It's also not good to say you're done for good, but it's really good to say you're done for now. Work on you, your absence will force her to work on herself, and that's the only way reconciliation will be possible. If it doesn't work out at least you've worked on you and removed yourself from the drama. Sounds like you're in a good place.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
I dont know about a good place...but I'm not in a bad place.
My ex came back with D3 and carried her up to the front door. I opened the door, talked to D3, took D3 from her, my ex said bye to D3, and I closed the door. Not a word was spoken between us.
D3 loves the ball and bat I got her...she's barely put it down since she got home. She and I are gonna go to dinner in about an hour for Valentines Day. She's probably the best Valentines Day date I have had in a long time.
Oh not to say you're wrong mark, but I doubt my absence will make my ex work on herself. She's happy with her life as it is...so its unlikely she'd do anything to change that.
Dinner with D3 went well...I called ahead to reserve a table so we only had to wait about 5 mins unlike the other poor saps who waited 45 or more.
The ex didnt call to say goodnight to D3...which is somewhat of a relief. Plus it shows that when she called in the past she was essentially doing it for show. I say that because she's working the same schedule as she was before we split and she never ever called to say goodnight to her until I did it while she had her post-split.
The ex and I were supposed to go and do taxes together tomorrow but that's not gonna happen which is ok by me. We can just do them seperately and let whoever sort it out in the end.
Tuesday may be interesting as we are supposed to have a meeting somewhere about D3's preschool. I hope I dont have to talk directly to her about anything.
While its not as intense as it was in the past...I have this underlying angry feeling towards my ex still. I'm still bothered by all the apparent mind games and false accusations.
Some things I've learned which I would hope to share with others:
Dont react on emotions. If you're feeling sad or angry or scared about something you see, hear, read, etc. think about what you want to do/say/etc, then wait a day or so before taking action. And by all means if you are doing something and your gut tells you somethings not right...as in you can foresee potential severe negative consequences...dont do it til you've asked at least 3 other people about it.
Something else I've begun to think about is why some of the advice offered wouldnt necessarily work in my own sitch is because we were never married. Theres no spearation which may end in divorce...it is as if we are already divorced.
And even though it's likely my ex cheated/was having an EA with this OM before she left me, and even if she used her issues with me as excuses to leave so she could pursue OM, the fact is, he's really her new boyfriend...and not an OM in an intermarital affair.
Since she left, I've pursued off and on. A day or so of no pursuit and then back to heavy pursuit. Until yesterday when I had her blocked from my phone I wasnt even going dark and having no contact right.
I think the biggest things that have put me where I am now though are my reacting on my emotions. While I dont know if I can believe her, she may really have been trying to give me another chance several weeks ago...and when I got weirded out by her turning her phone off and went over there and cought them, that was a huge strike against me. The next huge strike against me was the conversation we had the other day that she said caused her to lose all respect for me.
The final strike against me, which really wasnt under my control, was this email or whatever it was that the OM got that she or he thinks is from me. Its not...but they think it is and that's why I got the warning of any further contact and she'd call the cops.
I dont know what conversation took place between her and OM...but I can only imagine that either he coached her into saying that, or he said to her that he cant deal with this kind of drama and if she didnt do something about it he couldnt be with her.
Either way would have been a big motivator for her, as she is head over heels for him and takes his word as gospel...and he is her new gravy train...so if he goes away so do her hopes of a secure and well-to-do lifestyle...which is why I got the death threat.
So really its two strikes against me that are my fault, and the third is assumed to be my fault from my past actions.
I dont think I will ever understand why she kept flip flopping on me though, aside from, as I said, hoping to get ammo against me for custody rights.
Essentially boundary setting from the point of not tolerating her relationship with the OM was always impossible...as we werent married. We were/are broken up and she wants nothing more to do with me, so saying I wouldnt tolerate her being with OM and setting any sort of consequence (eg. being done with her/not being a friend) was essentially meaningless.
I mean...it took a while for me to get here but I'm in compelled strict no contact/no friendship with her and I dont think I'll be seeing her come running back or even showing interest in our R due to it.
That might be different if we were married and a D hadnt happened yet. So for the majority that come here, who are married, these techniques have a much better chance of success. And if I hadnt pursued as much and gone dark and into NC from day one Id likely be in a better position than I am...but still not in any position to make demands about her ending it with the OM/her new b/f.
I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should expose this R that my ex has with the OM to other people in her family. It was clear when I was on the phone with her the other day she didnt want her grandmother to know about OM. I dont think her sisters know either.
Given her recent threats about killing me and calling the cops though, that might just be more ammo and do me more harm than good.
So unless anyone else can offer insight to the contrary, I think I'm best just sticking to strict no contact with her and her family and just moving on as a single dad.
Your current sitch -- including your own emotional health -- is too volatile for me to be able to recommend exposure to you.
Puppy
Thanks puppy...I kinda figured that. Since she and I arent married, I'm just curious as to her motivations for hiding the R...unless at some basic level she knows what she did is wrong and knows people like her Grandmother would lose respect for her to find out...especially given how much older he is.
Ok...I'm looking for advice...and I swear to the vets I will follow it if its given.
I'm looking for a logical reason, other than "contact about D3", to unblock my ex's number from my cell phone. What will/could be the benefits to it?
I'm asking this because I now know that she knows her number is blocked. When she came to get D3 this morning I asked her about doing taxes and she very snippily said she already did hers yesterday, and that I would have known that she was doing them if her number hadnt been blocked on my cell phone.
I told her she could have called the house or used another phone to call my cell, and she said "I shouldnt have to". Then she said something like "Just think how much its gonna kill you on Friday nights not to get to say good nite to D3". (neener neener neener?)
I told her it wouldnt kill me, and it wont. I ended up walking over to her car and telling her something to the effect that if she really wanted to, she could still call my cell phone from her work phone to say goodnight to D3. But apparently she either doesnt want to or wasnt able to figure that out.
So I dunno...should I unblock her number? I mean she did threaten to murder me if I de-railed her gravy train...and she did say she would call the cops on me if I contacted her...so if she's contacting me, that could give me the false impression that it's ok to contact her.
So did I do the right thing by blocking her number? What logical reasons are there for unblocking it? Am I just making a bad sitch worse...as in pushing her further away with her number blocked...or is our not speaking to one another for the best?
I will say that I seem to be feeling a lot more anger and resent since we havent been speaking...so I dunno if unblocking will release any of that or not.
You are still not ready. You still donot seem to have gotten over being dumped. Sending her calls to foobar is healthy for you.
Have you gone 30-45 days without talking to her? Have you been on a "date" with someone else yet? Have you taken any steps that say "I have moved on with my life?
