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Just finished the conversation with H about the selling of the house and the issues the kids were having. My D9 was finally able to get some answers from her dad, instead of his usual “I Love you” or “I don’t know”. That is what he usually says to her when she asks him when he will come home, and why he wants to sell the house.

I did bring up the suggestion of having him come and live back home to help the kids feel more secure about what is going on in their lives. I made the mistake of bringing this up while D9 was still in the room )-: Needless to say, H got very angry and was mad that I would bring that up in front of the kids. He felt I did it so that the kids could hear him say “I can’t come home” and then they would blame him and not realize it was both of us. I didn’t get emotional when I realized what I had done, and quickly corrected it with D9 and let her know that both Mom and Dad said things that hurt each other and that Dad was feeling hurt and that is why he didn’t want to come home. I think that made H feel a little better, but I could still see the anger in his face.

Before he left, he started to talk about R. He asked me “You really don’t think were done?” I said, “No” and that I was just trying to give him his space as he asked. Then I said “I care for you deeply, and want you to be happy. I’m using this time apart to work on myself to become a better person”. Then for once, I shut up and let him talk. Of course, he didn’t say a whole lot, but I repeated what he would say and did a lot of validating with “I’m sorry you feel that way, I understand”. He did say that every time he is around me I say or do stuff that makes him mad, and convinces him that it will never work between us. I didn’t get emotional and again just validated. However, this did tell me, that I need to stick with the 180’s. LRT, and “act as if” when he is around. I have to learn to be patient and make every encounter count.

I'm feeling better today. Man those last couple days really did a number on me. I will see H again tonight, and I just plan on a simple "Hi, how are you". When I keep it simple like that he seems to be a little happier around me.

I think one of my biggest obstacles right now, is the snooping. I don't know why I feel it is so important for me to find out for sure if there is OW or not. I know that it is out of my control if there is, but there is that nagging feeling that I have to know for sure. But if I did, I don't think it would change my mind about trying to save the M.

Hey mb28,
Sorry I did not get back online last night, I was wiped out from all the stress of my on sitch.

I am very proud of you, great job last night, make sure and write down in a calendar or a journal what you did and how it made a difference!!!! I used to hate writing and reading now I can't get enough of either. When you write down what you did differently it is validating to yourself that you are changing and you are making yourself a better person. Also make sure you write down the positive responses from your H. No need to write down the negatives there will always be plenty of those.



WOW, you have come along way already!! Remember, don't believe anything they say and half of what you see. This is like anything you have to work hard for, once you see a little progress you want to work harder at it. Just remember this is a 26 mile marathon not a 100 yard dash, working harder in this sitch is learning to be patient, Patient, PATIENT. Your H is going to try your patience everyday and sometimes you are going to have to walk away or do something different, when you do it one time successfully then it gets easier. Let us know how tonight goes, I know you are going to do great. YOU WILL SUCCEED!!!!

Tonight wasn't too bad; again, I held my emotions at bay. I did make the mistake of asking him where he goes every night, I reminded him that just a few days ago he told me “We are still married, and it is each other’s business where we go” of course that was because I was going out Saturday night, and he wanted to know where and with whom. Its funny how he thinks that is one sided, he is allowed to know where I am at all times, but I don’t get to know where he is.

He did tell me that he is still really mad at me for the conversation last night, where I brought up the suggestion of him moving back home in front of the kids. I just apologized, and told him that my intent was not to upset the kids or him. In addition, I agreed that my timing could have been better. He then said, “I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t think you really want to be with me”. I responded with “I care for you deeply and want you to be happy. I would like that to be with me, but if it’s not that is ok too. I would like us to use this separation as a time to work on ourselves. I’ve even thought about asking you if you would like to start dating, maybe dinner or movie with no R talk” He really didn’t respond, and I just told him that I was just throwing that out there and he would have to decide if he wanted to do that or not. I’m not sure if that was a good idea, but at least I did it with an upbeat attitude. He then said, “Maybe we should just file for D now”. I asked if that is what he wanted, and of course, he didn’t reply. I told him that I understand that I have been controlling in the past, and if he wants to file I would not stop him. That is when he left.

One of my 180’s from now is to stop trying to convince him to move back home. In fact, today, I found some cheaper apartments for rent and sent him the ads. In addition, told him that I think if we really work on a tight budget, we could afford for him to get his own place for a while. I think that surprised him.

