Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis What should I do?

She probably isn't open to seeing any changes in you right now. But she might if she sees them on a consistent basis time after time after time. Which it seems you have the luxury of since she's told you HER timeline.

Eric,
This may sound harsh but you've got some work to do my friend. Every one of the questions you asked sounds like someone who is paralyzed by fear. Seems you are questioning every move you make. Your driving yourself nuts.

Go back and work on yourself. You have mentioned that you were controlling. Did you just white knuckle through this? Generally people are controlling for a reason. Have you addressed those reasons?

Use this as a learning and growing experience. Live the life you want to live. Then invite your W to join you. Hopefully she has worked on herself enough to appreciate what she has in you.

Jack - if I knew how to show her I would do it. Whatever it takes I just don't know how to what to show her. How can i try and get her to tell me I am not suppose to bring up R convo?

C-Bart
Thanks. I have worked on myself - trust me. Been in see a C since this began. I have identifed all my issues and the cause of them. In one way you are correct in that I am operating a little bit from fear but it is the fear that I do not want to do anything to make matters worst for me. I want to make sure that the actions I take are both for me and in the hope of restoring a marraige. I was also pretty selfish during the whole marragie, which is why right now I try and sit tight and let her drive but it does drive me a little crazy in taht I feel like I have no idea what i could do to make/see an improvement.

IF those improvements come, you aren't going to see them overnight, but over time AND they will be slow.

If you were controlling before, try and work with her on the finances. Focus on non-relationship things like co-parenting. Be very tuned into yourself and your actions. If something is getting to you walk away and focus internally. This is a good test for you and will help you grow.

C-Bart - I have not exploded or even demonstrated any negative feeling towards her but I feel like she now thinks that I may be a push over and that it is okay for her to continue to have a EA. I do feel that I am growing but will admit I am lacking on the patience side of things. Please check in on my thread from time to time - trust me I need the support right now.

Jack - but I don't know what improvements I am looking for. Outside of the controlling thing I am not sure what else to look for. It seems like she has totally checked out so I am not sure if I should take a different tack. Please check in on my thread from time to time I value your comments (not to mention I think your a riot).

Again she is depressed. There is nothing YOU can control to make her undepressed. If you have been controlling the last thing you want to do is to try to control her depression! That will backfire.
You can be friendly but be detached. Give her space. She needs to work this out on her schedule. Not yours. This is not something that is going to get fixed fast.

When I asked if you read the resources I am trying to get through to you what this process is. How long it takes. You need patience.

That is why you have to GAL and work on yourself.

You can do this!

I was referring to any changes or improvements in her.

In you?

Be consistent. Nothing says wishy-washy like someone who changes from week to week in how they handle their spouse.

PS - thanks for the riot comment. : )