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Yes they are all about emotional abandonment.

So I was just making my point about really being 'there' for your lovely children. remember God is always there for you Brad i know what you are going thru. At least I've always had my kids with me bar one who's in Heaven (our first born who died at 3 weeks). My x walked away from all of us, she has some kind of contact with the kids but she don't talk to me.

Love

Delboy

Do it for you man. If she sees it great.....if not then that's all on her. Her loss.



We all have our moments, it takes some work to break free of them at times.

I know you can't quite see it yet, but you have a wonderful opportunity here. In a town with no friends? Change things up, get out a meet some new friends. People do it every day.

It is incredibly easy to get stuck while going through all of this.

Taking a look inward and truly getting to know yourself again is pretty important and it sounds like you are doing a bit of that.

Where you place your focus and how you perceive you and the world around you is huge. These tend to become skewed at times while going through this. You have to have some self awareness here and keep yourself in check at times.

If your thoughts are always focused on what's lacking that's probably what will continue to show up in your life. You have to make a shift here and yes it's tough and no it doesn't happen in a day, but it can and does happen if you work at it.



LOL! Whatever floats your boat man.



Give it time, and keeping working at it. Change things up a bit and start out small, it will quickly add up. Just don't make the mistake of waiting for change just to magically appear. It's work but there are so many positives to take away from all of this.

You know what guys,

I have read through this thread, I too almost posted something last night trying to “inspire” Bradley and get him to “see” how important his presence is in his children’s lives.

But I had to deal with my own S and something with him, which included cooking dinner at 10:15 pm, because he is the most important person in MY life, and I was tired after that.

After sleeping on it, remembering Bradley’s other threads, and reading the rest of the posts from last night, I no longer wish to say what I wanted.

Bradley,

This is not the first thread where people have tried to get you to realize how important you are to your children.

This is not the first time I have sat and watched you acknowledge each and every response with a detatched and “yes but” attitude…

If you don’t know that your kids need you in their lives, then maybe they don’t need you.

I, for one, am tired of trying to convince you of something that you should have no question about.

Good luck Bradley

I agree,

Bradley this is a no brainer.

Number one.....Your wife has told you she is not done. She is actually taking action by going to MC.

Number two.....I just read through that post about skyping with your children and how you felt.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't care what you do for a living or what you did to get there.

People are people.....if I met you, I would view and treat you no differently than the guy that scrubs the toilets here.

There is not a job on this planet that can even begin to come close to fatherhood.

There isn't a damn thing that can even come close to being more fulfilling than that.

Something is missing here. I don't know if it's fear, ego.... hell I don't know, but you are struggling with a question that to me and most other folks is crystal clear.

Del-

I have to admit I thought you were talking about me being abandonded... so its interesting to think about it from that perspective. I guess it says something about the way that I think...

Trapt-- thank you for your comments. Yes I am sure fear and ego are some of the things that are swirling around my head. My wife has done a really good job of isolating the kids from me... she has made it such that "this is the way it is"... she interrupts me when they ask if I am staying, or when I am coming back and tries to smooth it all over "daddy has to work"... "daddy loves you"... all these things. So in my heartbreak, defeat, despair, and loneliness, I suppose there is a part of me that feels if I can go and at least salvage one thing in my life-- my work-- then I could feel better about things.

perhaps the 180 I need to realize is that the one thing in my life that I should at least salvage is my relationship with my kids. my wife has made that very hard... but I hear what all of you are saying for sure. That I should focus on that as the most important thing... above myself... above everything... right?

Cat I am sorry that you are so frustrated with me. I guess all I can say is that just when i finished my training... just as I have begun to develop a bond with those boys... my wife stripped them away from me. so I still feel somewhat detatched from them.. they are still somewhat of an abstract concept to me. Fatherhood is still something I am just learning to do-- but admittedly it is not at the top of my list... I suppose being heartbroken and wishing my wife loved me is. I guess that is one example of something that needs to change with me.

I love them... i love being with them... but she has seen to it to limit the connection and bond that we have. She has done this on purpose, I feel (or subconciously on purpose) so that they are not sad. so that they do not miss me or realize how tragic it is that they do not have me in their life. she is prepping them for the future... she is prepping them to never have me fully in their life.

so yes. I have an uphill battle. My reserves are empty. I feel worse every day. I am just searching for a way to get to a point that I do not feel so empty, alone, and terrible 24/7.

I did like the idea of reading to them by skype. that is a great idea. I will also ask that I get to skype with them at least twice a day... I think that will help them and me.

the wife woke up "angry" today... "angry, frustrated, cold, alone"

I feel like she says these things to put me back on my heels. I have read that this is prototypical...

amazing....

This is something you can change. Do not let your W take this away from you.

You are right it IS important.

No one knows how to be a DAD. You must learn how.

These are things that you can do no matter whether you are married or not. DO IT!

You have the opportunity to change this. Stop allowing her. Be Strong, kind and firm..... You have got to want it though. Tell her you want to be more involved, take action to become more involved.

As far as your fear of only seeing them on weekends, why accept that? That's looking a bit too far ahead regardless. I don't know how things are in your state, but here, if a father has his act together and desires and takes action toward having an equal role in his children's lives that's being viewed differently now. More and more the question is being asked "how is it beneficial to the children not to have equal parenting time?"



That makes sense, but why it's not at the top doesn't.



Take action to change this. Yes, it's difficult with so much going on, but these are your kids man.



Make this about you and your children.


I can't stress the importance of seeing the right MC as well. They are NOT all equal, not even close. Do your homework here.

So......

STOP being the victim and do something about it....

Cat is right, cause there goes another " yes, but" answer....

Do something about it....

Lay down that boundry that it is NOT okay for her to answer questions from the boys directed to you, and that YOU would like to answer those yourself....

question for you, and you need not reply to me, just yourself.....


When you stand by the pearly gates one day, which answer would you prefer....

To adjust your tie and proclaim that you saved thousands of lives of people you havent spoken to since, cause you were a cardiac surgeon ?

OR

That you saved the lives of the two people who matter the most in this world, and they call you Dad every freakin day.....and BTW....I was a doctor that helped people in my spare time as well.....


I'm not downplaying your profession, as a matter of fact, I admire your dedication....

I just know that if it were me......well, it's not .

Honestly-


so no.. my career is not more important than my family. at all.

so if I could do it all over again... I'd think id be a cabinet maker.

perhaps I can still do that...

Good stuff, I was thinking the same thing.



I really do as well Bradley, I'm just trying to make the point that it shouldn't be the single thing that defines you, and also trying to stress just how important fatherhood is.