Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Marriage Downgraded to Good Friends on 2/5/10

You do a good job of looking inside yourself. That's a big positive.


Seems to me that it's a really good time to just allow things to rest a bit.


You've let your wife know that you don't approve of the ongoing relationship. In the end, she will do what she chooses to do. You have no control over that. And even if you wanted to tell her to "hit the curb," you can't legally compel her to move anyway.


There is work to be done on you. Presumably the same is true of your wife.


Chances are, if you can take your focus off of fixing the relationship, the two of you will find a common ground in the process of working on yourselves.


Got to get yourself to where you know you need to be though.


She fell for you once before, she can fall for you again. You've been damaged in her eyes because of the baggage over the years, but that doesn't mean that you can't regain some of the ground you've lost.


Pulling for you.


Blessings,

Bill

I buy into some of this man power dogma, but some of it is just way too much over the top.

For example,




I can agree with that one wholeheartedly. In fact, I think it's very consistent with DB'ing in that the only thing we can do when our spouse checks out on us is to look inside and see what changes need to made in us.

On the other hand..





I think this is the sign of an arrogant ass. It smacks of someone who invests little into their pursuits, just so that he can walk away easily. I don't know many people, men or women, who find such a person attractive.


Being a man is not about being a prick.

And being confident and assertive should not also mean dictatorial and unyielding.


The problem I have with this man-power routine is that it seems to sacrifice reason, understanding, empathy, and compassion for a prevailing sense of self and power.


There has to be a middle ground.


And let's not forget that not all situations are the same, nor can they all be handled with the same cookie-cutter approach. We should all be careful not to INSIST that someone must attempt to deal with their situations in the same way that we have dealt with ours.


Blessings,

Bill

Mike-

You have finally posted showing some reason and inner thought. You have noted some habits and actions that are very troubling. Those need to be dealt with prior to anything else.

At this point...I think your marriage is in the savable category, but first you need to deal with those skeletons. If your wife really wanted out....she wouldn't have told you about the EA. That was just your wake up call.

Slow down and think....this isn't a problem that you will fix fast or find the solution in over night...it takes time.

As far as the "manning up" advice....it might work and make her coming crying back to you. The truth is that in 6 months the same issues will surface again because you didn't address the heart of your issues....and you will be back here. There will be a time for it, but in your situation....by the time that comes I know Email guy will be long gone.

Thanks all.

I mistook the "man up" advice big time.

I am going to take some time away this weekend to put a smile on and keep my mouth shut.

Any advice on managing emotions or narcissism is appreciated. I did notice a lot of books geared to those in a relationship with a narcissist, but not much material for the narcissist to assist in reprogramming themselves.

I guess that is an oxymoron though as a narcissist wouldn't need to look elsewhere for help with their development.

Once again, I appreciate the support structure - have a good weekend all.

good point! lol

Why would a narcissist read a book about their problems? They don't have any...everybody else does. So that is why there is little reading material on the subject...LOL. Just by you being here asking for help shows that you are starting to deal with it.

Sit down this weekend by yourself....look at yourself objectively and make a list. The pro's, the con's, and the behaviors that you would say are narcissistic if you were somebody else. You seem like a goal oriented fellow...make a plan on how you are going to change your cons to pro's, how you are going to highlight the pro's you already have, and how you are going to truly conquer the narcissistic problems. You know how to do this in business...now apply it to working on yourself.

Managing Emotions-Only one way....Time

As far as "manning up"....it may have it's time, but now isn't it. So don't feel bad about applying it.....just understand that first things first....and right now you are first.

Bill you are welcome to your opinion.

If you're boss fired you from a job you worked at for several years, would you plead & beg for your job for several months or a year hoping for him to change your mind?

Your self-esteem is one of the most important things you have, if you let events in your life break you down instead of learning from them and moving on, how would you ever survive anything in life?

When a WAW rejects her husband, alot of husbands will cry, beg, plead for forgiveness and another chance because he is being rejected. And during this process of begging and pleading because of the rejection he is experiencing, what is the WAW feeling? Disgust, all feelings of attraction are gone, she wants to distance herself from this person because he is no longer someone she wants to be with.

The best thing to do is agree and move on, in fact doing so has a better chance of getting your marriage back on track than taking the rejection horribly.

Women are attracted to strong men.

Look at Soleil's thread on this forum, she was a WAW who left her husband and wanted divorce, her husband instead of begging and pleading for her to come back agreed with her, put her things out in front of the house, told her to come pick them up and wants to divorce her now and what is she doing, she second guessed her original view on her situation, wants to come back now and her husband is now playing hard to get, he doesn't want to play games, she didn't want him, he said fine go your way, I'll be happy without you and now she's trying to bust her divorce.

That's reality, like it or not.

Maybe the problem is that you don't feel comfortable with your own masculinity, maybe I'm wrong.

Also, in my post did it mention anything about being a prick or a dictator or unyeilding?

In fact I challenge you to look through alot of my posts, you will see that I specifically mention not being a prick or an a$$hole.

Maybe this is just misinterpretation of what is being posted.

How long did it take you to convince your wife that there has to be a "middle ground"?

You are using your own rules of logic to deal with a WAW who is in love with her feelings that are telling her to leave her husband.

Logic and emotion, how well does that work?

How many husbands have spent so much time trying to "reason" with their WAW's, to be logical, to convince their wives that their marriages are worth saving, to consider the family and the children, etc.

And in reality, how many of these LBH's are successful when trying to deal with a WAW who is in love with her feelings which are telling them to leave and divorce their husbands and pursue other men?

And you're right, not all situations are the same.
But men are men and women are women and I start from that base and work my way up the chain and use reality as my guide. You don't have to agree with my methods Bill, in fact, no one does.

That's the beauty of an online forum like this,
free advice.

My only point is that just as much as WAW's have a "script" and pattern to how they do things, most LBH's follow their own "script" with how they do things, my advice is to stop following the play book that produces no results.

I say take a break from all of this for a week,
take care of yourself, focus on yourself instead of your wife and your relationship problems.

Go to the gym, blow off some steam.
Go shopping, pick up some new jeans, a new shirt, a new pair of kicks, maybe get a haircut and invest in yourself and feel what it means to be internally validated - making yourself feel good. Focus on relaxing, go get a massage, go out with your buddies, get a drink, loosen up, do something fun with the kids.

Come back in a week when your batteries are a bit recharged and then start working on turning things around.

Based on some threads that are running months if not years, a week off from this place isn't going to kill you, in fact it may give you the much needed break you require to look at this with a fresh pair of eyes and a new perspective.

Take a break before you burn out literally.