Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

D3 is likely going to be ok...it may just be a 24 hour stomach virus. She threw up three seperate times this morning and got really pale which is why we decided to go to the doctor.

But we're waiting on some lab tests to be sure its isnt anything else with similar symptoms.


At any rate...back to this morning. I was half asleep when I got my ex's text response this morning. As I said she told me she went out last nite with her dad and his g/f to a few places and that along with the fact that she was up at 8AM when she normally isnt shocked me. So I questioned her and she told me she had been up for 3 hours in pain.

While at that point I dont doubt she was being truthful, she knows I get all melty when shes in pain...so she could potentially fake it and get sympathy from me.

She said she was just mad at her sister and she was eating when I messaged her and forgot to respond back. She needed a pain pill but her prescription is out. I told her I was sorry she was in pain and that I accused her of something untrue...and that I let my imagination get the better of me when we lose touch. She said it was ok but to quit blowin up at her for things she didnt do. She said she was exhausted and in pain. (but she still wanted to do taxes today).

So I called her to ask her if she could get her prescription refilled, and if not she had an older prescription for pain pills in the closet I could give her. She couldnt get a refill but wasnt sure if she wanted her old prescript. She asked me to call her back in an hour or so to see how things were and we'd decide when we wer going to get the taxes done.

Then D3's illness came up and we ended up going to the Dr's office with D3. While we were waiting, the ex's neck was really hurting and giving her a headache and so I asked if she wanted me to rub her neck and she said yeah if you want to. I found it surprising that she said yes given her aversion to my touching her over the past couple of weeks.

After we were done there D3 was hungry, as were we...so we went to a place close by where my ex and I used to go often but hadnt been in quite some time. The meal was good, the time spent was pleasant...and there were no uncomfortable moments.

Then we made our way back to her dads house and I dropped her off so she could go to work.

The weather is supposed to get bad again tonight...which could make the roads turn to all ice by the time she gets off work, so I asked her to let me know that she got home ok tonight when she got home. She called me a few minutes ago to sayshe would let me know that she got home ok when shew as done at work, then she went on to tell me how packed the gas station was that she stopped at, and then she said she had to go so she could focus on driving.

While I didnt make things worse, I didnt make things better. I'm gonna spend the rest of the day playing with D3 and reading my codep. book...as I know I made several "rescuing" errors that it talks about at different points today.

Thanks for the prayers about D3.

Journaling:

The time I spent with my ex today was nice...but it was more of a family emergency than anything and we ate lunch together more out of convenience than anything.

While I was with her, I felt pretty good...though as it came closer to time to say goodbye I started to get down, and it just kept getting worse.

Despite all the time we were together today, once we werent in the same company anymore, all I could think about was how much I miss her and wish she was here...to the point that I got sleepy and wanted to sleep. I tried taking a nap on the couch but couldnt fall asleep...and when I finally got up to fix dinner for D3 I bottomed out emotionally and broke down...asking myself why I made her want to leave, why couldnt she come back, etc.

I'm feeling a little better now...but only marginally.

I know that its no way to live...being happy only when someone is present and being severly depressed otherwise, and I think that's how it will continue to go if I hang around my ex and things never improve in the way of us getting back together.

The odds of that happening are quite poor.

While we were waiting at the doctors office today, I asked my ex if she had given any thought to joining the gym...and she said she was still thinking about it. I asked if she had given any more thought to my solution to our situation, and she said she was still thinking about it.

But I have to wonder if, even if she did agree to it, and we did spent a fair amount of time together each week as both a family and as two friends, it still wouldnt ultimately be torture in the end.

I mean...I've heard of people getting back with their SO's over an OP by standing out as the better choice. But it's not a guarantee...that I can either stand out as the better choice or that even if I do she would give things another try. She would have to swallow a lot of pride to do that and she isnt one to back down like that.

The alternative is, as was suggested, to get a go-between for us so that she and I dont have to see one another and dont have to communicate directly with one another. After a month or two of that, I would hope the "miss her" feeling would pass...but even that isnt certain given the way I'm reacting to her now.

