Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy When do you request your spouse end an EA?

Dani, please explain HOW things are better now than ever over 5 years?
In your situation, though, I would be tempted to call your H's bluff about you dating other people! But maybe you could just do it with open understanding w/ the other that you are not looking to have an exclusive relationship...encourage the man to date others and you can, too. No hard feelings!



It doesn't sound like it's being accepted by everyone except maybe his family? Do you talk to them about it at all?

Also have you drawn up anything legal regarding your separation? And are you two going on dates or to counseling to "work on your marriage" even though I don't think you will be able to until she is out of the picture.

Check out mb28's thread around p. 23-24 for several articles about infidelity that Allen posted...the interview with Dr. Shirley Glass is the best I think.Your H sounds like he was drawn to "saving" OW...he may have "knight in shining armor" syndrome!

Oh...about being mysterious. First, you sound like you are doing great with GAL (getting a life) so far!
Here is a random list...hope some inspire you!

-leave early/change plans (you can give notice ahead of time) but be vague about where you are going

-start taking a new class and leave a handout around where he might see it

-order packages for yourself and leave them on the front porch so he will have to see it when he picks up/drops off S

-tell your S' preschool teachers about new things you are doing (or other people who can possibly share with your H)

-show up with a guy to pick up your S from preschool! Could be a friend

-have leftover containers or coasters from different coffe shops, bars or restaurants than where you've been with H

-you can mention to H that you heard a terrific band play at this bar you went to last week ( but be vague so he will want to ask you q's and you say you went with new friend(s) you met BUT ACTUALLY GO! Don't make it up.

-fix your hair different, wear different clothes than normal

-talk on the phone while he sees you, laughing before you say goodbye

Now the point of being mysterious is to a) show you aren't predictable...not the same old same old that he knew and b) raise his curiosity

Dani, this could take a loooong time if all you want is to stall divorce (that is my goal still and almost 11 months later, no divorce and it has been 4 months since he last brought it up). IF/WHEN you aren't afraid of divorce, then you can be direct and more pushy.


Have you read others' threads yet? You might find some beneficial info from them.

By the way...is this an open separation? It seems like you would have more freedom if you are openly agreeing to separate and agreeing to date others. I would choose that kind of situation over my own anyday! :-)

oh stuck808 has awesome tips!!!

Thanks! I can pretty much guarantee you this will get his wheels turning. Try it out. After all, you have nothing to lose.

I wish women were this easy!

OK, i have to put my 2c in here...

1. You are sending your H WAY TOO MANY mixed messages.
2. Your husband needs to be educated about threats to marriage and his home - this woman clearly is one
3. Your husband telling you he doesn't mind if you dated was him ASKING for a FREE TICKET to have sex with the OW. It had nothing to do with you. HE wanted a clear conscience.

4. This is off topic, about the breast implant surgery... I don't know if that's a wise thing to do if you are in com martial arts, if you get hit, it can be quite dangerous for you. I know someone who got in a car accident who had breast implants and its the implants that killed her. The impact caused the implant to rupture etc and things got really ugly.

Anyhow... I read through these two pages and what I see most are you trying to go in two or three different directions at once. This is giving your H a LOT of freedom to cheat on you since you aren't addressing the problem head on.

Lets put this simply :

1. If you WANT to fight for your marriage - do NOT DATE OTHER MEN.

I KNOW some people will tell you H may get jealous. Yes, he very likely will. How will he respond to this jealousy?

a. He could end his affair with OW and ask you to make a committment to him
b. He could pursue his affair with vindictiveness and a clear conscience

Which is the most likley outcome... A or B?

Now, I see a lot of hopping around. You have indicated you are confused etc. This is NOT sending a clear message to your H. I know you think he knows how you feel, but trust me. A quick scan of your post tells me he's getting way too many contradictory messages.

1. You tell him his affair is hurting you and you want him to back off of her... And YOU accept a birthday present from her? To a GUY that means you changed your MIND about her...

2. You work with her voluntarilly? BIG STOP SIGN there. If you can do ANYTHING to show you do NOT support his affair.. you DO IT. This means exposing the affair in the workplace and refusing to work with her. Or get her fired if you can do that. Otherwise work from home or find a new job. Do NOT TOLERATE HER. When you show tolerance for HER, you show your HUSBAND tolerance for his AFFAIR.

let me repeat that :

Do NOT TOLERATE HER.

