MSH, have you done little things like re-decorate the house, re-arrange furniture, paint, etc. I noticed indirect "moving on" things like this always got the attention of my W. Just curious.
More pain for both my kids tonight and I have to deal with it. I was pretty angry a little earlier but kept it in the road which is good, I have been wheening myself off (Dr. Psych. approved) of a medication that helps me take a pause before react. I have not taken a half pill in 3 days. I was down from a full pill everyday to half everyday to half every other and the last I had was 3 days ago. This is one of the positives for me tonight.
I am proud of how I have handled both situations tonight, I am feeling more in control but I still have some serious crap to deal with on my plate.
My W had my S9 for dinner tonight and when she brought him home they came in the through the garage. D13 and I were sitting in kitchen, and earlier my D asked me twice if mom was coming in the house when she drops S9 off. I said no. Well I caught my wife in the laundry room and had to tell her not to come in b/c D13 was in the kitchen. My W and I need to talk about the logistics of the next 2 days for S9 to see her and spend the night with her, so I closed the laundry room door behind me and talked to W for 3-4 minutes. She left, (I did compliment her on perfume she had on, she smiled and thanked me.)
Came back in and D13 started quizing me quite disrespectfully about; Why was she here? Why was she in the house? She doesn't deserve to be in this house, she chose to leave, she can't come here any more!! etc. etc. (S9 is on the couch, tired and also sad, I can tell) I get S9 to go upstairs to get ready for bed. I sat down with D and told her she had every right to be mad but she needed to get the anger out more constructively or use some of the techniques that therapist suggested. D13 is still pissed and kept on "telling me" that she can't come over here anymore. I had to get firm with her but not angry myself and let her know that mom is going to have to be here from time to time b/c of S9 and also I will determine who can and can't be in the house. I did not go much further with my D13 b/c of the subject and she is still mad but is respecting me which is good.
Second problem with my S9 is a book that he is having to read in school called "Amber Brown Wants Extra Credit" about a girl that is dealing with parents being divorced and you guessed it.....her mom is dating another man. My S9 is very upset about having to read this book, he is scared that his mom is going to do that. Wow, I am wanting to pick up the phone and call my W and rip her a new one, ready to go into the school and cut loose on my son's teacher (I am going in tomorrow morning to have a discussion). I told him that I don't know what is going to happen with Mom and Dad but he will still be in his house and have his friends and he will still go to his school, and that both of us love him no matter what and he does not have to read this book anymore.
Sorry this post is going on forever.
He is very upset and as I type this he is asleep on the couch b/c he wants to be close to me. My D13 is up in her bedroom madder than a wet hornet, and I am trying not to react in the wrong way or at all. I feel like my family is being ripped to shreds by my W and I want to tell her what she is doing.
My other concern here is that my S9 is going to quiz my W on her dating other men and she is going to think that I told him about her behavior. I did not say anything to him but now that he has read part of this book is he going to start to put it all together and also is he going to ask my D13 about whether or not mom is "dating"?
THIS IS WHERE I NEED THE FEEDBACK, I HOPE SOME OF YOU MAKE IT THIS FAR ON THIS POST.
Do I talk to my W about the book? Do I tell her how I am feeling? Do I tell my D13 about the book and ask her to lie to S9 if he asks about Mom. (He is well aware that D13 hates Mom but does not know why and he wants to know) I am not upset anymore but do I tell W that I am not sheilding her bad decisions anymore. I am trying to be her friend and or be friendly but this issue brings up the whole effing thing. I can be friendly but I don't know how friendly I can be about her dating other men and talking to her about it.
Last edited by missherlove; 02/12/1004:19 AM.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Just brain storming here. S9 is talking with mom right? Why can't he talk to her about the book. I think it would be fair for her to field this questions, no? You could be very nice and give your W a heads up and let her know to put on her big girl panties.
Not sure if that's the best thing to do or not. I'm a little tiered of holding the bag for everything and it sounds like you are as well. Just remember you also get to see the rewards and there will be many.
BTY..Great job on the meds.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Its those good couple of days that are helping me get through today. Not that the days have been that good, actually they have been very hard, but I feel like I'm making progress on myself.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
C-bart, It sounds like you have made months of progress on yourself or at least some realizations about yourself. I will have to go for now my D13 wants to talk which is good but it is late. I will have to catch you tomorrow or on the alt on the weekend. Hang in there.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
MSH, the sitch with your kids is getting complicated. I wish I could give you some solid advice to help. You know this but I would try to remove them from the sitch as much as possible. The problem is your W does not seem to be helping with this and is putting all of this on your shoulders and that is very wrong.
I wonder if it would be helpful to take the kids away for a week or so and get them out of this sitch for awhile. I feel what your W is doing is borderline child abandonment. I she even trying to have some R with D13?
Hey DW, I had just posted in C-bart's thread also and I will reiterate here. Last night I was so tore up with the entire thing and the negative impact it is having on the kids and I was getting pissed at her.
12 - 24 hours later and I am okay, my son is doing okay and life is moving on. What is funny is that my W is actually IMO starting to open up more, so the anger I was feeling last night was just continued fallout from a sitch that is going to take time no matter what happens.
D13 calmed down last night late and I am going to communicate with her therapist to find out better ques to give my D when she is experiencing frustration and anger. (Problem/my action/ solution) and I did not train wreck any progress my W has made.
S9 is going to be sad no matter what happens, I need to be his Rock so he can anchor on. If I want his sitch to have the possibility of his mom coming home then me going off on her is not going to aid in that no matter how right I am about what she is doing that is tearing apart the family. Patience I have. It is especially hard to have that patience when it comes to your children's pain. You want to make it go away instantly and almost anything I would say to my W would just prolong the pain for everyone. I am back in the "deep thoughts" mode here.
I went to the school this morning and my S9's teacher was more than receptive and accomodating to my request for him to be able to read another book, Done....no problem.
I am thinking about showing the book to my W though b/c last night S9 expressed concern that if mom started dating other men then that would mean in his mind that D is definitely going to happen and the wonderful book reinforces that conclusion. (I could go off on the books in our school systems but that would be inflamatory to say the least, will let that dog lay there)I was thinking of letting her read it and draw her own conclusions.
On the otherhand I could say nothing and see if he brings it up to her. Her major complaint about me right now is that I make her out to be the bad guy, which I don't do even though she is IMO the person responsible for the pain we are all in. My only concern here is that she will think that I told him about her dating other men.
Taking suggestions and any fresh cut lumber to the head if needed.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
On the otherhand I could say nothing and see if he brings it up to her.
I like this option. You need to detach and stay away from the spew and venom.
Try not to engage her unless it is neccessary to protect your kids. Even then try to keep it to a minumum
For the record I have been NC with my W for close to 6 months so the fact that we are talking and going on a date is truly amazing. And we have been sleeping in the same bed NC! Also this just could be a touch and go with my W. Why I have to keep expectations low!
