our marriage was never perfect. it was good. he is a great father and a wonderful husband. when he is himself...
why would he be so stuck on divorce? the issues that we do/did have are so simply fixable. it is killing me that he would throw it all away.
Lost, that is why I believe that MLC is a real thing. I could say the same thing about our M and my H. Our marriage was good, not perfect, but nothing major wrong. He was a great H and father.
I am fortunate in that my H has actually only ever brought up D in a roundabout way a couple of times and that hasn't been for months. I got the speech about him feeling trapped and suffocated here. Yet he is still here and things have improved.
Really, limiting contact at this point (sounds like you have been) and trying not to focus on him are so important.
Whatever you do, do NOT bring up any talk of D or your relationship at all. Let him spin. I know, the idea of D can be terrifying and its repercussions. For me, one thing that helps calm me down when I do get that fear is that many other people have lived through it and life goes on and can be great again.
sorry, I did respond but the computer seems to have eaten my reply. What comes after the withdrawal? First they stew a bit, and then they start the 'touch and go'. They may rant or complain a bit and then see how you react. If you can be serene and listen and they find you 'safe' they may open up more. What often happens though is that they run away again for a while (that is the 'go'part of the whole thing). However, if things went well, they gradually start to trust you again and will share more of their feelings. It is all part of the healing process. I believe that part of them knows how bad they are acting and they fear a reprimand (which often times is warranted) but you have to try to look beyond that and just let them spew.
Don't bring up divorce, I think the MLC thinks it is like a trap door they can fall through to get away from it all. You have to give him space to work on things without having to resort to that.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Forever is right on again. Though my H hasn't expressed it for a long time now, I am sure in his head D is at least an option he thinks should he choose. And I completely understand your feelings of frustration about not being given any type of chance given at all. That was (and still is) the huge hurdle for me post bomb. Okay, so the marriage was so bad according to him(history rewritten) but yet he wasn't willing to work on it at all, go see a C, anything? Really? It is very hard to think about, but what has helped me is reading up on MLC and depression and realizing what he is going through and that he just honestly can't work on anything right now, he has nothing really to give for anyone else because his depression, etc. is just consuming him.
If you can control how you respond (and yes, I do know just how hard it is to do this), it will help you feel like you have some power. And, truly the only power or control any of us have is over ourselves anyway.
Don't bring up divorce. I'll tell you what I said when my H told me he wanted a divorce, it was simply, "I understand. I don't want that and I won't help you." Did it help? Was it a magic moment? No. It was simply a cards on the table moment.
If I recall from your other thread, his Dad had a brain tumor and committed suicide? That's alot to deal with. Was his Dad a man that lived life on his own terms? I ask this b/c of the suicide.
There are books I can refer to you, but I would prefer to do that on the alt. If you want to look me up, I'm Grace O'Malley.
I haven't posted much but I do read alot on these boards and soak up information. Many spouses of both WAS and MLC scream divorce but then don't follow through. You can't change anyone's behavior but your own. Someone else stated (Snodderly perhaps?) that you want to become the woman that no one would want to leave. If you can work on you being the best mom to your kids as well as things that make you happy, that will already occupy your time. By not focusing on him, it may give him time alone to think about himself. Even if he does file, I believe there are ways of stalling. I'm not a lawyer, but I have read on other threads where if there has been no counseling efforts, the judge can put a hold on any paperwork for 6-9 months to allow that to happen (probably depends on the state). So don't think that paperwork is the end either. I would recommend going very very dark, he obviously can't handle much of anything right now.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
