I am not WAW but have insight. Search "Smart cookie" and read her last post. read all her posts.
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when my wife dropped the bomb, my initial reaction was that we need to figure out where we went wrong and work on our problems. Her response was that I have been working on it for 14 years and now I am done.
Your best response would be listening,understanding and validation. REASONING DOES NOT WORK. "Yes, I can see why you would be done" is a better response. She wants to be understood.
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I immediately say that my car can break down, I pull it into the garage and begin working on it for 14 years, but if I don't know what's wrong and don't have the tools to fix it how could I ever expect to get it running again. she is not impressed with my story. i thought it was a very accurate assessment of the sitch.
TWO POINTS OF VIEW. One is an emotional , the other is logical.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
did read the books and do the program. I just got done telling her that I feel that living in the other house has let me realize the man that I want to be and I am progressing towards that man every day. I said that I will be moving back home tomorrow and that she is free to do whatever she likes. I told her that asking me to be her emotional support, taking out the garbage, lifting heavy things, fixing things that break is a bunch of b.s. and that I will no longer cater to her. I told her I will have my own lawyer and they will work out the details for me. (she wanted to share a lawyer and have everything be civil.) f- it , I'm making a stand for what I believe in. She got pissed, said she will find an apartment, buy new furniture blah blah blah..... (she knows we can't afford these things, but I am a tightwad and I know she thought I would crack on this, but I didn't) I wonder if she can hear me now. I feel good, I know that I am stable, confident and secure. I am ready for anything. Keep me informed on what to expect next and how to handle the sitch thanks again We will c what tomorrow brings.
me 31 her 31 ilybinilwy 10-2-09 i moved out 12-13-09 boy 7 girl 3 boy 16 months
What you can expect next is most likely wild swings between angry spew and suddenly syrupy sweetness, as she tries different tactics to get you back in her control.
You've thrown her off-center. She will do whatever she can to get you back on.
Update, last night baby had a croup cough and was really sick, I left a card game I was at immediately to take care of him.(something that I had never done in the past) she always said she could handle situations in the past, but I know she would have always appreciated help.
text me this morning that #1 baby slept through the night, #2 she will start moving to the guest house on thurs. (she has c appt. tonite and is going to stay at her moms)she is o.k with it and she just doesn't want to fight. and thanking me for helping last nite. #3 text about s and d #4 what time am I coming to the house. finally i write back "enough please"
I am thinking about writing a short note and leaving it in the house where she will be living. I want to say something like today we are together but we are heading in seperate directions. I think we just need to let go so we can get what we are after. and not to think of moving out of the house as a punishment, but rather an opportunity to live in a place without stress so that she can really focus on what she needs in life. thoughts? (she has been complaining that she doesn't have enought time/energy to work on herself because she works all day, takes care of kids and then is too tired)
About a month ago she did live in the guest house for one week and then went out with her girlfriend on fri. overnite. She called in the morning and I could tell she had been up all nite crying. She was supposed to be home at 7 am to take the kids because I had a weekend fishing trip planned with my friend. She kept calling and saying that she was still working on us and trying to figure some things out. She finally gets home at 10 am and says that she has hope 4 us and we share a nice moment and I think that we are on the road to reconcile. She asked me if I can stay home from the trip and I tell her that there is only one other friend going and that he is already driving 3 hrs up to the resort. I said I want to stay, but I just don't know how I could ditch out. I said I will go, and come back asap in the morning. I get home the next morning and all of a sudden she no longer has any hopeful feelings. I wonder if this could have just been a reaction to what other people were saying to her and she just felt pressured. (her mom, sister, and friends all told her she is making a mistake) Anyone have thoughts on this?
Also, I have found a piece of paper in a notebook that has impressions of a note she had wrote. I think it may be something she was writing for her counselor. I took a pencil and lightly colored it to try and make out what it says. here are some pieces that I have figured out. "believe that could be setting up any future relationships to failure" (i have told her that even if she doesn't want to work on the relationship with me, she will still need to figure some things out because she doesn't have the skills/knowledge to have a successful ltr). "we wont be out of each others lives until the kids are grown and not even then really, so the best thing to do would be to work on us" "willing to lose each other" "disipline kids...." sorry, hard to make out everything. anyways I know that is the best thing for us that she is out and has time to really think of what she needs. thanks all
Last edited by digger22; 01/05/1008:47 PM.
me 31 her 31 ilybinilwy 10-2-09 i moved out 12-13-09 boy 7 girl 3 boy 16 months
Ahh, so I see it's "syrupy sweet" as the opening move, eh??
Originally Posted By: digger22
text me this morning that #1 baby slept through the night, #2 she will start moving to the guest house on thurs. (she has c appt. tonite and is going to stay at her moms)she is o.k with it and she just doesn't want to fight. and thanking me for helping last nite. #3 text about s and d #4 what time am I coming to the house. finally i write back "enough please"
What was your thought behind this comment? I'd advise IGNORING an excessive communications from her, not replying with something snarky like "Enough!"
As for this:
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I am thinking about writing a short note and leaving it in the house where she will be living. I want to say something like today we are together but we are heading in seperate directions. I think we just need to let go so we can get what we are after. and not to think of moving out of the house as a punishment, but rather an opportunity to live in a place without stress so that she can really focus on what she needs in life. thoughts?
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my initial reaction is "Too drama-queen." You're trying to preach to her, and you can't teach a wayward -- only reach them via short "truth darts." I'd omit this note.
As for the rest of it, you're really doing a lot of mind-reading -- a big "no-no" in DBing. There are a multitude of things her scribblings could mean, or her overnighter; best not to try to read too much into them at this stage, other than to remain on your guard.
My "enough please" comment was simply based on it being 6:30 or so in the am, she text me 4 times in a minute and I just got sick of it because I was sleeping (should have just let it go). O.K I will hold off on the note. My digging into her note was just out of curiousity to see if it was to another man. So far I have absolutely no reason to believe their is one, but that doesn't mean I will not continue to be aware. thanks
Last edited by digger22; 01/05/1010:49 PM.
me 31 her 31 ilybinilwy 10-2-09 i moved out 12-13-09 boy 7 girl 3 boy 16 months
