Maybe we need a DB chatbot to pretend to have conversations with, so we can type and text like crazy, but still be telling the truth when we say nothing is going on. (Sorry, that's the inner Geek in me coming out...)
It would be all fun and games until someone got shot.
Not yet. I'm not there yet, but I think it's coming.
I haven't done anything about the phone/internet, because I was trying to show that I trusted her enough to let her have them. Clearly, she doesn't see it that way.
I haven't said anything to her, but I think my line in the sand is her moving out of our bedroom. If/when that day comes, I will pull the plug on the cell and internet, and expose to OMW1 (OM2/3 are not married...).
Hopefully, we don't get to that point. It's not normally my nature to be a harda$$, but I may not have any other choice.
From reading a lot of the other threads, once things go nuclear, they don't really get better; you just learn to deal with it, keep hope alive as long as possible and get on with living the best life you can.
Not yet. I'm not there yet, but I think it's coming.
I haven't done anything about the phone/internet, because I was trying to show that I trusted her enough to let her have them. Clearly, she doesn't see it that way.
Oh yes. Always good to let the pyromaniac keep their matches and their kerosene, to show them that we "trust" them. And if we take the crack away from the crack addict, that is only "controlling behavior," don'tchaknow.
From reading a lot of the other threads, once things go nuclear, they don't really get better; you just learn to deal with it, keep hope alive as long as possible and get on with living the best life you can.
If you were to talk to enough woman who had affairs and left their husbands you would find that once they get a taste of another man its pretty much over.
what if i drew this picture for you: if i was screwing some woman and chatting her up on the phone and internet and sleeping with my phone so she had 24 hour access to me. And my wife was upset I would continue to tell her, "we are just friends; we understand eachother and are helping eachother with our marital problems. Dont you trust me?" Untill......
the OW's husband had hard evidence I was screwing his wife and exposed it to my wife. Then I would be lying my pants off and making this other husband out to be a freak out and a liar.
There is a reason why we suggest to "nip it in the bud" asap.
Have hard evidence of EA. W fell asleep the other day and left her phone unlocked. Took it into other room and went through the texts before she could go through her nightly ritual of deleting them. Found a lot of ILY texts back and forth, but also found her AOL password in her sent items from where she was IM'ing from her phone (thanks bunches for that, BTW, AOL...).
Logged into her email and found messages, photos and saved chat histories. Could have done without reading the texts from their webcam sex sessions or seeing naked pictures of OM, but I needed to see them.
From their most recent chat session, it looks like they are having problems, and she asked him if she should still make the trip to London in October. I'm guessing she was planning on using her college grant money (she said she wanted to go back to school) to buy a ticket, unless she has money stashed away or was planning on draining the bank account. She doesn't have a current passport, and the passport status page says she hasn't applied for one yet.
I forwarded all of the messages and pictures to myself, then logged off and put everything back.
Preparing for a blitz. Have been holding off for a few days since her mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer.
Trying to be strong and supportive for her, and show her love even though she doesn't deserve it right now.
Funny thing is, I thought things had been a little better between us lately. We have been doing more things together as a couple and family, and on my birthday Tuesday, she got the kids to make a big deal of it, and she gave me a card that said she loved me; nothing mushy or romantic, but she didn't acknowledge our anniversary or Valentine's Day, so this came as a surprise...
I love my W and want to save the M, and I think I could forgive her and rebuild if she would end the A and recommit to our M. If she goes to London in October and turns the EA into a PA, I don't think there will be any coming back.
I have ordered "Not Just Friends", which should be here in a few days. I'm planning to confront her after it comes, and tell her to break it off and send him a NC letter. If she refuses or crosses the boundary afterwards, I'm planning to kill the phone and internet, pack her things and expose to everyone I can think of.
I've been trying to find OMW. She had a Facebook page, but it looks like she deleted it a few weeks ago. They are in London, so I'm not sure how to reach her. From their kids' FB pages, I have been able to find about a dozen of their family members, but they are all on his side of the family, so I'm not sure how helpful they will be in busting the A.
I have ordered "Not Just Friends", which should be here in a few days. I'm planning to confront her after it comes, and tell her to break it off and send him a NC letter. If she refuses or crosses the boundary afterwards, I'm planning to kill the phone and internet, pack her things and expose to everyone I can think of.
I've been trying to find OMW. She had a Facebook page, but it looks like she deleted it a few weeks ago. They are in London, so I'm not sure how to reach her. From their kids' FB pages, I have been able to find about a dozen of their family members, but they are all on his side of the family, so I'm not sure how helpful they will be in busting the A.
Still trust your wife, Eeyore?
Do NOT demand she break it off. That's controlling. Instead, tell her "I know all about you and ______ , and it needs to stop, NOW. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family." If she asks you HOW you know, do NOT reveal your source(s), and don't reveal them EVER. You'll need them, and besides it's a much more powerful dynamic to have her NOT know what you know, and what you don't know, as she will then have to operate from a basis of YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, which is what you tell her -- "I know all about it -- everything."
Anyway, to tell HER what to do is controlling. To tell her what YOU are willing to abide (and not abide) is a BOUNDARY OF PERSONAL INTEGRITY:
if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
You need to expose to OM's wife. Try doing a free trial membership to Ancestry.com. It has some very robust search tools on there that may help you locate her.
As you've seen, I've been trying to give her what she's asked for, even though I was pretty sure I knew what was going on. I hoped the EA would die out eventually because of the distance, and when it did, she would come of the fog and see my changes. See how well that worked out...
Confirming the EA doesn't tell me anything I didn't already suspect, it just throws a brick at my head and makes it more clear that I have to do something to protect my family and myself.
I'll try out Ancestry and hope for the best. I would really rather talk to her directly than hope his family will pass on the message.
I'll move this over to the other forum later today. Can I move the whole thing, or do I need to sart a new thread and link back to this one?
