DestinyUnknown, sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is.
Originally Posted By: DestinyUnknown
Does any LBS feel as though the WAS is really hurting inside, even if they won't admit it?
Absolutely. I know that my H is in a lot of pain, and he even admitted it when he was in crisis when he separated from us. And it's infuriating that they don't seem to be dealing with it. But that's not our problem right now...it's theirs, as hard as it is to watch.
Here are some guidelines that sandi posted in my thread when I was new:
Quote:
I often give this list to newcomers as a guide or work plan b/c it is a summery of DB's 180's. Hope it will help.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Destiny Unknown:- Again, thank you to everyone here that understands. It is V-Day (not really important), but the BS has got to stop.
Unfortunately, this is really funny to me because I feel the same way. I'm sad to tell you that the BS is not going to stop any time soon. The question then becomes what can you do not to get sucked into the BS if you decide to wait it out in the meantime?
My advice is go back to the links that I gave you. The Detach link specifically. This is the first step of what you have to do.
You must get away from the fight. Take a deep breath and calm yourself down. After you are more calm then you must start looking for GAL activities. The focus must come off your H and onto YOU.
You are responsible for worrying about You. You can only control yourself. You can not control your husband and he cannot control you.
There is a post somewhere here about being in quicksand, maybe someone else can find it for you I can't locate it right now. The general idea behind it is that you can't jump into the quicksand and save the person that is sinking. You need sticks and stones(GAL and 180's) to help him and yourself.
You are right. I need to get a grip!!!! My thoughts are constantly on my H. I can do this. This is just the hardest thingto do by walking my own line.
Thanks again.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I am sorry that you are in the position but you have recieved some very good advice and trust me...you need to follow it. I've listed below some of my mistake - please do not make the same ones. I'm still somewhat new to this so take some of this with a grain of salt.
1) Do not pursue - I did this for the first few months and trust me... it made it worst. You really do come across as needy and no one wants to feel obligate to satisfy your needs.
2) Do not call - that means text as well. Another scenarios that shows that you are needy. Right now they cannot respond to your emotional needs and may not be able to for a while.
3) Do not reminde them of the good time. Oh...did i try this. Backfired big time. I tried to point out all of the good, unfortunatly I was not prepared to hear all of the bad. You see right now all they see is the bad. They use this to justify thier actions. So trust me this will not work. For the record, I recieve the bomb 3 months after a surprise trip to New Orleans that I planned. In her mind, the trip almost never happened.
4) Do not follow around the house - Boy did I do this. I kept trying to look for a sign that W may be having a change of heart. All you will find when you do this thought is that they "appear" happy, which is going to make you feel worst.
5) Talking about the future - In my case, I allowed my W to do this and then fed into thinking that she was giving me a "sign" of things to come. I'll be honest with u that I still struggle with this one. But as everyone will tell you on this board - you need to detach.
6) Family & Friends - Yep I did this as well. My in-laws adore me and what they recieved from W (when they told her she was crazy and that she should give this time) was that she was done and they needed to respect her choice. What this did was make her "reaffirm" her position, which u want to avoid doing at all cost. Your IC or MC will tell you this as well.
8) Gifts - A big no no. I failed at this as well. I understand that you may want to purchase something for them. If the urge is that bad then do something very generic. For example, istead of buying flowers for W on V-Day I pick up a book for her. No card, nothing that had any sort of emotional type feel. In hindsight I should have purchased nothing but as I said earlier I am still new to this.
9) Dates - Did this as well. I no longer do it..not for her but for me. You will find that the more you set up an expectation, the pain of rejection you will feel, which will impact your ability to heal and make it thru this.
10) Spying - Similar to the above - trust me you probably do not want to find out what may be going. Ask yourself this one question - if you knew would it make a difference? Would you run out and file? Probably not otherwise you would not be here. I did this as recently as a few weeks ago and trust me it is not worth it.
11 - Love u - I did this too. I did for a few days about a month or two into this. Trust me it does not work.
12 thru 14 - The moving on has been the hardest part for me. You probably feel like you are abandoning your S but really what you are doing is finding your inner strength that you will need. So your probably saying how do I do this? You do it the best way you can. You come to these boards and find comfort and guidance from the folks that have dealt with this longer than you or I have. Trust me when I tell you that you will need to do this.
15) Convo - I'll tell you something that I have not posted...I actually focused for about a week on not talking to S or keeping it to a min. and when I say min. think Hi and Bye only. What i found is that W started a convo about a week later. It was not much - more about her job but what it showed me is that they are interested in trying to see where your "head is at". As expected when your new to this, I backslide and interpreted the little conversation as hope. My advise to you is do not read into anything. If they chat take for just that a chat. Do not get overly excited just stay your course.
16) Aking whereabouts - It will stink to do this but trust me. If you want to heal you need to stop asking. I did this and was told it was none of my business. So what did i achieve..oh.. some more pain.
Destiny - I can go on and on but I guess what I want to tell you is to follow these rules to the T. I have pretty much broken every single one of them and trust me, any attempt that you think you can use will probably not work. As everyone has said - this is something that they need to go thru.
God Bless you and please know that I and a lot of others are here for you.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Welcome to the most wonderful place on the earth...you are going to get the chance to refind your center....Like OP said...the first step is detaching. Then from there you will grow...I kid you not.
Don't look at this as it is hell......You are embarking on a journey that most don't take.
I know...you are shaking your head in disbelief....I have been in your shoes....I know the outcome if you want it.
Below is the analogy that OP was referring to. It was written to me on my thread from C-Bart and it is great! I'm sorry that I haven't figured out how to do the quote thing yet. Am working on it, but wanted to make sure you got this.
"The only analogy I can give you is of someone sinking in quick sand. If you panic and try and pull him out you will get sucked down with him. Your are no good to anyone standing in the same hole. Go look for some sticks and ropes(self improvements) but for God's sakes stay away from the hole."
Below is the analogy that OP was referring to. It was written to me on my thread from C-Bart and it is great! I'm sorry that I haven't figured out how to do the quote thing yet. Am working on it, but wanted to make sure you got this.
Quote:
"The only analogy I can give you is of someone sinking in quick sand. If you panic and try and pull him out you will get sucked down with him. Your are no good to anyone standing in the same hole. Go look for some sticks and ropes(self improvements) but for God's sakes stay away from the hole."
Take Care.
SA
PS How its done is by hitting reply, use the quotes 4th box from the right. Copy and paste the text between the quote marks.
