Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Marriage Downgraded to Good Friends on 2/5/10

Wired has good advice for you about focusing on your son. You'll never regret putting him first. Quitting smoking would be a 180 for you and it would be good for the health of your whole family. Although it's hard to quit, I'm guessing it's easier than losing the love of one's life (which has happened to me).

Stuck, what part of her cake eating did you think wasn't cake eating?!

She's having an affair but wants to stay married for the sake of her kid and also so that she can remain a stay at home mom.

That's called an open relationship except our buddy doesn't have access to any of the goods. He has officially been turned into a human wallet and been castrated in the process.

Yup she's cake eating, stuck you need to pay attention, I think you're wife was doing a fair amount of that as well in your situation.

How does this happen?

Because you enable it.

You originally both make a decision to see each other, date, get engaged, get married, having children, buy a home, possessions, etc.

That's both of you making decisions.

Then one of you decides they want to have an affair and have sex with a person outside of your marriage.

That's one of you making decisions.

That person also wants to stay married because it's comfortable to live at home, someone else is paying the bills and you also don't have to have sex with your spouse anymore.

That's one of you making decisions.

And that's cake eating with a double helping of betty crocker fudge on that slice o' cake.

"friends"

- friends can be trusted
- friends don't lie to you
- friends don't use you

just an fyi about this "friend" business Mike.

Mike you tell her this since she's been making all of the decisions lately:

"I've decided you can be with the other man. I've decided that I don't want to be with someone who could so carelessly throw me away and cheat on me with another man. I want you to be with him, I'm going to start looking for someone new myself, someone who accepts me as me, doesn't lie to me and will give me everything that you're currently not giving me. I've decided that I will see a lawyer and get a separation agreement drafted. I've decided that you won't sleep in my bed anymore and that the couch is good enough for you. I've decided that I won't be a weekend dad and that I want joint custody and I've decided that you should move out. That's my decision, no hard feelings, I hope we can still be friends after all of this but right now I need some time to think about all of this and find out what I really want."

Don't pursue her, don't try to "win her back", this never works.

You change directions, move on in the other direction, show her that you won't tolerate this and watch her reaction.

But the secret is this, you can't fold when she starts to get angry and yell at you and all that other good stuff, you just tell her politely that all of this has made you rethink about everything and maybe this is for the best.

If she doesn't want to be your wife, let her go.

In fact doing so will be the quickest thing that brings her back.

It's counter-intuitive to the ass kissing, pleading, begging, worshipping, gift giving, doing every chore around the house while working full-time and it's what works.

Up to you to do it though.

Very few men on this site ever man up enough to do this and unfortunately, your wives are attracted to real men, not wussy men that are afraid to anger them and stand up to them. But standing up to them is a requirement, if you can't stand up to her, how could you ever stand up for her should the need ever arise and she has lost faith in your ability to be a man and she is searching for your replacement and don't you doubt for one second that if she drops this OM that she doesn't have her sights on another one. Don't be fooled, these forums are littered with hundreds of examples of men that hung in there while their wives went from one man to another searching for a man while their husbands stayed at home praying for their wives to come to their senses. Your wives aren't crazy, autopilot systems have kicked in and are guiding your wive's actions because you have been displaying characteristics and traits that aren't attractive and are not masculine.

You are being disrespected, don't forget this.
Use the script I provided, be calm, cool, confident and don't be an a$$hole, say it like it's written and don't engage her in arguments or discussions, just follow it up with "I've made my decision" and walk away. Don't argue with her, you won't win, in fact, she'll turn it around and make you feel guilty for even attempting to stand up for yourself.

If she wants to be a "friend", tell her she can show you what a true friend is because lately her words and actions are congruent, she says one thing and does another. Question her, "would a friend have done this to me? I don't have any friends that would have disrespected me like this, I can't think of any and you're my wife, I expected better from you, it's unfortunate this had to happen but it's for the best."

