Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I've hit a wall.. Now what?

lots of decisions over the next few months.... exciting times.

C.

Have you taken the LSAT yet? Do that. And isn't law school 3 years?

I'd have to complete my 4 year degree first. I have about 1 year left there - then 3 yrs of Law School. I almost don't know where to begin...

I think I will setup a meeting with the college where I have credits and find out where I stand with a transfer.. how many years I have to finish with new guidelines, etc. Then I can look at law school options and what that would mean.

It is exciting... daunting ... but exciting

T

With all the online classes, you might be able to finish at your original school, that way you won't lose any credits by transferring.

Journaling.....

I've been working on dividing up our financials into what I think are fair #'s. With me taking over the house pmt H has to pretty much pay for almost all the other bills in order for it to be equitable - i.e. close to 50/50.

My issue is.. is it normal to feel really bad that whats fair to me is going to hurt him financially for a while??

I mean - my part includes somewhere to live and he needs to pay "equally" and somewhere to rent on his own?? I feel like that's wrong - even thought my L says its what the law allows.

At the same time... its not like I can pay more just because I feel bad - there are major consequences to D and since he chose to leave he's getting the short stick when it comes to that....


Its weird. Part of me would like to ruin his life forever so at least if he's going to put me through this he will suffer long term for his poor choices.... at the same time.... I hate to hurt him long term or make him miserable - we both should walk away from this partially intact.

Am I just being too nice and caring too much? I'm not going to make decisions based on these feelings. But it pains me to put enforce the reality of all of this on him. I just feel horrible about all of it....

I wonder if maybe it just feelings related to how tragic the entire situation is - in general... just how devastating it will be for both of us when you really break it down - the full impact is devastating financially. Both of us are going to have to work hard to recover and that's going to take several year.

Anyway... I'm just rambling...


T

Do not feel bad. It was his choice to leave so he has to deal with the consequences. As long as you're not vengeful then I think you should absolutely go after all that you're entitled to. Remember there are two parts to separation: legal and emotional. Keep them separate and deal with each one accordingly.

Talia, I can totally understand how you feel. My friends have all suggested that I 'take my H to the cleaners', however I just cant do it. My H earns a decent salary and is able to maintain two households at the moment, although I do work and pay my own bills.

I agree you both should come out of this intact. If you have kids you will actually be attached no matter what for the rest of your lives and I am sure that you dont want to be hating each other forever - money can do that to people. They say we should leave a small door open should they want to return and by showing humility I think you can.

All that I want is for my lifestyle to stay as it is and my boys and I to continue the things we always have. I want to still be able to work partime so that I can be there for drop off and pick up.

I agree some parts of me want him to pay (Literally) for his Decision to leave our family and break my childrens heart - but then I remember this is not the man I married.

I think you need to do what feels right for you. I know what I need and I will ensure that I get that - nothing more nothing less.

It is really sad that at the end of the day, it all comes down to finances.

Hey Pearl,
I know.. and I'm keeping them seperate. Just because I feel bad dosen't mean I won't do it - I just feel bad about it. It WAS his choice to leave and Divorce has serious consequences. I HAVE to take care of myself first - I can't worry about him. I KNOW that. There is no winner in this - we both struggle for the next few years - we just struggle without eachother.

It just sucks!

Lea,
I was catching up on you sitch today - hang in there girl!! You are kicking butt. I won't take more than what's fair - I'm not the vindictive type and frankly, I would never stoop to his level. I work two jobs to make it work - he will have to as well.
I'll drop by your sitch and leave my 2cents sometime.


Thank goodness I don't have kids right now...


T

OK - Here is the almost final letter to send to H - probably this weekend. Not to be totally vindictive - but I'd like to ruin his valentines day with OW.... (que evil laugh)
I get to be just a little vindictive once in all this ... can't I?

I know this is long but I know he will read it all and I know he's going to be PI$$ED.... I now have said everything I want to say to him about this, have set all my boundaries and I feel that if he does just go through with it I will be at peace ...

Dear H,
I would like to advise you of some decisions I have made. I see no reason to meet at this time. As I see it, we have nothing to discuss in person. Its clear this divorce does need to move forward and as things are now it would be the best thing for me. Here is where I stand.

I know you have some legitimate complaints about my role in the dysfunction of our marriage. I acknowledge that, and as you know, have been dealing with my issues. I believe in time you could see that those changes are for real. I understand that you feel a lack of trust, and I feel I have done many things since you left to demonstrate I am trustworthy. I would have been willing to put in some effort to see if this marriage can be saved. I think we both will regret someday that we didn’t do everything we could to be sure it’s un-salvageable. I have decided that there is no longer an open invitation for you to come home. I deserve more than this from my husband. I deserve better than a husband who commits adultery; someone who will respect me and our marriage vows.