And of course the other issue is that if she and the OM end up getting engaged/married or having a baby...I think it will be a blow like no other to me. I dont think I could ever forgive myself for walking away...for not doing anything.

Just thinking about it makes me break down. Which makes me ask...why do I think about it. If I dont know what will happen or is happening...why do I waste a second thinking about it when all it does is make me even more upset?

Talking to my ex about this isnt likely to make one bit of difference in her mind...it would likely only make her mad as she would think I'm trying to guilt her into making a decision. But she would at least want to know why I would want a go-between...so I would have to explain it on some level, even if its just saying that its to limit our contact so that we can each move on.

I dunno...in the back of my mind is the looming thought that my ex's issue with anger and anything else will eventually surface in her R with OM and that will likely cause stress between them if not a split up.

As I said, I took a lot more crap off her than most men would...most would have shouted a few mysogynist slurs and been out the door...but I stayed because I knew who she was deep down. The question is...will OM stay...and how long will it take for the "in-love" feeling to fade and her issues to take center stage? Months...years...? Can I really wait that long...can I survive all that waiting?

I really dont know. If I knew exactly how long to the day...maybe. But I'm not Stockdale...so while it would be great if I could, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to maintain that my goal will eventually be achieved but be able to deal with things on a day to day basis without losing faith.

I GIVE UP! YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE. YOU WON'T DO WHAT IS ADVISED AND I'M WASTING MY TIME WITH YOU.

It's ok Sandi...and Gardner, Puppy, and everyone else. As the saying goes you can lead a horse to water....

I understand how frustrating it must feel to continue to give out advice that doesnt get followed or is only followed halfheartedly.

You've done all you can and to keep trying at this point would likely serve to only frustrate you more.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm sorry I'm not able to follow it without hesitation.

I'll still be journaling my thoughts here but I dont expect a response...at least not until I've actually started doing what was advised of me.

I believe you have received stellar advise on your thread. I did not read much, but PDT posted this to you, and his advise is priceless:



And I see that Sandi2 is frustrated.

I strongly suggest reading your thread again......

PS: The words you quoted can still apply to you if you choose to use them........


When you ask for our advise and then do not follow the advise we give, we feel frustrated.

We all know that this is hard- I have had people fold their tents on my sitch as well. The point is you will go through all sorts of feelings and emotions- you cannot let her see them- it's a guarantee that she has already heard and thought about EVERYTHING you have to say- there is literally NOT A SINGLE NEW statement you can say to sway her.

That being said-

Remove yourself from her life- and start to live again. Don't look back, dont get reeled into "why, what if, etc."

WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE OR ARE IN IT NOW- myself included.

Do not spend time w/ her, keep busy, do not call or text less its an emergency reg the family. Do not pressure or pursue- just know that you will be OK w/o her, accept it as best you can and LIVE.

Journaling:

I have pretty much no choice anymore....I have to cut off all non-D3 contact with my ex.

This all came after a long phone conversation last night after she got off work and a long conversation in person this morning. It could have ended well but things were said that cant be taken back, assumptions were made by each of us that werent true, and I essentially made an already bad day for my ex worse. I was accused of playing mind games and was told that I had gone too far.

While theres no R.O. I was told I was so annoying that she was thinking about it. I was also told that she had lost all respect for me.

So unless I want any legal action taken against me, I have to be done. The weird thing is while I'm saddened by the outcome, I'm actually kind of calm about it all. So maybe this IS what I wanted in a way.

There's a reason why you don't have R talks with your spouse. That's the number one rule of DB.

Honestly, if she is now harboring resentment towards you, how do you expect to talk civilly about your child?

What did you talk about?

women will string you along as their friend in order to use you YES USE YOU for favors, be their whipping boy, etc. I've seen it over and over.

So you need to flip her the bird (behind her back) and choose one old/new hobby to pour yourself into.

ACTUALLY I BELIEVE MEN IN THESE SITUATIONS SHOULD DATE (But I've only been on this board since November)