Hi Burt... it was last night. He didn't respond. Didn't expect him, to. He's not a "talker." He lets things stew, and then he explodes (kind of - not in a crazy abusive way - but definitely in a this could have been handled and resolved SO MUCH EASIER way).
I talked to him today. All was "his version of normal." Asking about what I was doing, talking about something he needs me to type up for him, back-up phone that S10 uses sometimes, etc...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I think you're right. I've given him what he wants for almost a complete year now, right? Space (emotional), no pressure, etc... How about what I need?
I haven't had any "words" to share with anyone here for almost a month. I've been following along w/you daily, reading, though.
I relate to a lot of your feelings, and hesitations...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'm sorry. I have tried to type so many times. I feel paralyzed. I had nothing to say. I felt so ashamed. This man loves me, but doesn't love me enough to want me happy and satisfied.
My health situation is a little bit scary. I have svt, which, I believe is an arrhythmia (mine was way elevated - heart rate was 285 when I got to the hospital). Weird though, I was in and out of ER in less than two hours. H was working out of town, and my bff was w/me. One shot of something in the IV that stopped my heart for a bit, and re-set the rate, and I rested for an hour and left. I have to go to the cardiologist next week. We'll see.
H was worried, although didn't tell me so... I could tell because he told some of my fellow soccer mom friends about it (when I was at other son's game). H's defense mechanism/comfort zone is humor, and he told the story in an odd/funny way. That's how I know he was/is concerned.
Yesterday one of my friends mentioned the incident to my H, in front of me at a bball game. She told him that her hubby (who is an MD) told her to tell me that an arrhythmia is caused by not enough sex.(SHE HAS NO IDEA OF OUR SITUATION, was just being funny.) H smiled at her w/this kind of dorky smile, and didn't have a word in reply (odd for him, as he's quite verbose). He saw my face change, once she turned around... then kept drawing me into conversations, while I was trying to focus on the game so I wouldn't cry. We came home, and he kept telling me how I "just didn't look good." Rest. Sleep.
It's sad.
Goals? The only one I have is that I need to be heard. Badly.
I miss you guys. Thank you for looking for me.
How are you, my friends???
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Thank you for your understanding of the reality here.
I completely understand about the man/money issue. He felt forced into this house, but did it anyhow to make me happy. He ignored our taxes, and caused a huge financial mess. We are still in our home, driving the same cars (he got a newer one last year actually). Since the blow up in 12/07, I have not requested a vacation (used to do caribbean vaca's yearly), am driving my existing car (typically would have bought a new one by now), and offered to sell the house (we had an off-the-cuff person of interest, but it fell through), and move to a "normal" 4-bedroom 2-story.
I'm doing what I can. I make a good living. H does, as well. I've cut way back on shopping. Just wish I could do more...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
You don't need to know what the upward path is right now. Just start the little little steps to a better place. When you start climbing up the valley wall again, it is then easier to look around and find the path. Getting strong sassy mindblank to come out to play again is the first step.
I'll write more later. I think we need to get you back to focusing on you. Being heard would be nice, but it's not a goal you can control. I'd like to get back to the things YOU can do.
Storm... Ha! I agree. Strong, sassy mindblank. She was the fighter, not sure about this mindfull person. She is holed up at home a lot, "working". H is handling the boys tonight, after a bball game, and I'm going to dinner w/two girlfriends. It's a start!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I guess you're right. I can talk as loud as I want, but fall of deaf ears. Ugh!
Not sure if it's the txt or the health situation or the friend comment, but we're on the "calling to see how things are going at home" calls 3x yesterday (he was out of town for work). Hope it's not coming from a place of guilt. Blech.
S12 has a bball game this afternoon. H will be home for it. I will go, looking fab, acting as if I've not been down. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me, for emotional, health or any reason. That's NOT attractive
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
