Funny, my W's mother had it just right. She told me to be very tough with her daughter. She told me "If she wants to leave, throw her out, and tell her you got the best lawyer in town, and that the kids are staying right here." I said "Then she'll get a lawyer too." My MIL said "Let her. You've got the stronger case." I fought with her about it. Since I knew I had failed to make my W feel loved during our M, I thought the solution was to convince my W that I did indeed love her. Wow, talk about wrong. All I did was embold my W to continue in her ways.
This comment made me think of my own situation, but I hope that time and space will help you see that her Mom was right and that letting go of the other person is a positive move. I didn't throw my husband out (he was the one that had an affair, but I'm the one filing for divorce), but we no longer live together.
When I separated and later filed for D with my stbx-H, it somewhat surprised me that his family, in their way, were more than generous in offering their help - both emotional and financial - for us to legally end our marriage.
No matter how much you "failed to make your W feel loved" it doesn't matter one iota. Outside of emotional and physical violence, there is absolutely no reason for a person to cheat on their spouse. None. None at all.
I hope you find some peace in all of this. Trust me, I know it's incredibly hard, but if your in-laws are saying this to you, listen to them. You are in the middle of the situation and can't see clearly...they can. Her mom has literally known her all of her life, in fact, her mom has known her since before your W was born.
It's not some kind of scales where you have to *prove* to your wife that you love her. Either she accepts that you do based on your words and actions or she doesn't. Likewise, it's up to you to decide if the way she is treating you is what you want to accept as "proof" of whether she loves you or not.
No matter how much you "failed to make your W feel loved" it doesn't matter one iota. Outside of emotional and physical violence, there is absolutely no reason for a person to cheat on their spouse. None. None at all.
Thank you! I know I'm making progress, because lately I've been having thoughts exactly like that.
I have gotten a bit of a life as I have spent a lot of time with my son - asking him questions about his day, helping him with homework, taking him to do things on the weekends. I have done other things to get a life as well as I have been cleaning up around the house, washing the cars, etc. I also go into the office now as opposed to work from home. This helps me in a lot of ways as it gets me out of the house every day and gives us a bit fo seperation.
As for the relationship - it is in shambles as my wife is here for the family only having told me she has no commitment to me. She still wears the ring but has offered to give it back to me if it bothers me that she still wears it. She no longer chats sexually with her friend.
In her words, she is focused on remaking herself. She no longer wants me and cannot tell me if she will ever want me again. In her words, she is done - but hasn't asked me for a divorce because she owed it to her family and to me to try to work through our issues.
This is where patience comes in.......
She has asked me for patience so that she can become healthy and actually allow her the opportunity to see if I can be the one to fill her emotional tank.
While I have 2 options, only 1 is plausible at this time and that is to develop myself and give her the time she needs to let things move along.
In her mind, the online affair was a folly, something that was safe and although it crossed the line, she felt that the number of times I had crossed the line in the past with my own vices and indiscretions, I would be able to roll with the punches as she had.
The problem is, she is a strong person who has great control of her emotions and I have always handled things draped in my emotions.
The way I handled the affair was no different escalating quickly to move out and let's seperate bank accounts.
She didn't have sex with the guy, although she did flaunt it under my nose. If only I recognized that it was a warning sign and not a full blown affair, I might have reacted differently.
I know my next relationship will be stronger as I now understand the importance of controlling stress, emotions, and sharing time with your mate. I just hope its my present wife that I am able to build that next relationship with.
She didn't have sex with the guy, although she did flaunt it under my nose. If only I recognized that it was a warning sign and not a full blown affair, I might have reacted differently.
You do realize, she is most likely LYING to you about this . . . right?
She has asked me for patience so that she can become healthy and actually allow her the opportunity to see if I can be the one to fill her emotional tank.
All I can do at this point is be patient and I told her that.
I realize, if I love her, I will give her the time she needs to become healthy and I will use this time to become healthy.
I am the typical workaholic male who, over time, shifted all the responsibility onto my wife while I focused on producing.
At this point, I know what I need to do but it still has a numbing affect. I dwell to much. I think about it constantly. I talk about it to much to her.
Living under the same roof is brutal as she is able to deal with her emotions and has moved forward. I continue to see the image of what I had and what I long for.
But even I know if it unhealthy to love someone in a one-sided relationship.
Loving someone who is unable or unwilling to reciprocate is difficult, yes. But it is not impossible.
Think of the girls you "loved" in high school and perhaps college who had no idea of your feelings. Or perhaps I am alone in having done that when growing up. There seemed no limit to the depth of the feelings that I could hold on to for someone who had no idea.
I know the dynamics are different here. You have a history together. But keep this in mind - it is only your history together that has the two of you still together. It is a blessing AND a curse.
You CAN do this. It's done most successfully by keeping the focus on the things you need to do FOR and TO yourself. At the same time, your natural affection and desire for your wife will cause you to do things spontaneously in her direction that will be active evidence of your true feelings.
The best demonstrations of love and commitment are those that are not done with fanfare or with planning. They are also not accompanied by expectations of a particular responsse.
You are in the position of being the one spouse who WANTS the marriage to be saved. That comes with a burden which you must willingly take on, and that burden is to be willing to carry the weight of BOTH loves until she is able and ready to join in.
Focus OFF of her. Focus OFF words that discourage.
You CAN do this.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Stop talking about it with her. Stop telling her how you feel and what you're going to do. And don't be asking her how she feels about the relationship, or where she is at currently in the relationship.
Put it on the back burner for now.
Oh, and this?
Quote:
But even I know if it unhealthy to love someone in a one-sided relationship.
...is NOT an absolute truth.
There are often times in our marriages where only one possesses the capacity to demonstrate their love. During that time it may in fact be one-sided.
That's the time when WE carry our spouse...
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