Robx.. This I guess is what going the other direction is...
I know you rtried to spell this out on my thread, but the way you expressed this one, ya hit me in the head with a hammer!!.. lol.. Gotta laugh, its all I have right now..
Mike, great advice from these people on here... I am in a similar situation..

Just to be clear....

W became a stay at home Mom to care for our 3rd grade son before and after school. She spends her time making the house nice and clipping coupons to save money. She has no extravagent tastes and is not the typical shopper who comes home with bags upon bags of stuff.

She wants her needs fed by Cali guy and the stability of home life with me.

Out of curiousity, how am I being disrespected?

I provide for years but do so in an area which meant little to my wife - her needs were being neglected and while she slept at night, I made sure my needs were being met.

Fast forward years later and she is chatting it up with an old friend and took the conversation in a sexual direction. Now she is there, she finds that she has needs - she has been open throughout this entire process.

When I put my foot down to say either him or me, we evolved our relationship to a point where she said, "I want more out of my man and I shouldn't have to settle".



When we talked about seperation, we both agreed that our child would be adversely affected of Mom & Dad told him we were splitting up - we therefore, decided to keep status quo on the living arrangement and try to make ourselves better in the process.

For her, it is easier as she has been the one in pain for years and was already partially detached going into the last few weeks.

I am living the same lifesyle I was before - yet I have no guarantee from the wife that I will ever become the man she needs in her life - she wants someone more positive, more open.

Lastly - the relationship with the guy in California is as much about her fantasizing and rekindling her desire to know herself. She is not sleeping around and while she may have crossed that line with a long distance relationship, she is not flying out this weekend or anything like that. To her, the Cali guy is safe as he is married with kids and they are just 2 buddies talking.

Yes I'm clear on what you wrote,
this is still cake eating and you are enabling it and as such, she'll never have to do anything but continue to eat cake because you continue to bake and feed it to her.

Just to be clear.

Just to be clear.... kids are very perceptive.
You think a kid won't notice that mom and dad are faking a married relationship? All you're doing is teaching your kid that this is what a normal relationship is like. Is this the type of relationship you want your kid to have when they grow up? Do you want them to be cheated on and taken advantage of? If so, continue doing what you're doing, you can use all the fancy words in the world to explain to them what you're doing but it's actions, specifically your actions that they will learn from.

So if this is what you want your kid to learn and emulate when they grow up and have a relationship and get married, then continue doing this because you're teaching this to them.

You can tell your wife this part as well.

Kids aren't dumb.

In fact I think alot of kids are smarter than their parents.

Just to be clear.

Just to be clear, you've admitted and your wife has admitted that she isn't satisfied with you and doesn't want to settle. Since she can't have the "Cali-guy", what makes you think that she'll stop looking and won't look for something local? She stepped over that line before, she's already shown herself she has what it takes to look for something else. What makes you think she'll stop right there and leave it as is?

Just to be clear.

again - we live in Florida and she is chatting up an old friend who lives in California. She is using this relationship as a way to express herself and re-learn what it is like to be a woman.

Yes, she has told me that she would like to eventually meet this guy for a weekend of sex but there is no discussion of "I am ready to move out to Cali and move forward with him".

I realize its an open relationship she is looking for and I said, no way.

Upon that, she said, fine, we are just friends and if we happen to fall in love again, then that's great. If we don't ever fall in love again, we have some tough decisions to make with respect to our separation and the future of our son.

At this point, there is nothing stopping her from finding a local guy. I think she is infatuated with putting thoughts in an email and getting a response from an admirer.

There is a possibility it could escalate but I think she feels she is still "safe" - meaning, in her head, she has crossed a line but is not cheating.

""She wants the trappings of the stay at home mother life but she wants to be able to explore herself as an individual - to reconnect as a human being with other human beings."

This phrase is what I meant wasn't cake eating. Having the OM is. I was just referring to the phrase which he said was the cake-eating part.

Many of us can grow as individuals while in a R. It's just human nature.

It doesn't sound like she's still with the OM although that has got to be the lamest excuse I've ever heard with her equating the OM with his smoking. It's just a way of her to lessen the impact of what she did.