Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I've hit a wall.. Now what?

So here's my question...

Why won't H just file for D???? WTF?



T

Stay Strong Tal.

Being from Oz, I have no idea about the workings of D over there.

Is there some advantage/disadvantage to being the one to File for D?, we just have no fault (irreconcilable differences, 1 year separation then 50/50 split of assets on settlement) - way too easy IMO.

Glad you have L involved, just make sure you don't sell yourself short.

In the long run you'll both lose financially, maybe H isn't quite willing to commit to D yet, or maybe he wants to keep you as a backup. It's your decision though, not his.

You didn't start this whole thing Tal, but you're the one in control. Make the best of it that you can.

He probably doesnt want to be the one to admit the marriage didnt work. He is being a coward and doesnt want to admit failure. In years to come he can well you filed - I didnt.

My H insisted that I filed and I didnt. I said that there was no way - I dont believe in D and also it is against my churchs beliefs. The only grounds I would consider filing on was Adultery - and he will never admit to that either. He did file eventually in the end. There is no advantage for me - expect he has to do all the work. Also I can hold my head up high with my kids and can I say I didnt end the marriage or destroy our family, it was their dad's choice.

HI Lea,
That's where I'm at. I think he's too cowardly to actually do it so he's trying to get me to. I'm just not going to. I don't need to - I have the house and the ability to contribute what I WANT to our joint bills. If he doesn't help out - I'm not afraid of protecting myself with a bankruptcy. He's already ruined my credit. At least then it will be over and I can just START OVER fresh at that point. L says I can keep the house no matter what. That's what I want out of all this - I don't care about the rest.

I'm just struggling in general. He doesn't want me but he's not man enough to admit it to anyone. I just don't get it.

Oh Well - I will just stick to the plan I layed out for him in the email and he can deal with the consequences.


Thanks for the support!!

T

Blownaway--

I think you directed this to Talia, not me, but I am taking it as it applies to me.

I KNOW there were many many failures on my part that lead to H just walking away. The grief, pain, and remorse over those failures are tearing me apart still. I take responsibility for them.

I want to be a better person. I am trying therapy and every damn thing I can think of to look at my faults and do something about them.

Some of the trouble is, I am still in so much pain that I can't focus on anything but the betrayal, the fear, the pain. I'm trying!

Talia's last post said "After 6 months of detaching, I don't care if he comes home or not..." And I am, at 7 months, still so far from that.

I thought I had made good progress, but the issue over selling the house to him has just knocked me flat back on my butt again.

Your post was a good hard hit of cold water to the face--keep posting any more words of matter of fact wisdom you have--I need them. I'm wallowing. Functioning, but wallowing.

I HAVE TO LET GO of the pain. Let go of outcomes. Let go of what HE does.

Isn't there a magic potion or spell for this somewhere?

Thanks!

If only there were a potion.

(((Aver))). I'm at work now, I haven't read your sitch, but I will try my best to get up to speed as soon as I can.

Look after yourself please.

Ok, just catching up Talia.

You're exactly right. He's not filing because A) he's a coward and B) he's pushing you to do it so he can say you are the one who ended things. BTDT.

I decided to call BF on his cowardice and end things myself because I had enough of his bs. As long as things work out better or just as well for you to keep things as they are then do that. {If you want to try to push him to file, try calling him a coward to his face. It'll at least give you a great expression to look at. Heh heh.}

Hey Pearl - Welcome back!! I can't wait to hear about your trip!!
He is a coward, among other things. I'm working through things with L right now to see where to go from here. L and me both are of the opinion that he can file if he wants this. I'll keep you posted as we work through it. It doesn't seem to hurt me to leave things as they are in the email and wait him out. I'm OK with that for now.

Aver -
I hope this helps you... I've been thrown for a loop lately too! I think there are levels of grieving this type of loss. This last round of moving closer to actually filing for D has been like two steps back. I can't sleep again - can't eat - you know the drill. I think the only difference is I have MUCH better coping mechanisms than before. I HOPE that IC is helping you in that way - it meant all the difference for me...

The best thing I've learned in this is to FEEL through it. I used to say "Its so wrong..." and then describe how I felt. My IC helped me see that how I feel isn't wrong - what I do with it might be. I would stuff my feelings, tell myself I didn't deserve to feel that way, I should have expected this, Can I blame him, there are so many other people who have it worse than me - how dare I feel like this... You get the idea. What I've learned is that if I honor my feelings and give them the care they deserve - the don't last as long and aren't as debilitating. Example.... I asked H wait until after the holiday's to file anything - so I could celebrate without that added stress. So come Dec 26 - I was ready. He didn't send me the email telling me we needed to move ahead until around mid Jan. I got the email and immediately was VERY upset. Then I started telling myself that I didn't deserve to be upset, I had been expecting this, its not a shock... etc. Then I stopped - remembered what I've learned... and decided to leave work early ill. I went home - cried all afternoon - talked to my mom and my best friend - cried some more. By dinnertime - I was OK again and that was it. It didn't ruin my week or have any affect on me past that afternoon.

Just remember that you get to feel however you want. As long as you don't base your actions on your feelings you will be fine. There is no right or wrong way to grieve so just be true to how YOU grieve. The sooner you do that for yourself the sooner you will get through it.

I don't know if that helps at all - but at least you know you are not alone in backsliding a little now and then. Just don't let H see it!!!


(((Aver)))

T

OH Pearl...

I'm not up on abbreviations. What is BTDT??

Hey, T - Glad you found the culprit... haven't wanted to post since I read your original comment. I'll catch up later and be back!!