I cannot respect your decision to cut and run and I damn well cannot respect your decision to involve a third person in our marriage. I do not see how you and I could negotiate through our divorce when a third person is involved. You need to file for divorce when you are ready. Once you serve me with the required papers I’ll have my lawyer take a look at things from my end. Since we are divorcing we cannot collaborate. It’s in my best interests to keep that separate going forward. I need to protect myself.

The arrangement we have had the last several months has been in your favor. I am willing to continue to work together on bills with you. Until a final divorce decree is singed by the judge all bills that have both of our names on them will continue to be paid out of the joint acct so we both may see what is happening, no matter who contributes more or less. We both have a stake in being able to see that things are paid properly. Since credit card companies do not have to honor the terms of a Divorce decree this will need be the situation going forward until things are paid off, so neither of us needs to worry about our credit history being hurt any more by the other person.

We are equally responsible for the entire amount of our debts. I’ve been advised that you may not exclude the house and force me to pay ½ of the remaining. I will no longer be putting weekly deposits into the joint account, Starting 3/1/10. I will cover the XXX account since that is related exclusively to the house. I will also cover ½ of the XXX account because the balance on that is ½ the couch you bought your dad and ½ the office furniture set I kept. As you can see below that is already more than ½ the total amount. If you choose not to pay the remaining amount into that account and one of those payments bounces, I will immediately file for bankruptcy protection and cancel the payment plans. You can then deal with each acct and your responsibility for the entire amount, or file for your own bankruptcy, as you see fit. My deposits will go in by the 10th of each month, in a lump sum.

The trade off is we owe $XXX more on the house than it is worth currently. I will not ask you to buy me out of your portion of the negative equity, as long as you agree to these arrangements. Since there is no way we could sell it, I will take on the long term risk of keeping it with negative equity. Mortgage Co. has already said they will not reduce the amount I owe because it was properly appraised at the time we took out the mortgage. I have been paying more than my fair ½ of bills for over 90 days. I think you will find that with extra for the association catch up, things are close to equal up until now; you may even come out slightly ahead.

I will continue to be covered under your health plan until a final divorce settlement is signed by a judge. If you try to have me removed I will file to be re-instated immediately and I will enforce my right to ½ of your 401k in the divorce process, otherwise I will not ask for ½ of your 401K. Total amounts paid as per below are almost dead even when you factor in how much it costs you to insure me.

Our tax bill includes 2 years of your individual taxes from before we were married and one year of joint taxes owed. Current payments are being applied to only your individual amounts because they apply starting with the oldest return. When you file for divorce I will no longer be covered under the current plan because it’s only being applied to your individual years and we are no longer tied together by marriage. I will call to negotiate a new payment for just our Joint tax year. That will be the payment that is paid from joint account and you will need to pay your current payment of $XXX on your own.

Mortgage Co. has wrapped in 2009 property taxes into my escrow account. We still owe for 2008 as well. I am not sure how this will shake out yet, but as I find out I will inform you. If I have to keep the 2009 amount in the mortgage payment you will need to pay the 2008 amount – that would be your half of all the back property taxes. I will keep you informed as this progresses. If they put all the taxes into the mortgage we will have to find another way to divide that equally, possibly with you paying me for your portion.

We still need to sort out what to do with the XXX account. Neither of us can really afford to pay for it, so I’m not sure how to handle it. Technically we have defaulted on it. If you have thoughts on this, I would be open to hearing them.

I understand that this is not an ideal financial situation, but it never is in Divorce. I currently work two jobs to pay for my lifestyle and I am willing to continue to work hard to take care of myself. You may need to make those sacrifices as well.


Regards,

Talia


As always I appreciate your feedback. This letter will be followed by continued NC with H unless its regarding a bill. I anticipate a VERY nasty return email and who knows what he will do from there. The last time I told him I was reducing how much I paid on our bills and told him he needed to increase his amounts; I got a scathing, nasty, petty email from him. I'm a little afraid of what he is going to do - but hey - his choice I guess!

T

Are you prepared to deal with everything if he just stops paying everything? You need to know what you will do in the worst case scenario.

I still think the second and third paragraphs are only in there to make you feel better and will make absolutely no impression on H. If you have already apologized for your part of the problems there's no need to keep repeating it. That makes you look weak, needy and like you'll always be waiting just in case he ever changes his mind. And if you tell him that he is responsible for filing he may just put it off to piss you off. Don't put the control in his hands. I'm not saying that you have to file, just don't tell him that you won't file.