I have some questions I really could use advice on.
Before the bomb my H and I, discussed putting the house and property in S26 name. This came up in the event of nursing homes, etc., in the future. When H dropped the bomb said he would turn over his half of the property to S26 relieving H of the financial burden of the place. In my fear I thought it best at the time that I also turn my half over to S26 with the clause of having life time use for myself and other children. (I would continue the financial responsibility for the my half of the property) I have since rethought this and do not want to turn my half over to S26 at this time. H doesn't know this yet. H brought it up to S26 due to the slow down at H and S26 work place that he is going to turn it over to him in March. I'm not sure if he will roll this up in the separation agreement or if this will be a separate issue. H is also under the impression that we will use the same L for all of this. I feel it is probably in my best interest to retain my own legal council just to protect myself. It is not for the purpose of bleeding H. I have no wish to do that at all even tho well meaning friends and family think I should. I have seen no evidence of H spending hoards of money, but everything had been pretty much separated financially during the M. (Not on each other's CC, etc.) When is the best time to tell H about these decisions of mine? I know he'll be angry that I want my own L. He threatened before that if I did that it would get the house involved and we would have to sell it. I have not said anything, because I do not want the property involved if I can avoid it. I haven't retained an L yet because there has been no legal action yet for the house or the separation, but I believe it's coming. The slow down at work has put H in some financial stress, although we were well aware for sometime that the slow down was coming. The ironic thing is that if H hadn't left everything would have financially been OK, a little tight, but better than it is for him right now.
Wise DBer's what are your thoughts on this? Thanks so much, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your incites.
I would seek out the advice of a lawyer now and begin discussing how to set up the house, i.e., your son gets 1/2 and you the other 1/2. At this time, you are just seeking information and checking out lawyers. There is no need to advise your h of your decision to retain a lawyer right now. However, if he should mention it again in the future, I would then advise him if you have retained one. Whether he gets mad or not, you have to protect yourself financially. The mlcer likes for the spouse to go along w/his/her program w/o any hitches. Life doesn't work that way and if you are not careful, you will be the one w/the tin cup standing on the street corner begging for coins. They do not care whether we have sufficient funds to keep going from day-to-day. All they care about is themselves and their freedom to play.
Educate and protect yourself. This is now a business deal and one that you need to be on your toes about what you need to do to come out "whole".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Like your sitch, my H has said he would like to get a D as cheaply as possilbe using the same atty etc. It has not progressed to that stage yet (btw it's 3 years post bomb for me), quite possible b/c I said I didn't want a D and would not help him (translation: separate atty's).
While I am no help b/c I haven't gotten that far, I will tell you when it does happen I will retain my own counsel. Not to bleed him, but to look out for my best interests.
Try not to let you fear get in the way with regards to the property (or anything for that matter). I wouldn't offer what your plans are until he asks and then if you need more time, say so.
Have you considered a living trust with regards to your assets?
I know the others that have much more experience than I will give you some good feedback.
In many states, D requires separate lawyers because of conflict of interest. Some states do not require a L at all if all the terms can be agreed upon amicably (usually if there are no minor children).
Honestly, if this upsets your H, that is his problem. You must take steps to protect yourself financially through out this. That does not mean that you have to be the one to file or move the process forward, but knowing you have someone on your side, to back you up and look out for your best interests is always a good thing.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Sometimes I wonder if this is MCL or WAS because financially (at least not yet)H has shown great consideration in how we are doing financially. If he had money he was generous, if not, he would tell you. Seems to be his pattern now. He has done some work in the OW's house. Not sure who paid for for the laminate floor he put down in her tiny little place. (H doesn't know I know) He definitely will watch out for himself tho. He matches up with MCL with the rest of his actions tho.
Living Trust is the way I'm leaning after all this settles out.
When do I tell H that this is HIS Separation and D if it goes that far? I will not help with it but I WILL protect myself and the kids.
Thanks everyone for your advice, it takes some of the fear out of this.
When do I tell H that this is HIS Separation and D if it goes that far? I will not help with it but I WILL protect myself and the kids.
IMHO you wait until the very last possible second to tell him anything. Maybe even wait longer, Just stay NC. That is a form of communication. Anything you tell him is actually pushing the D along. Since that is not what you want why tell him anything.
Reread the advice that was already given to you. It was all good.
Remember that all his actions are driven by his own depression. So he may not have the motivation to push the D along if he is depressed enough. You never really know.
H has told S26 that the separation agreement has already been paid for. Just waiting for H's half of the house to switch over to S26 name. I believe the separation papers will be served after that. In my state (NY) you have to have a legal separation for a year before you can file for divorce.
What makes some MLCers in such a hurry for the legal stuff to be filed and others never bother?
