Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again One day at a time....

All I could do yesterday was to go with the flow, H is on AD's but still had a very low day as you know, he went very quiet and non communcative. That and the fact I had to stay in the same room as him as it was the only one with heating really pushed me to the limit. It would have been easy to give him complete peace but on the other hand would have looked as if I was being distant, so I opted for quiet but attached, we cuddled watching a movie and that seemed to do the trick. Think total detachment can some times seem cold, we can detach the bit of us that wants to fix things but attach the normal affection and kindness we would give them.. dont know if that makes sense.

RW-I am feeling for you! How can you not just want to come to his rescue? I am sure it hurts seeing him that way! Wish I knew what to tell you. You have come so far and yes, you do deserve to be valued, wanted and pursued! All I can tell you to do is to keep on doing what you are doing cause it has obviously been working and you have been such an inspiration to us all!

I just found a note that I had written to H while cleaning out some papers, I assume it was around the time that my Dad had passed away and reading it made me sick to my stomach! THAT came from me? I must have been upset with him as it went something like this "I hope that I can count you to keep the house cleaned up while I am gone, it is the least you can do for me" and then "don't drive the hot rod here because it uses too much gas". I have no clue what I was upset about but felt like I was acting like a mother instead of a wife... I am not blaming myself as we both had our faults in the marraige but am wondering how many times I wrote notes like that and how much did I act more like a mother than a wife to him?

I guess I am just thinking that when we try to rescue or solve their problems, we are being more like a mother than a wife??? Just my thoughts...

Confused Wife:

I like the points you make about how trying to rescue and solve cause problems and can create the impression that one is like a bossy teacher or Mom. Seems like a delicate balance. But also something that can come from hectic, stressful living. I can remember being spoken to as if I was a child by my H at times too. It's stress and exasperation talking too sometimes and it seems both people need to be conscious of that to fix things. Yet if you point that out, then you are being bossy and a fixer. So Catch-22.

You are so right rr22. It is not like HE didn't ever treat me like a child or make me feel stupid. I guess it is in how it is delivered...we both did it. Yes, it is a catch 22!

Hi Rabbit, CW and rr22,

My IC pointed out to me that rescuing and fixing behaviors are actually controlling behaviors... and, yes, very much like a parent. At some of the worst points of our sitch, my H would accuse me of being like his mother, which hurt so deeply. His mother is a person who has huge anger issues and is not very emotionally healthy. Never, in our 19 years of M did he ever before accuse me of this. I talked with his sister about it at the time and she was appalled, as her perspective is that, personality wise I am about as different from their mother as anyone could be. OW is actually much more like their mother. But, in talking since, my H was able to say that he was feeling like I was "mothering" him at the time. Very different!

Anyway, it is part of my own journey in all this to stop that, detach more. But, Rabbit, as you said, in piecing you can't totally detach... and finding that line in between is tough. Still struggling there.

RW

There will be days like this andthere will be brighter days. You are doing such a brave thing in piecing your M. Let H walk his journey, you can't do it for him. Somethings he has to do for himself as much as you'd like to fix it. Some loads we have to bear so that we can learn from them. Just lethim know you are there if he needs help.

I really commend you Rocked. M is such a important blessing and to be highly respected. It can be truly beautiful if we take the tie to get it right. You are taking the time. I love that your H is feeling true remorse. That speaks volumes.

((((Rocked))))

Hi Rocked

Sorry I haven't been posting but I have been following. Busy with the party stuff. I haven't forgotten about my promise on the book, will get it out to you this week.

Re: rescuing and fixing being controlling...yes, I totally agree. I think if more people understood this it would help them to let go of the behaviors. I know that once I saw it that way it helped me. I still struggle a bit but at least I can now analyze the sitch, ask myself what it would accomplish, and just back off. It is hard.

I don't know about not being able to totally detach. The way I understand detachment is that it's not about not having a connection, it's about personal responsibility. You can still be open and connected with H, but not basing your own happiness on him. Does that make sense?

Rocked...

Your IC sounds really good. My H sometimes tells me I'm just like MY mother, whom he is close with... But says it like it's bad. I guess we'll never completely understand them!

I still vote for a nice yellow house by the beach, for all of us cool mom's, and our kids, and we can let the H's visit when WE choose...!!!



Just checking in!

Kara,
Thanks so much for the encouragement! Sometimes I think I just need to hear someone remind how good this is... to walk through this journey to honor this M and my family. I truly believe in what I am doing and I do know there is hope... I just need to be reminded in the down days. p.s. are you in the alt yet?

Pearl,
no worries... I understand... parties are important! I really appreciate your offer about the book so don't feel obligated. You are awesome!
I like the way you explained detachment. I am going to read that over a few times and let it sink in. I think that is an important distinction.


Mind,
You rock! You never fail to make me smile, even on my down days. Love your idea! Let's make it happen!

MF - Can I come visit the yellow beach house even if I'm not a mom? I won't stay long because all the kids will drive me crazy, but an occasional cocktail would be fun!

RW - keep rereading the detachment article on Livestrong. It helps with the distinction.