am I starting to feel like maybe it's better alone than to have to deal with this kind of stress on a regular basis? I know I will feel better soon. But for now this is bringing back many memories, not exactly pleasant. I really think Rui would benefit from counseling, but that's a no-no, and I have to respect that.We do need to ge some ground rules here. Oh well I'll probably won't come here much today, have lots of work to finish and the kids want to rent a movie. But I'll be back Hugsies nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Thank you again for welcoming David. I had no idea he had a screen name and password yet!
I am glad things are better this morning.
Will Rui do any sort of reading in R books or self help books? Sage has posted lately out of what she has been reading and some of it has been really interesting.
No, dealing with that kind of stress on a regular basis is not healthy or a good way to live. But I wonder if he realizes what a problem he has and makes for you when he does this?
Have fun today. It is dreary and rainy here and thinking may clean a little and then watch the race and heck may even order me a pizza!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I am sorry you are feeling down twin dear. (((((hugs))))
I'd like to post something 'uplifting' but I have a fever and feel weak as a kitten. At this point the only lifting I can do is of Kleenex to my poor and red nose. I may even need a nose job after this is over: I just catched a glimpse of me in the mirror and gave myself a scare! I won't need a mask to go trick or treating, I suspect.
BTW, reactive depression or the 'cold blues' is a pretty common sequelae of viral infections. But I do agree Rui needs a wake up call.
I'll come back tomorrow. Promise not to sneeze on the monitor or keyboard.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
But occassionally I manage it.