I would love to hear others opinion on the above: 2x4’s or positives, anything would be helpful.

Just a quick drive by but I did notice that you admitted to him that one of your past bad behaviors was controlling.


That said it's controlling to send him ads for an apartment. That's his business and he needs to take care of it. Let him deal with his issues. I am not trying to 2x4 you but it is seen as controlling to the WAS if you suggest or help them with stuff like that.

sandycay
Thanks for the 2x4, they really do help. I'm a fixer/controller and it's hard for me to know when to help him and when not too.

The hardest part for me right is detaching and partcipating in R/D talk every time he brings it up. I really need to learn to tell him not now, I don't want to talk about it.

Hi mb28, our sitches are somewhat similar. And like me you're probably still in shock and full of confusion. Like you I don't know if there's an OW involved (I have no reason to believe so, except the circumstances).

I've also had the problem of doing too much helping/facilitating of H before and during the separation. I dunno, maybe we could imagine that they are on drinking binges...would we offer them a bottle of whiskey while they are on a drinking binge? Of course not. And we shouldn't make it convenient/easy for them to abandon their marriages without exhausting all the avenues for resolution. I'm trying to tell myself that.

Maybe like me, you're still figuring out what a 180 is for you. I'm thinking of using this test: when I think about doing something or saying something, would H think to himself "that's typical" or would he think "that's strange/unusual"?

I'm sorry to read that selling your home may be necessary. In my case, I am desperately hoping that that won't be necessary because I really want my children to have the continuity of the same physical home during this confusing time. But I know that sometimes there's no other choice.

Need some advice about asking my H to reconsider putting the house up for sale right now.

When he first left 6 weeks ago, he mentioned putting the house up for sale. Moreover, I told him no, we didn’t need to right away. He said he didn’t want to live at his moms for very long and that he wanted his own place, that he feels homeless. BTW, I have asked him to move back home. He says “NO”, with no hesitation and in his mind I kicked him out and I’ve hurt him so bad, that he can’t come back to that.

A few weeks ago, in trying to do a 180, when he brought up putting the house up for sale again I said yes. It did catch him off guard and he was very surprised at my agreement. Sense then he has called the realtor and he is coming over this coming up Monday.

Sense that conversation, I have told H that if he really wants his own place and is willing to get a cheap 1 bedroom apt. I think we can figure out away to manage that financially. However, he would have to go over the finances with me and agree on what to cut out, because it would put us on a tight budget. Well he is coming over this Sunday so we can go over the money.

Here is my dilemma. I want to ask him to reconsider putting the house up for sale just yet. However, I’m not sure that is a good idea, sense I had already agreed. I don’t want the added stress of the house being for sale, plus my D9 is having a harder time with the possibility of losing her house then she is with dad being gone. Please any advice with this one.

mb28, we're both dealing with new situations and I've gone along with things that I'm reconsidering now as well. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, your children need you to be an advocate for them. My parenting goal right now is creating as little change as possible for them for the time being. Having their father moved out has rocked their world already, losing their physical home would really add to their stress and I would avoid that if you possibly can. I would suggest saying, "I'd like us to reconsider the idea of selling the house. I've thought about it and I realize that it's not what's best for the children right now. Regardless of what's going on in our marriage, they deserve to have their home base maintained as a safe place for them if at all possible. Moves are very stressful for children, and they don't need the added stress of that. We have time to figure out the finances."

I'm not sure if this is a postive or not, I hate to read anything into something that is nothing. On Thursday H called me to tell me he had been in a minor car accident. He was in a company truck, so there was no reason for him to inform me of it as far as our insurance. This is how the conversation went:

H: Hi, I was just in a minor vendor bender
Me: Oh no, are you ok? Are the other people ok? What happened?
H: Gives me the details of the accident
Me: Did you get a ticket?
H: No, police not called. We just exchanged insurance info.
Me: Are you sure your ok?
H: Yes, I just wanted to let you know because I'm sure you'll hear about it
Me: Ok, I'll talk to you later, bye.

Not sure if this is a postive that he called to tell me about something that happened to him or not. I hate getting my hopes up for something that really doesn't mean anything. But maybe this would be considered a babystep, not sure.