Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The tunnel of darkness

Glad to hear you had a decent day. We all survived.:) I wasn't dreading today as much because of what day it is, but I was getting tired of all the commercials with all the couples, etc.

I think you will look back and admire how you have handled your situation. Seems like you are behaving with dignity and grace and eventually hopefully he will be aware of that.

So the long commute starts tomorrow? Will that affect getting the girls off to school, or will you be able to leave after they go?

when i was goign through the "heat" of stuff x would say stupid stuff.. now that we are through all of that it has changed.. he just stays away... mine is distant.

when someone can't justify they project.. someone has to be the bad guy and it "can't" be them.

sorry you are hurting.

Thanks Cagzmom!
Hi TF-the commute started today and since its a holiday for many the traffic wasn't too bad and the kids didn't need to get off to school. Tomorrow will be the real test. I'll be home in the morning long enough to wake them up and get them moving, but they'll need to walk or ride their bikes to school. Thats what has me most nervous. Schools are close enough to walk, but it still takes them a good half-hour or more to get there.

H is over at the condo having lunch with the girls. D12 is sick with sore throat/fever and didn't feel like going to get lunch to bring home-H is taking this personally. he finally asked D12 if she was mad at him and she said yes. He asked why-he didn't think he'd done anything...she said she wasn't ready to talk about it and she said H seemed mad at her then...I helped her come up with something neutral to say if he asks before she's ready again..

Its hard to hear him be so clueless as to the repercussions of his actions on our family!

He emailed me with some ideas for separating accounts..I'd already done it..not sure if he was surprised or angry..he just responded "wow, you've been busy"...

Oh well. More worried about my new commute and getting my home schedule down than I am with his reactions to everything.

Beware venting is ahead..sorry- nowhere else to go.

So my lawyer forwarded an email from H's lawyer in which he shared the conversation from Saturday where H was upset and I was inappropriate...Feel like I've been tattled on!
I clarified the situation/tone of the conversation for my lawyer but haven't heard back from him.

H texted tonight that he could take D12 to the doctor tomorrow since she told him I was taking her. He asked

D12 wants nothing to do with H and asked me if I would take her since I recommended she get tested for strep(hasn't barely eaten a thing in 2 days). I told H I'd already gotten morning off to take D12 because she asked me to take her(which is true)..then I asked him a tax question..at the end our texts he sends this:



Ok so I have so many responses to these two texts...
I have taken care of the chldren without asking for help because he walked away. When he was living with us and I would ask him for help with the kids he would get angry and make me feel guilty like I didn't respect him being self-employed...Which do I believe? The helpful parent or the put-upon disrespected husband? Can't have it both ways!

This is the man who when he told the kids he was leaving (again) and we were divorcing said he'd see the girls every day, talk to them every day...He texts them maybe once a week and has had lunch with them maybe once every 2 weeks.
That seems to be worthy of me taking him seriously!

I know if I responded it would just deteriorate- I wish he could really have a moment of clarity, but he really doesn't. I'm the bad guy.

How can he advocate a win-win in a divorce where he wants half the money that should be going into the girls' college fund. Where he is asking for me to pay him almost half my monthly pay for the next three months... I don't think I'm winning in this and certainly our daughters are NOT.

It boggles my mind the way he selectively changes his mind. When he moved home last June we talked about how we couldn't see how we could have afforded to divorce..he seems to think "we" can now...He never wanted any of my "stuff" yet he is asking for and seems to feel entitled to half of everything.

He wanted to be a man and support himself and face his fear(that he can't support himself) yet he is clinging to the lifeboat of my financial assets. Something he said he didn't want to do...

I guess it feels like he is a walking contradiction. He doesn't see it at all.
I get so mad, cool off, then am just plain sad.

D12 is angry at her dad, understandably. She feels abandoned.

H hasn't a clue right now why D12 is angry with him. She is not willing/ready to talk to him about it, yet. He is sensing her anger though as she expresses it only as a 12 year old can..sullen looks, refusing to respond to texts/calls/emails, closed-off postures, minimal conversation when asked questions...

So H asks me why I took the morning off to take D12 to the doctor(she has strep) when he was "happily" willing to help(now!). I say she asked me to(and don't say she didn't want H to take her).

So he texts me on FB that he texted, called and emailed D12 today and she didn't respond.

Question: Is there a point where I clue H in, nicely?

I haven't done this up to now because I don't want to get in the middle. I don't want to get in a position with H where he understands why D12 is mad and then defends himself to me or attacks me(I refused to leave so he had to).

I hope that D12 will be able to have this conversation with her father, when she is ready. But it is painful to see H asking these questions and not "getting" it.


Any thoughts or ideas? Just let it be?

Yes
This is not your job to be the go between for your H and D12. It will only be your fault if it doesn't go well. Be the best Mom you can be (which I know you already are) but don't enable your H.

OP-
I agree. Its hard watching D12 be so angry and H not have a clue and get angry back..

H is emailing me a lot more, purely about kids' schedules/separating accounts and such..but its new.

I think I've dropped the rope a bit more. Still sad this is all happening, especially for the girls. Still mad H has rewritten the history of the kids college fund money. Don't see this divorce getting stopped...Almost want it to be done and over now so I can move forward more. Enjoying it not being over b/c the girls still live with me full-time. I can't imagine how I'll get through the change of them living apart from me half the time. It hurts to think about.

I agree with letting your H and D figure out their relationship. It is hard to believe that he can't figure out why she would be mad at him, isn't it?

How is your commuting going?

Hi TF,
It blows my mind that he can't figure it out? Did he think we all just got over the hurt and betrayal of him leaving a second time?..I really think he believes we are all emotionally better off..mind boggling.

The commute isn't pretty. Its about 40 minutes on good days(no accidents or bad weather). Tommorrow should be fun since we're getting some icy snow right now. Really seems busy and nonstop at night lately with transporting kids to activities.

Having a hard time emotionally lately with all the change and stress. Feeling kind of down one minute and slightly hopeful(not for busting this divorce, just for some kind of happiness in my life, some peace) the next and back and forth.

I think there is an underlying sadness to get through, more grieving before I can move on.

Thanks for checking in!

Part of the disease he can't remember or has pushed it out of his mind.

Keep moving, actually that sound like all you are doing. LOL

MOM = moving in circles.