Do you not see the contradiction in your thinking?
The marriage is over. The only thing keeping us together right now is the mental stability of our child and the fact that neither of us ever wanted a D.
Originally Posted By: stuck808
So your vows of being each others one and only partner is not an enforceable position because you feel that you have become "inadequate" for her needs.
The habits I have shown her and the ones I have implemented are at 180 to each other. Would you believe such a change to be manufactured or genuine?
Originally Posted By: stuck808
How so? He is not a permanent fixture. You are just allowing him to be.
This is an issue in which either 1) she will stop for my comfort, 2) I will stop being concerned about it, or 3) we will both recognize that it is nothing to be concerned with and move on with our lives - she able to have a friendship with anyone she pleases realizing she has committed, or re-committed to her vows.
Originally Posted By: stuck808
So for the sake of argument. If your son wanted to experiment with drugs, women of questionable attitudes, etc., you would allow him to because he should be allowed to explore his needs and desires.
Hmmm if I were a woman or your son, I'd like to be your W or child. No offense.
You are absolutely correct. If I live my life like this ongoing, then I am living a lie myself.
This IS the lie we have been living for the past 2-3 years. I have made it known that I intend to work hard at becoming a better person. She cannot buy into that as I have made that promise many times in the past. We need time to see that changes are being made so she can then see that the commitment is genuine.
I think the point that I am missing in this whole thing - we will never get on the road to recovery if I do not completely detach and begin to forge ahead for myself as myself and not someone who is altering or changing for the acceptance of another.
Yes, I do need support and counsel as I know my way is but of one perspective out there.
My spouse has been asking all of our married life - 16 years - for me to stop smoking because its that important to her.
In turn, I tried a few times but never delivered or followed through on a consistent barrage of methods.
Smoking is something I need to get rid of in my life if I ever expect to get back with my W. The fact is, she will no longer be with a smoker in her future life.
Shouldn't I eliminate smoking as I had previously eliminated self-pleasure - to demonstrate to her AND MYSELF that, yes, I can be the person I need myself to be?
or is this a matter of steps and I am putting the steps in the wrong order?
From what I hear you saying: 1. enforce your perspective as a man 2. refine your perspective to become better 3. attract the woman you would like to spend forever with
Whereas I am operating in a 2, 3, 1 manner.
Why does it have to be 1,2,3 when we have been living at step 0 (do nothing) all along for the past 2-3 years?
I think as long as you are working on yourself before working on the R/M- that is the correct line of attack.
I always thought- problems in my R/M: -lack of intimacy -lack of connection -lack of quality time
So like a moron, I try to correct those issues. Problem is my W had lost respect for me- so I would have to fix myself before I could address those problems.
If you're having a hard time w/ smoking- now might not be the time, so consult your doctor...but chantix is a great way to quit.
Ironically, I had not smoked for nearly a year then picked up a month after the bomb.
If I continue to smoke, I continue to put my needs in front of all others within my life.
If I free myself from the bonds of nicotine, I create awareness within my own life that I can change to espouse a healthier, more advantageous perspective - for myself and all others around me.
The porn, self-gratification, stopping what I am doing and thinking of ways to spend time with my family, the grooming, etc has all been easy to affect in a positive way.
Smoking though is at the heart of the problem which is preventing myself from letting go and just doing for the consideration of my own health and for the people in my life.
I go on the patch today and will continue to repeat to myself that destructive habits are just that, destructive.
Using your logic, she no longer respects me as a man, so until I begin operating as a man, we have no hope to build a new relationship.
Do I have it or am I getting closer to the dynamics at play here?
When you become a real man, your self-esteem will be high & intact enough that you will not worry about "hoping" to build a new relationship, if she wants to be with you, she will pursue you at that point. Plain & simple.
When you become a real man, your self-esteem will be high & intact enough that you will not worry about "hoping" to build a new relationship, if she wants to be with you, she will pursue you at that point. Plain & simple.
That is simple, and elegant.
I think what you are conveying is: living together in the similar environment is a huge obstacle in my self-development as her sheer presence is enough to give me false hope as to why I am making these changes in the first place.
Its like I am trying to take baby steps based on what I want while you are guiding me on taking a leap based on what I need.
As much as I hold onto my dream of making myself attractive and reeling my friend in to become my wife again, I realize I am approaching the problem from all the wrong angles.
I need to stand up for myself and free myself of obstacles standing in the way of living and thinking for myself.
I just took the leap of faith and told me wife that our present arrangement is not fair to me as it constitutes living the same life which we both have established was less than fulfilling for both of us.
I delivered my peace and held my head up high not fearing the outcome.
She teared throughout our conversation - either because she realizes that she cannot have her cake and eat it too or because she sees that living a selfish existence presnets tough challenges ahead of her.
she no longer respects me as a man, so until I begin operating as a man, we have no hope to build a new relationship.
BINGO!!!!
Took me more than two pathetic years to learn this. Took two or three months to straighten things out once I did. Of everything I've seen; getting balls, conquering your fear and standing up for yourself is the ONLY thing that has worked around here. Will it work for you? I dunno, but the success stories here all have finding your strength and being willing to walk (or toss their butts out) as a common component.
Quote:
I just took the leap of faith and told me wife that our present arrangement is not fair to me as it constitutes living the same life which we both have established was less than fulfilling for both of us.
Not the most manly way to state it but it is a step in the right direction.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