Show tolerance for HER = show tolerance for H's AFFAIR.

if you want to END an affair you must NOT TOLERATE it. Being FRIENDS with HIM and HER and acting nice gives him a free ticket to continue... you are basically telling him you are ok with an open marriage. You have a child right? You need to start thinking like a mom and PROTECT YOUR HOME from threats. HE is not being a father or husband right now. He is allowing threats to his home dance all over the place and YOU are SIGNING OFF ON IT.

YOU need to commit to your marriage and a full scale attack on this woman or DIVORCE and move on. You can't fight an affair halfway like you are doing... it just keeps going on for years and leaves you getting anxiety, depression, and a lot of other unpleasant emotional and physical illnesses...

If you commit to your marriage
1. Expose the affair - I don't care if it's EA or PA. Expose it and find friends who support you on getting this woman out of your life.
2. Tell your H on NO UNCERTAIN TERMS will you engage in convo with HIM OR the OW out of respect for your daughter and your marriage. It's time to take your dignity and confidence back.
3. Follow through on 2. Do NOT engage either of them. This OW is going to try to smooth things out and be nice or whatnot - You need to steel yourself from that and SHUT HER OUT... along with H.
4. Get to work on getting yourself and your child supported independent of H. SHOW him you mean BUSINESS.

He's going to deny any affair is going on.

5. Print up articles from the internet about emotional infidelity. Glass has lots of great stuff to say about keeping emotional walls up to threats to your marriage - you AND your H should be doing this... He needs educated.

Print them up... give them out to anyone who will support you. You are starting a campaign to shame this woman out of your life and your H back to reality.

6. Take care of yourself. Do NOT date. It's ok if you LOOK attractive and men invite you to dinner, but do NOT go with them. If you want a monogamous commitment from your H you need to SET a GOOD EXAMPLE of that... dating other men is NOT setting a good example of a mother and wife committed to her marriage... Your H must follow YOUR LEAD...

I can add more later, but right now the halfway db commitment needed to be said like a house on fire...

Okay first off. She did not say she would date other men and neither did anyone recommend she do so. It's stated that she should go out and have fun. If her WAH believes she is seeing someone, that's his problem.

Right now he's had a free pass to cheat. She's done the same thing for awhile and has produced ZERO results. So you do something different.

You can't predict what logic the WAS uses to justify their bad behavior. But I can guarantee you that they tend to believe the worst in the LBS. You have no control over that.

DBing is about "solution" based strategies. And if one thing doesn't work, then do something else. In many cases the WAS needs to feel a sense of loss or hit rock bottom before they realize the LBS was the one for them.

I am all for exposing the A. And that's number one what she should do.

However, she also has to show her worth and value to him. For guys it's sexual. Plain and simple. He could care less if she's smart or witty. Guys equate a woman's value to her sexuality. From her sexuality comes desirability.

Once she has established her desirability, she has to get him to the point where he wants he so badly that he would do anything to get her back. That's when she establishes the rules of going to C, better communication, etc. But you have to start with some chips before you can gamble like that. And that's all she's doing. Earning chips.

Sorry stuck, i dont' agree with much of your post above, but I certainly welcome your opinion.

The fact that she didn't SAY she would date other men, does not at ALL dismiss the point I made that it's a bad idea.

No, you can't predict what a spouse will do, but you can forecast... based on as many samples as you can put together.. it's called science.

Do something different yes... but not do something dumb.

"Do something different yes... but not do something dumb."

Ah see now that's where we differ. There is no "dumb" action. There is either action or not. It's an experiment. She did not say she would cross the line of infidelity. You are assuming that if she is out having a good time, whether it be with women or men, it's an act of cheating. It certainly isn't.

She isn't expected to stay at home and knit on her rocking chair and bible waiting for him to come home. She should do what she wants to do (within reason) and not wallow in her misery.

Incidentally, how did you get your W back?

Woah...

There ARE dumb actions first off... There are things that DON'T work and have proven OVER and OVER again NOT to work... appearing NEEDY for example... Michele Davis gives a VERY LARGE list of DO NOT DO's when divorce busting...

So, ya, anything that's on that list I would say is a dumb action.

And no I am not assuming someone going out to have a good time is cheating... you're reading way too much into posts stuck808... just read the text that's there on the screen.

"Not wallow in her misery"... so... you would say THIS - "wallowing in her misery" is doing something dumb then?

You see, there ARE dumb things... and that is NOT etiher action or not... there's constructive actions, unknowns, AND destructive actions...

There you go